After Addie - One Year Later

Our "Addie Rose" is blooming today.

When I sat down to write this post, I thought about all that has happened in the last year. It seems strange to think that I've given birth to two babies in twelve months. While I remember all that happened with our Addie Jane like it was yesterday, it also feels like she died a lifetime ago. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like something that happened to us, but that it's something we read in a novel or heard about on television. Yet it did happen, and here we are a year later continuing to move forward. Yes, there have been many moments of sorrow - especially in the weeks leading up to this day - but our minds and our hearts are at peace. 

Sweet smiles for us this morning!

It's funny how what you think and what you feel don't always line up. My head is totally okay and "over it" for lack of a better term, but my heart still feels the occasional pain and grief of being separated from my child. It's in those moments that I am especially grateful that the Lord blessed us with Tessa. When I feel sorrowful, I pick her up and hold her close. The sadness never lasts long, because she either starts screaming in my ear because she wants me to walk around the house with her or she starts filling her diaper! Her little personality makes me laugh, and her adorable smile lifts my spirits every time. A few days after she was born my father-in-law observed that she looks so much like her big sister, only jumbo-sized in comparison (which is saying something because she's still so little). It's a comfort to know that I will never forget what Adelyn looked like because I can see her in Tessa's sweet face.

After Addie died last year, I spent a lot of time thinking about my own life and eventual death (which I know sounds morbid). When an opportunity arose at my church to be a part of a David Jeremiah study called Revealing The Mysteries of Heaven, I signed up right away. I'm a Christian, and I believe what the Bible teaches about a literal Heaven and Hell. It also teaches that you don't get a second chance to make up your mind about Jesus Christ after you die, and that accepting His gift of salvation is the only way to go to Heaven. If you'd like to hear about what I'm learning, I'd be happy to share what I'm being taught in this study. Just ask! I would love to have a conversation with you about it and get your thoughts as well. Anyway, I mentioned the study because going through it has reaffirmed the confidence I have in the hope that I will get to see my baby girl again one day. I have no doubt that she is with her Savior right now, and that she is in a place more spectacular than any we've ever seen or heard of on this earth. 

Life is short; shorter than any of us realize. So as we remember Adelyn Jane on this day, her birthday, we're going to keep stepping forward without fear into whatever future God is leading us to. We're going to hold each other a little closer and take time to say "I love you." We're going to thank God for giving us Tessa and allowing us to have this time with her. We're going to think back over the many ways that God has been faithful to us. We may even cry. And tomorrow, we're going to visit Addie's grave with Tessa. She's too little to understand right now, but she will grow up knowing how God used her sister's life in mighty and powerful ways for His glory. I believe He will use Tessa's life to accomplish great things as well. Thank you all for your prayers, and thank you especially to the people who remembered what this day means to us without me having to say anything. Knowing she hasn't been forgotten means more to us than you could ever know!

"'Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also. You know the way where I am going.' 'Lord,' Thomas said, 'we don't know where You're going. How can we know the way?' Jesus told him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.'" -John 14:1-6

Addie used to move and kick when we would play this song.

This song has new meaning to me at this point in my life. I love it.

Hello Tessa Finley (And A 3 Week Postpartum Update)

***Just a heads up: this post is going to be very long!***

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

As I thought about how to begin this update, the Lord brought this verse to my mind. It wasn't until I started writing that I remembered I had opened with this same passage of Scripture in my very first post about Tessa, which seems fitting. This verse gets more meaningful to me with every year that passes. With Addie, our hope for a child was delayed and it really did make our hearts sick. Yet less than a year after she died, God has blessed us and brought a second little girl into our lives. I intended to write the next update shortly after Tessa was born, but we felt and experienced so many different things that I couldn't find the words for a while. Three weeks later I now know what to say, starting with Tessa's birth story.

On Monday morning, July 13, Mom took me to my pre-op appointment at the hospital. The C-section was scheduled for the next day at 8:30am. During the appointment, when the nurse was using the doppler to check Tessa's heartbeat, she told me that I was having a contraction. A contraction? I thought that was just Tessa stretching! The contraction didn't feel anything like the contractions I had with Addie, though it was still tight and painless. I thought for sure the nurse had to be mistaken, because if THAT was a contraction, then I had been having them every day for a while after all. I left the appointment confident that she had it wrong (in spite of the fact that she was a nurse who dealt with pregnant women every day), but in the back of my mind I started to doubt. Maybe it was a contraction after all. Mom and I came back to the house, and I felt tired so I laid down and took a nap. At one point, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I felt that familiar tightness again. It wasn't noticeable tightening, but it once again felt like Tessa was stretching. Making a mental note to keep an eye on these moments of "stretching," I went back to sleep. 

Lunchtime rolled around, and Mom and I discussed where to go. For some bizarre reason Chili's sounded good, even though the food tastes processed and usually leaves much to be desired. However, their chili queso dip, chips and salsa, and barbecue ribs sounded better than anything else I could think of, so off we went. That's right, the family "health-nut" decided her last lunch before the surgery would be unhealthy food. Maybe I had a moment of nostalgia, since we used to eat there a lot when I was a child. I'm just as surprised as you! Anyway, when we got to the restaurant, I skimmed the menu even though I knew what I wanted. We had not been seated for two minutes when my attention was drawn to my abdomen. This time it was that familiar and obvious tightening that I experienced when I was in labor with Addie. Oh boy. Mom must have seen my face change, because she asked if I was okay. I calmly told her that I definitely just had a contraction (which I had mentally started timing), so she pulled out her phone and went straight to the stopwatch app. It lasted for over two minutes before easing up. She told me to let her know if I had another one, and she would time it for me. We joked about how funny (and typical) it would be if I ended up going into labor and having the C-section on the thirteenth instead of the next day. It wouldn't be that surprising; from what we could tell in the ultrasound appointments, Tessa was stubborn and had a mind of her own. It seemed very likely to me that she would decide to do things her own way and come the last day before the surgery. The waitress brought out the chips, salsa, and queso dip, and Mom and I chatted some more. A few minutes later I felt another contraction coming on, so I alerted Mom and she started the timer again. Two. Two contractions in less than ten minutes. Four or more in an hour is usually a sign of labor, and I began to suspect that the contractions were not about to stop. After the third contraction in 25 minutes, I said, "You know Mom, I'm going to have another contraction in a minute, and we'll probably have to go to the hospital." She was okay with that, and both of us felt excited at the prospect of what the day would bring. Though our food had just come out, we asked for to-go boxes. Sure enough the fourth contraction hit not long after the third one ended, so we packed up our food and headed toward the hospital. Mom suggested I call the OB, who told me to come there first so I could be checked, and I called G to tell him what was going on.

Between the waiting room and exam room, we were there for over an hour before a doctor came in. My OB wasn't in the office that day, and apparently the wait was that long because they had trouble finding my file (which was probably in the process of getting faxed to the hospital). Thankfully, I do very well with long wait times. While we were in the main waiting room, I had several more contractions. I practiced my deep breathing and relaxation in the exam room, and they stopped for a while. Finally, one of the other doctors came in and apologized for the delay, then asked me some questions about my situation. Then she did a pelvic exam to check the status of my cervix. A few seconds later, she sat back and said, "Well, you are 90% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated, so you definitely need to go to the hospital!" That news didn't surprise me at all because I already knew I was in labor, so we headed across the street and up the elevator to the L&D floor. On our way over I updated G, who immediately dropped what he was doing at work and met us at the hospital. He arrived right before they took us back to a labor and delivery room (much to my relief). 

Because I had eaten lunch recently, they wanted to wait at least 6 hours before taking me back for surgery so that my food would be fully digested. So G, Mom, and I waited in the L&D room for the remainder of the afternoon. A nurse was came in every so often to check the fetal monitor, take my blood pressure, or insert an IV, and we also spoke with the anesthesiologist and his assistant. My aunt and cousins showed up and visited with us for a little while, and eventually everyone but G went back to the waiting room until after the surgery. As we approached the end of the six hour wait time, I was given some medication through the IV to prepare me for the surgery. My OB arrived and talked with me for a few minutes, and told me that I was third in line for a cesarean. They ended up bumping me to second place when my contractions began affecting Tessa's heart rate.

After the first C-section was finished and the operating room cleared, they took me back to administer the spinal. G had to wait just outside the room until they had prepped me, then they brought him in. Although the surgery had previously been such a source of anxiety for me, I wasn't nervous at all. The anesthesiologist was very skilled, and after giving me the numbing medicine I didn't even feel the larger needle. I shook the entire time as a side effect of the spinal, but I was alert and aware of everything that was happening. As I laid there on the operating table, I was struck by how different - yet similar - things were this time around. When I labored with Addie, I was on my back the entire time. With Tessa I was on my back yet again (something I had really hoped to avoid repeating). With the birth of both babies there was a peace in my soul, even though I knew in my heart that Addie was going to die that night and I didn't know what would happen with Tessa. They whisked Tessa away to the warmer after she was born just like they did with Addie. This time though, I saw Tessa move when they held her over the sheet. I heard her cry (or to be more accurate, I heard her scream - boy does she have some lungs!). She was born at 8:30pm, weighed 5lbs 11oz, and measured 17 1/2 inches long.

Brand new and cheesy.

I couldn't hold her yet, but G held her close so I could look at her.

At that point, I was stitched back up and my OB removed my cerclage. G was across the room with Tessa, and he would occasionally come back over to check on me before returning to where she was. Before we knew it, they were wheeling us to a temporary recovery room so we could have a private moment as a family. I finally got to hold Tessa and try my hand at breastfeeding for the first time. After a little while they moved us to the maternity ward, and our family was able to come back and meet her. It was a really special time where many tears were shed and countless pictures were taken. I was reminded of when our parents and my brother came to the other hospital after Addie was born. By the time they arrived she had already died, but they still held her and marveled and cried (just for different reasons).

My baby girl was smiling at me!

After everyone left, reality set in as I tried to feed Tessa on the hospital's recommended 2-3 hour schedule. G and I didn't sleep that night, and I didn't sleep the next night either. Every time one of us would drift off, a nurse would come in to check me or Tessa. G had trouble settling down because whenever Tessa would make a noise or move, he was checking to make sure she was breathing. He was such a trooper and even though he was severely sleep deprived, he would hold Tessa so I could get some sleep. When I woke up, we would trade off, and he would try and sleep. Eventually, I told him he needed to go back to the house for a few hours during the day to get a shower (since hospitals gross him out) and take a nap where he wouldn't have to worry about either of us. He felt bad about leaving at first, but Mom was there with me every day as soon as visiting hours started and I told him he needed to go so that he could be rested enough to tackle the sleepless nights. Our second night in the hospital was probably the hardest, because Tessa screamed most of the night and we couldn't calm her down. She was still learning how to eat, and her little tummy was gassy. Humorously, G had to change all of her horrible meconium diapers, since my legs were numb for a long time (and I couldn't move around easily even after the feeling came back). So much for my promise to change all of her poopy diapers!

That Thursday, we were cleared to go home. Before we left, my OB came in and pulled out the stitch from the C-section (it still had surgical glue). They discharged us a little after lunchtime, and we were so glad to be home. Even Tessa seemed significantly more content. She would get really upset in the hospital if her arms were free from the swaddling blanket because the room was so cold, but our house was really warm, so she stretched out and seemed to relax right away. I found this funny because I dislike the cold so much, so I guess she does too! Most of the first week was spent in the hospital, and G worked half days the following week. Mom and my mother-in-law both came on different days to stay with me until he would get home. I got around much better, but still couldn't tackle much housework. It also helped to have someone else there who could hold Tessa or change her diaper so I could eat and go to the bathroom. Tessa was quick to catch on to breastfeeding in the hospital, and she did especially well after my milk came in the night we were discharged. The next two weeks were a blur of feedings, pediatrician appointments, and catching sleep whenever we could. She was a little jaundiced (I was too, when I was born), but we didn't need any treatment.

Motherhood surprised me. Even before I met G, I knew I wanted to put my babies on a schedule. I consider myself to be a rational and reasonably logical person, so I was caught off guard when I felt so emotional about Tessa. I wasn't prepared for the intense empathy I had for her, and I lost my resolve to do anything but hold her and feed her for a while. She was so little and helpless, and my heart broke every time she would cry. However, after a couple of weeks of on-demand feedings and sleepless nights, I knew things had to change. She had passed her birth weight by then and was growing well, and it would be best for all of us if we got a more structured routine established. That's what we've been working on since last Thursday, and she's doing a great job! She's still working on sleeping through the night, but we'll get there soon enough.

I feel like the Lord has used this pregnancy and the early weeks of parenthood to grow me a lot. God has shown me that when He throws a wrench in my plans, it's very likely because His plans are better. I've also realized how much of a control freak I really am, and I'm learning to let go and take things as they come.

We are grateful to all of you for your prayers and encouragement over the last year. It has meant so much to us!

"Many plans are in a man's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail." -Proverbs 19:21

"For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulness endures through all generations." -Psalm 100:5

Second Pregnancy Update: 37 Weeks

37 Weeks!

Well, here we are! 37 weeks was the last major milestone we hoped to reach before Tessa arrives, and we made it! We're so thankful to God for getting us this far. If the Lord wills, and all goes well, we will be holding our little girl by this time in three days! THREE DAYS! That's so crazy. This has certainly been an emotional pregnancy for me, and not just because of the hormones. As much as I've loved being pregnant, I am so ready for a break.

I've felt a lot of things this week: excited, tired, bloated (all my pregnant mamas holla!). But in all seriousness (because I totally wasn't serious about the bloating...), I've also felt afraid. Fear of the unknown has always been something I've struggled with, and this week I've been afraid of experiencing complications during the surgery, of the possibility that God will ask us to give Him Tessa like He asked us to give Him Addie, and even of my own unexpected death. Could any - or all - of these things happen on Tuesday? Yes. We aren't promised tomorrow, and we aren't owed a long life. But you know what?

I'm not afraid now.

In my short years on this earth, I've noticed that the enemy works overtime when God is about to shake things up. And maybe whatever happens next week - good or bad - won't change the rest of the world. But it will change our world. As G and I head into our final weekend before Tessa arrives, another feeling rises up to replace the fear: hope.

"Now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." -Psalm 39:7

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God; my strong rock, my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge..." -Psalm 62: 5-8

"For You are my hope, Lord God, my confidence from my youth. I have leaned on You from birth; You took me from my mother's womb. My praise is always about You." -Psalm 71:5-6

"Listen, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Protect my life, for I am faithful. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant's life, since I set my hope on You, Lord." -Psalm 86:1-4

In the face of an uncertain future, I am at rest in the knowledge that God's plans will come to pass. Nothing can thwart them, nobody can change them, and He will be glorified. That's all we want, at the end of the day. If everything I could ever fear comes to pass, then to God be the glory. If things go perfectly, the surgery is without complications, and Tessa lives a long and healthy life in our care, then to God be the glory. Because when you know the God that I know, feel the amazing freedom in Christ that I have felt, and experience the overwhelming and undeserving love that I have experienced from the Creator of the universe, everything else fades away. Like the old hymn says:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus 
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 
In the light of His glory and grace

This will be the last update I post before Tessa arrives. I feel like I've been climbing a mountain for so long, and that the top is now in sight. What waits on the other side is still a mystery to me. The only thing I can see is the next step; the only thing I can hear is the call of God on the wind to trust Him and keep climbing.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. You satisfy me as with rich food; my mouth will praise You with joyful lips. When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches because You are my help; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me." -Psalm 63:1-8

Second Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

36 weeks and crazy hair!

Today we get to celebrate both Independence Day and reaching the last critical milestone of 36 weeks with this pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
I pretty much live in maternity sweats and pajama bottoms at this point. Anything else seems to put too much pressure on my lower abdomen, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Plus, Tessa pushes back against anything that touches my skin (even lightly), which makes everything feel tighter.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am in a really good place. At least once a week I will get a little bit weepy, but I think it's mostly because of pregnancy hormones, being tired, and just wanting to meet our baby already!

A Few Thoughts
We met with the perinatologist on Thursday, and he said he doesn't think we'll need to meet with him again (at least for this pregnancy). He told us two things that we were expecting to hear. The first is that Tessa is still breech. However, he seems to think that her little bottom is wedged down in my pelvis, which is why she hasn't really changed her orientation at all and why she hasn't turned. The possibility of her being stuck in that position was something I had wondered about many times, and having that suspicion confirmed was kind of a relief. At least I know I've done everything I could do to help her turn, and I really feel like she's tried very hard to do so over the last few weeks. Poor baby! Anyway, the second thing he told us is that we will need to schedule a cesarean. I think the Lord has been preparing me for this scenario, because I've felt in my heart for a while now that this is the path I will have to take. Fortunately, He helped me deal with my fears and insecurities before having that reality confirmed. It would have been a very hard blow to hear that news during the appointment if He had not. What a loving God.

While we figured Tessa was still breech and that the perinatologist would recommend a cesarean, we were surprised by several pieces of information. After taking careful measurements of Tessa and examining her closely himself, the perinatologist said it looked like her weight gain could be slowing down just a little bit. He doesn't put much stock in averages (unless something is very abnormal), but the average weight for babies at this point is about 5 1/2 pounds. Based on the measurements he took, Tessa seemed to be weighing in at 4 pounds 15 ounces. The perinatologist didn't seem to think this was a problem - especially since all of her other measurements were normal - but he did say that it's possible that the placenta is not getting as many nutrients to her at this point. My thoughts immediately went to my appetite over the last two weeks. For whatever reason, I haven't felt very hungry. Or if I was hungry, I didn't feel like eating. So I know I haven't eaten nearly as much as I should, and I definitely haven't been getting in the recommended 100g of protein a day. After hearing what he had to say about her weight gain though, I have picked up my eating again (even if it's lots of protein-packed snacks throughout the day). Hopefully that will help, but even if that isn't the cause, I'm relieved that the perinatologist wasn't concerned.

The other information that surprised us, is that he recommended the date for the cesarean be much sooner than what my OB had originally suggested. At my last appointment with her, she wanted to schedule it for July 24. I would have been 38 weeks and 6 days; just one day shy of the 39 week minimum set by the hospital for all C-sections (unless a doctor deems it medically necessary to have it earlier). Instead, the perinatologist said the surgery needs to be scheduled between 37 and 38 weeks. The risks to Tessa would increase as would the likelihood that I would go into labor if it is any later than that. He was very kind to me, and said that although he knew I wanted to labor naturally, I did extremely well to get this far in the pregnancy without any problems. He also encouraged me and said that just because I need to have a cesarean this time around doesn't mean I can't attempt a natural birth with future pregnancies. While Tessa could still turn before the surgery, he doesn't think it is very likely. Honestly, I don't think that's going to happen either. I'm okay with it at this point though, since I just want to hold her in my arms at last!

This Tuesday is the next appointment with my OB and since she has been very anxious about me going into labor with a breech baby, it wouldn't surprise me if she will want to schedule the surgery for as soon as possible. Either way, it won't be more than two weeks before our little girl arrives on the scene!

"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know [this] very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all [my] days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began." -Psalm 139:13-16

Second Pregnancy Update: 35 Weeks

35 Weeks!

I can't believe I'm only two weeks away from being considered full term!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My belly is starting to get pretty uncomfortable now. I still haven't felt any Braxton Hicks contractions (which is probably a good thing), but Tessa likes to push out a lot. When she does this, it makes my abdomen feel really tight.

Over the last week or so, I haven't really wanted to eat much. I still eat small meals and snacks as often as I can though, even if I'm not hungry. Oddly enough, the only time I've felt hungry recently is during the middle of the night. If this continues, I'll probably have to get some crackers or something to eat when I'm awake at that time.

I'm getting tired more quickly now, which is to be expected. Tasks that used to be nothing to me now seem more strenuous, and G has been very understanding. He's really great about noticing when I'm starting to lose energy, and he often encourages me to sit down and rest. He takes such good care of me.

A Few Thoughts
The GBS test results were negative at my appointment on Thursday, which is good. If Tessa decides to turn and I get to have her naturally, this means I won't need to be put on antibiotics (most of which I am allergic to anyway) when I arrive at the hospital. My OB seemed a little disheartened that Tessa is still breech, and she told me she feels like we need to schedule a cesarean soon. She assured me that although her only goals are a healthy mom and baby (which is what is most important to me as well), she understands my desire for a natural birth and said she wants that for me. She doesn't seem very confident about Tessa turning at this point though, and I think she's afraid of my cervix tearing if I suddenly go into labor. So unless Tessa has flipped by my perinatal appointment next week, she is going to try and schedule a cesarean for July 24. I'll be one day shy of 39 weeks on that day, and the hospital typically doesn't allow cesareans until 39 weeks. However, because of my unique situation and the danger of me going into labor while the cerclage is in and Tessa is breech, I am sure the hospital will allow it. If they don't for some reason, another doctor would probably have to perform the surgery because my OB will be out of town from 39-40 weeks. I asked what her thoughts were on an external cephalic version, and she said that although she does do them, she wouldn't recommend it for me. She said there is a risk in my case that the procedure could cause damage to the cervix, but recommended that I talk to the perinatologist and get his thoughts. He hasn't mentioned it as an option so far, but I do plan to ask him about it on Thursday. The success rate of an ECV is only 58%, and those odds aren't quite enough to quiet my doubts about trying that kind of procedure. I will certainly have a large list of things to ask him and discuss at the next appointment. Whether Tessa turns or not, it won't be much longer now until she joins us!

Second Pregnancy Update: 34 Weeks

34 Weeks (and one day, since this update is late)!

Another huge milestone has been reached this week! My BabyCenter email update said that if there are no unforeseen health problems, 99% of babies born between 34 and 37 weeks survive and go on to live normal lives as they grow. Thank you, Lord!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Sleep is still unpredictable but since we're getting close, I've just decided to sleep whenever I can - whether that's napping during the day, sleeping in late, or getting rest at night. Tessa has been more active in the last seven days she has ever been, and sometimes her crazy acrobatics keep me awake. I don't mind though!

A Few Thoughts
Thurday's perinatal appointment went well. Although Tessa is still breech, my perinatologist seemed very confident that she has plenty of room to move around and that she will get into the right position soon. There was little to no change in the cervix, to our relief. We also learned that if Tessa does not turn by 36 weeks, I can continue to take the progesterone pills. This eased my mind, since I suspect they have been doing a lot to prevent premature labor. Until my next appointment on the second, I am doing whatever I can to encourage her to turn around.

[Deep breath.]

I've struggled this week.

God has shown me the reasons I've had so much frustration with this pregnancy, and why I've been so fearful about things not going according to plan. On some level of my subconscious I think I already knew what my problem was, but He chose this week to bring it to the surface for me to deal with. Not next week. Not after Tessa is born. Now.

After I decided to face these issues head-on, the Lord brought a song to my mind that I hadn't heard in years. The chorus played in my head one night while I couldn't sleep and when I listened to the entire song the next day, I was speechless. It perfectly described what I have been feeling and struggling with spiritually. It's called Surrender by BarlowGirl, and if you don't have time to listen to the song, I'll post the lyrics below the video for you to read.

(Verse 1)

My hands hold safely to my dreams.

Clutching tightly, not one has fallen.

So many years I've shaped each one,

Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.

Now You're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly.

Can't open my hands,

Can't let go.

Does it matter? Should I show You?

Can't You let me go?

(Chorus)

"Surrender, Surrender,"

You whisper gently.

You say I will be free.

I know, but can't You see?

My dreams are me.

My dreams are me.

(Verse 2)

You say You have a plan for me,

And that You want the best for my life.

Told me the world had yet to see

What You can do with 

One that's committed to Your call.

I know of course what I should do;

That I can't hold these dreams forever.

If I give them now to You,

Will You take them away forever

Or can I dream again?

"Surrender."

This week, God showed me that I've been looking for my identity and value in the dreams He has given me instead of in Christ. Since I was a little girl I've felt God calling me to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. He gave me a heart for marriage, for children, and for the home and I've been preparing for that life from the first moment I heard His call. Eventually, who I am became defined by the goals I was working toward; things like saving my first kiss for my wedding day, being a virgin on my wedding night, marrying a godly man who loved Jesus more than He loved me, getting to manage our home and use it as a hub for ministry, and raising lots of children who will share Christ's love with the world. Although most of these things have happened or are currently happening, they certainly didn't happen the way I expected them to. Some things don't look anything like the picture I had in my head when I was growing up. But to my surprise, they turned out so much better than what I had imagined. I've walked through life telling God that I wanted Him to use me for His glory, and that I wanted His will - not mine - to be done. While I have always been sincere in my request, I've realized that sometimes (okay, most of the time) I only want God's will to be done if His will is the same as mine. That's not how it works, though. 

The reality is that my dreams don't define me: Christ defines me. His plan - whatever that may be - will always be accomplished and because I have a relationship with Him, I get to be involved in that process. It won't necessarily look the way I expect it to, but God has proven to me time and time again that His way is the best way. Tessa could flip tomorrow and I could go on to experience the natural birth I really want to have, or she could stay where she is so comfortably situated and I could have to have a C-section. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am no less valuable to God, or less useful to Him just because things don't go the way I planned. What matters is that things go according to His plan (they will); and whether or not I choose to take an active role in the process. I didn't plan on giving birth to my first child prematurely, nor did I plan to give her back to the Lord so soon after she was born. But after seeing the way the Lord used Addie's little life and the painful situation in which we found ourselves, I can confidently say that His will was best in spite of not being what I would have chosen. This has proven to be true in every other situation I've experienced in life, and it is still true now. 

Like BarlowGirl says in their song, I cannot hold onto my dreams with a clenched fist. To let them go means acknowledging the possibility that they may never be fulfilled in the way I think they should be. But God is a good and loving Father that delights in giving good gifts to His children, so I choose to trust Him and follow His leading once again. He has never led me astray. I feel like God has asked, "Will you trust me even if these dreams don't come true? If I ask you to let them go, will you still follow Me?" I can only answer "Yes, Lord" and trust that He will give me the strength to let go, whether He gives me new dreams or fulfills the ones I already have. So today, right now, I choose to open my hands and give Him everything. I choose not to worry or wring my hands in frustration for one more second, because I know with certainty that God is working all things out. The unknown doesn't have to be scary because it is not unknown to God. The future is laid out before Him and He sees all parts of it. There is nobody more worthy of my trust and confidence than Him.

I am not defined by what I do or don't accomplish, but by Who I know.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge. Selah" -Psalm 62:8

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You." -Psalm 143:8

Second Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks

33 Weeks!

This has been a busy week, and there's a lot to put in this update. Here we go!

Pregnancy Updates
I feel so big! Tessa has been moving around a lot, but as far as I can tell she still hasn't moved into the correct position. If she has, I don't think she's stayed there. If she has that much room to wiggle around though, I don't think she's stuck in a breech position.

My joints get sore very quickly, especially in my hips. Even if I didn't have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom, I think the soreness would still wake me up. Usually all I have to do is walk around the house for a few minutes to stretch everything out, and I am able to go back to sleep unless Baby Girl decides it's her turn to move.

It's gotten harder in the last week to eat regular-sized meals. I guess it's because there isn't much room around my stomach! When I eat what I consider to be a normal amount of food, I become useless for the next couple of hours because I can't move. Eating smaller meals more often might be the way to go for me at this point. That's what all of the pregnancy books and websites recommend anyway.

A Few Thoughts
The first baby shower (hosted by my mom) took place on Sunday and it was wonderful! So many friends came that I am not able to see regularly anymore, and they gave such beautiful and generous gifts. We drove home with a full car and even fuller hearts. The shower was held at the church where G and I got married, which is also where we buried Adelyn, so the event had a special sacredness to it. The last time we gathered there with friends and family was for Addie's memorial service, so it was a real joy to be there again for happier reasons. We visited Addie's grave before we left, and it seemed strange to be looking down at the place where the tiny body of our firstborn was laid to rest while being so very pregnant with her little sister. We want to bring Tessa to the gravesite someday.

My OB appointment went well on Thursday. She said I had lost a little weight, but she wasn't concerned about it because Tessa's most recent ultrasound measurements were normal. Personally, I don't put much stock in how much weight is gained or lost anyway. So many little things can effect scale readings, from the clothes and shoes I wear to how much I ate before my appointment. I occasionally weigh myself at home, and there has been a steady increase since I gained back the weight I lost during the first trimester. Weight always fluctuates day to day even during pregnancy, so I'm not a bit worried. I decided a long time ago not to worry about my weight anyway. Life is too short for that nonsense!

During the appointment we discussed the latest date I could schedule a cesarean if the cerclage has to stay in, which is what will happen if Tessa doesn't turn. She suspects that if I go into labor with the stitches still in that things will start happening very quickly, and she wants to do whatever is necessary to keep me from tearing. However, she did say that the latest she would want to wait is 39 weeks - both because of the danger of sudden and quick labor and because she will apparently be on vacation the week before my due date. I'm okay with scheduling a cesarean at 39 weeks (for reasons I'll share shortly), but I won't do it just to make my doctor's vacation convenient. This little baby is my priority! However, I do share her concerns about things happening very suddenly if I were to go into labor with the cerclage still intact. Regardless of whether or not I have it removed at 36 weeks, I will stop taking progesterone. If I could keep taking it beyond that date, I would be perfectly fine. I think that the progesterone, based on the shortening that took place during the week when I switched medication, has played a very important part in keeping premature labor at bay. The problem is that I don't think I am supposed to continue taking it beyond 36 weeks. If I stop taking it and still have the stitches, I'm concerned that I will go into labor in the week that follows. This could cause my cervix to tear and risk a breech birth if things progress too quickly, resulting in a much earlier C-section. Fortunately, both my OB and perinatologist are very optimistic about Tessa's state of health if she does come early.

I'm really having to let go of my need to control this situation and trust God. It's so difficult, even though I know He has everything in His hands and that His plan is the best one. As strange as it sounds, the Lord has been showing me that I've made an idol out of having a natural, unmedicated birth. What's even more ridiculous is that I've been believing in my mind that a natural, unmedicated birth will somehow bring more glory to God than if I were to have a C-section. That's crazy, and I can't know that anyway! Whatever happens - good or bad, ideal or not, God allows to happen because He will be most glorified. It's not like God's sitting up there on the edge of His throne, biting His nails and thinking, "Gosh, I hope she doesn't have to have a cesarean, because then I won't get as much glory!" Like I said, crazy. Do you ever have moments where you weren't fully aware of something in your heart or life until you read your own writing? Yeah, that just happened to me right this second. What psychotic imaginative ways I have of stressing myself out!

Anyway, a sweet friend from our LifeGroups hosted the second baby shower today. I had such an amazing time! Her attention to detail was obvious, and the time and effort she put into making it special for me was humbling. The environment was peaceful, comfortable, and fun, and I had plenty of time to catch up with other ladies from church. I was struck again by the kindness and generosity of the amazing friends the Lord has brought into my life. It's hard to believe that there is only one more shower before our little girl gets here!

Things are falling into place quickly now. We're finally in our room (and have been since Memorial Day Weekend), our closet finished and in use, Tessa's room has been painted, we've finished our birthing classes, and the hospital back is packed (though I will probably unpack and repack it again several more times). Soon, Tessa Finley!

"For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulness endures through all generations." -Psalm 100:5

Second Pregnancy Update: 32 Weeks

32 Weeks!

Another important pregnancy mile marker has been reached! Thank you, Lord.

Pregnancy Symptoms
It seems like one week I will get plenty of sleep, and the next week I won't get much at all. This week held very little sleep for me because of hourly trips to the bathroom, difficulty finding a comfortable position with this [seemingly] ginormous belly, and Tessa's really strong (and very uncomfortable) movements every night. It's not even her kicks and punches that hurt, but the random stretching and changing positions.

My belly was sort of tucked underneath the table during dinner last night, and Tessa chose that moment to push up and out (like she frequently does). As a result, I got wedged between my legs and the table, and had to pry myself out. Who gets their belly stuck under a table? Apparently me (and probably other pregnant women too)! Honestly though, that sounds like something that would happen to me when I'm not pregnant...

A Few Thoughts
I was really nervous about Thursday's perinatal appointment. Though I expected to learn that my cervix had continued to shorten, we found out that there had been no change since the last appointment! We were surprised and relieved. Tessa is still breech, but that wasn't news to me. I can tell by where she's kicking me that she hasn't moved yet. She seems content to stay in an upright position for the time being, though I am really hoping she turns before 36 weeks. The perinatologist said if she is still breech by then, we will schedule a C-section and my OB will monitor her weekly to see if she moves. If she turns before the scheduled surgery date, the perinatologist will take the cerclage out and things can progress normally. We're definitely hoping and praying that she turns, but even if she doesn't, I've decided not to get upset about it. At this point, I'll just be happy to have a healthy baby girl safely in my arms!

Tessa's nose and Angelina Jolie lips!

Tessa's little face (sideways)!

"Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation! Let us enter His presence with thanksgiving; let us shout triumphantly to Him in song. For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods. The depths of the earth are in His hand, and the mountain peaks are His. The sea is His; He made it. His hands formed the dry land. Come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, the sheep under His care..." -Psalm 95:1-7

Second Pregnancy Update: 31 Weeks

31 Weeks and wearing a shirt that says "Feed Me
And Tell Me I'm Pretty," which is pretty much
relevant for my life regardless of pregnancy.

We're one week away from another important milestone (reaching 32 weeks) in the pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My abdominal muscles are consistently uncomfortable now. Tessa is getting bigger every day, and I already feel like I'm out of room in there! Her frequent movements are often accompanied by pain or discomfort in my ligaments, and her position at any moment determines how easily I am able to get around. Though I haven't noticed much swelling yet, my feet are pretty sore in the evenings regardless of my activity level that day.

Occasionally Tessa will move a certain way and I will feel a sharp pain deep in my right hip. It only lasts for a second and it doesn't travel down my leg, so I don't think it's sciatic nerve pain. However she's certainly pressing on some nerve when that happens! I've found that the best thing for me to do is switch sides while I'm sleeping or sitting. That usually resolves the problem. I've also experienced more pain in my hips at night. Sometimes I wake up because my hips feel so sore, and if both hips hurt at the same time I have to stretch out the muscles before I can get comfortable again. The pain isn't unbearable though, so aside from being inconvenient it hasn't really caused any problems.

A Few Thoughts
Thursday's appointment with my OB went very well. I shared what the perinatologist told us last week, and we spent a few minutes looking over a copy of my birth plan that I brought with me. She's going to be out of town on vacation until June 7th, and she jokingly said I'm "not allowed" to go into labor while she's gone. She urged me not to do anything (no exercise, avoiding strenuous activities, and not doing anything "crazy") until she gets back. So I'm going to stay home and take it easy as much as possible over the next couple of weeks in the hopes that nothing will trigger labor or put unnecessary strain on my cervix.

I see the perinatologist again on June 4th, and I'm hoping there we will find little or no change in the cervix since my last appointment. Baby showers are starting very soon and as long as I'm not put on bed rest, I should be able to attend all of them. How crazy is it that May is almost over and June is about to be here? Regardless of whether she comes early, on time, or late, we'll be meeting our Tessa very soon!

"The Lord values those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His faithful love." -Psalm 147:11

Second Pregnancy Update: 30 Weeks

30 Weeks!

I'm 30 weeks and two days today, and time is flying by! I meant to post this update on Saturday, but the weekend was busy so I didn't get to it until today.

Pregnancy Symptoms

Although the new type of progesterone makes me sleepy, it's actually been very convenient. The medicine I took in the first trimester would knock me out for a few hours, and then I would be wide awake for several hours in the middle of the night. This medicine did that the first night, but since then I have slept very well. I still wake up once or twice, but I have no problems going back to sleep again and I usually feel very rested the next morning.

Early in the pregnancy, I noticed my tongue was starting to look abnormal. Because I drink a lot of hot tea and enjoy soup all year around, I assumed for a long time that I just kept burning my mouth (yes, I'm that clumsy). Acidic foods would aggravate it and make it more painful, and there were pink and white patchy spots scattered on the surface. It wasn't until recently that I realized it might be related to pregnancy hormones or a new allergy. After doing some research, I discovered that what I am experiencing is called "geographic tongue." It can be a sign of dehydration or a food allergy, so I began drinking more water and paying attention to whether or not certain foods made it worse. It wasn't until I switched to my new progesterone that it got noticeably better. After a few days the geographic tongue came back, so I'm pretty sure it's a mild reaction to the progesterone. If I'm correct, then the issue should quickly correct itself when I come off of the medication. We'll see!

A Few Thoughts

We found out from my perinatologist on Thursday that my cervix has shortened in the two weeks since my previous appointment. It wasn't really bad news, but it wasn't ideal either. Because of what happened last time with Addie, he wasn't really too surprised. The good news is that the cervix is still firm and there is no stress on the stitches, but there is some concern that I could go into premature labor before the cerclage comes out. He told us that because the cervix has shortened, he will be removing the stitches at 36 weeks. It's crazy to think that I only have six more weeks with the cerclage. That's not a long time; and though it may not happen, I could go into labor with Tessa the same day or shortly after it's removed! Our baby girl could be joining us very soon! The perinatologist told us that if I go into labor in the next few weeks, then the objective will be to stop the labor. G and I are praying that she waits just a little bit longer before she tries to join us. Just six more weeks, Baby Girl!

The ultrasound technician at the perinatal appointment revealed that Tessa is (still or once again) breech. Even my OB thought she was [mostly] head down, and I think she was, but she's reverted to her former position. This was discouraging news for me because I really want to avoid having a C-section. If I arrive at 36 weeks and she is still breech, the perinatologist won't remove the cerclage. At that point, I'm sure discussions about cesareans will begin. Because she moves so much, I'm still hopeful that she can and will get into the correct position (and stay there) over the next few weeks. In the meantime, I'm continuing to do my birthing class exercises as much as possible to help encourage her to move. 

New pictures!

Nose and lips (sideways).

Honestly, I was really discouraged after Thursday's appointment. It seems that I keep having to relearn the lesson about letting go of expectations and trusting God with whatever comes my way. My aunt reminded me on the phone last night that the worst already happened. Ending up with a C-section or drugs, while not what I would want, is no where near as big of a deal as losing your child. That already happened, and even if it were to happen again unexpectedly with Tessa, I know from experience that God will not leave us. He got us through the worst once, and He can - and would - do it again. Since I'm so far along now, it's not likely that history would repeat itself (unless she were born with a fatal condition that we weren't aware of). My aunt also wisely said that fear is often simply incorrect belief. The more I thought about that, the more profound that definition became. So in an attempt to correct my belief, here's some of my biggest fears regarding my pregnancy with Tessa:

• That I will go into labor before the cerclage is removed, my cervix would tear (and it would be extremely painful), and that it would be difficult or impossible to install a standard cerclage for any future pregnancies (which would mean a transabdominal cerclage - something I hope I never have to get).
• That Tessa will stay breech and I will have to have a C-section, resulting in drugs (that could harm Tessa or her development), a long and painful recovery, and issues from the surgery that can never be resolved (such as recurring back problems from the epidural, permanent tenderness or muscle weakness at the incision site, etc.).

What's the incorrect belief that all of these fears stem from? I think, on some level, I've been believing that my plan and the way I want things to go is better than whatever God's plan is, which could be (and often is) completely different. Reading that makes me see how silly that is. Sure, God's plan might be something I wouldn't have chosen but His plan is always better than ours, even if it doesn't seem like it at first. It's good to be reminded of what you already know every now and then. Why is it so easy to get focused on things that really aren't going to matter in light of eternity? It's funny how quickly we forget what is really important in life. 

I think that because I had no control over what happened with Addie, I've been subconsciously clinging to the things I feel like I should be able to control instead of living in the knowledge that God is the one who has all of the control. Even if everything I am afraid of ends up happening, that won't surprise God. His plan, whatever it is, will not be thwarted. And because He loves me, I can rest in the knowledge that He is working all things together for my good and His glory. Since His glory is what I want more than anything anyway (even when I get caught up in trivial things and forget), then that's enough for me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord, and He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. How happy is the man who has put his trust in the Lord and has not turned to the proud or to those who run after lies! Lord my God, You have done many things- Your wonderful works and Your plans for us; none can compare with You. If I were to report and speak [of them], they are more than can be told." -Psalm 40:1-5

Second Pregnancy Update: 29 Weeks

29 Weeks!

This is my last week in the 20's!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Tessa's definitely gotten a lot stronger over the last week, because sometimes her movements can be a little bit painful. It's nothing major, but it hurts if she stretches underneath one of my round ligaments! Rather than one or two jabs or kicks, it often feels more like a flurry of movement as if she's break dancing or letting loose on a punching bag. I can also tell that she's growing, because my abdomen feels like it has no room whatsoever. If I sit down, lean forward, or roll over, it's very difficult because there's a baby in there that is blocking my movement. I don't mind it at all, but it does contribute to me feeling very large already (and if all goes well, I still have a little ways to go)!

Sleep has been a little better since my last update, though I've yet to have a night in which I didn't wake up and have to go to the bathroom. Fortunately, I've been able to go right back to sleep. There were one or two restless nights, but nothing significant aside from that. Tessa has had a lot of hiccups this week as well (often during the night), which is still really cute. Last night, not long after we had gone to bed, she moved in such a way that tickled me and made me laugh. You know you're ticklish when you can get tickled by your unborn baby. From the inside. Yep, that's me.

A Few Thoughts
The appointment with my OB went very well on Thursday. My glucose test results were normal, so I don't need any further testing for gestational diabetes. Thank you to everyone who prayed about this with us! I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to think about that any further, and now I don't. We discussed my reaction to the progesterone, and my OB suggested I call the perinatologist about it. I also asked about the process of having her approve my birth plan, and she said I could just print it out and bring it into a future appointment for her to look over and discuss with me. What my OB will approve when Tessa decides to arrive is largely dependent on whether or not I test positive for GBS (which I believe I will be tested for at 34 weeks), so we're hoping and praying that the test will come back negative.

I spoke with my perinatologist yesterday on the phone, and after hearing the details of my reaction he decided to discontinue the weekly progesterone shots and give me a different type of progesterone that I would need to take nightly instead. He doesn't believe that I will experience any negative reactions to it, and I'm sure we'll discuss it in detail at my appointment on Thursday. I should be able to pick up the new progesterone either today or Monday at the latest. It's not really a big deal, since I'll only have to take it for 6ish more weeks anyway.

Let me take a minute to say how impressed I have been with our insurance company. They have a free service for their pregnant customers that pairs them with a registered nurse who will call every few weeks to see how things are going with the pregnancy. Tracy, the nurse assigned to me, started calling sometime before I entered the second trimester. She told me that if I wasn't sure about something my OB said in my appointments or I wanted more clarification, she would be able to answer any questions I had. She also said that I would be able to use her as a sounding board for whatever I was thinking and feeling regarding the pregnancy, my doctors, or any medical procedures they might want to perform. Since my OB and perinatologist would be able to answer any of my questions and discuss any concerns I might have, I didn't think that I would need this service. To my surprise, Tracy's phone calls have been a huge help! She is very kind and understanding, and I never feel like she's rushing our conversations. I occasionally want a second opinion about things my OB has suggested, and she has proven to be invaluable in those moments. There were a few times that I disagreed with my OB about the necessity of certain procedures, and Tracy was able to give me resources that would guide me to the information I needed in order to make a wise decision. She has also affirmed my decisions after I've made up my mind and has encouraged me if I felt stressed or emotionally overwhelmed. I really feel like she listens to and understands my concerns, and that means the world to me. I thank God for Tracy, and for all of the other fantastic people He has brought my way during this time of my life!

Last week was a big milestone in this pregnancy, and the next milestone will be making it to 32 weeks. Hang in there, Baby Girl! Thank you again for all of your prayers!

"He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together." -Colossians 1:17

Second Pregnancy Update: 28 Weeks

28 weeks!

I'm now in the third trimester of this pregnancy! Thank you, Lord!

Pregnancy Symptoms

This has not been the best week for sleep! As soon as I climb into bed at night, I suddenly feel wide awake. Sometimes I won't go to sleep for hours, and if I do manage to drift off, I have to wake up at least three times to go to the bathroom during the night. It's just part of pregnancy (and I'm certainly not complaining, because I'm happy to be pregnant again), and I know I'll have some sleepless nights after our sweet girl is here. Tessa, by the way, had hiccups every night starting on Sunday through Wednesday. I don't think they contributed to my lack of sleep, because they wouldn't start until I got back in bed after a trip to the bathroom. But even if they did keep me awake, I don't mind. Little baby hiccups are really cute!

We had a busy day yesterday, and when the evening rolled around we realized I hadn't gotten my progesterone shot yet. Because it was already late in the evening and I need to move around a good bit afterward to keep from getting sore, we decided I could just get it today instead. We ate breakfast this morning and I made sure to exercise before getting the shot so that my muscles would be loose (to help make it less painful), then G gave me the injection. The shot wasn't painful at all (for once), but I felt my body react in a new way. My neck suddenly felt hot, and my throat went from feeling normal to a little itchy and congested. Shortly after that, I started having a coughing fit mid-injection and I couldn't stop myself.  G had to finish giving me the shot as quickly as he could because my coughing was causing the needle to move around a lot. A few minutes after G removed the needle, things started to slow down, and a half hour later I was fine again. I drank some water, which helped the itchy feeling in my throat, and before long all of the congestion was gone! I've certainly never had that reaction to anything before and after doing some research, I found out that a small percentage of people who take progesterone shots do experience coughing fits. Since I haven't had anything like that happen so far, I'll definitely be mentioning it to my OB at my appointment on Thursday. It may be that my body is fed up with all of the needles, or I could be developing some kind of mild allergy that may require me to switch to a different brand of medicine. Either way, I don't think it was a dangerous reaction (though it was initially a little concerning because it has never happened before).

A Few Thoughts

I can't believe there are only 8-9 weeks left until the cerclage comes out! My next appointment with the perinatologist is in a couple of weeks, and we'll probably get a firm date for the procedure pinned down at that time. There are only four weeks of birthing classes left, and then everything will revolve around getting the nursery ready and attending baby showers! As much as I love being pregnant, I'm so ready to cross the 36/37 week finish line. I could carry Tessa all the way until my due date or longer but after those weeks have passed it will be okay if she decides to come. We're so ready to have her with us (just not too soon), and hold her in our arms. I wonder all the time what that day will be like. Will we get to hear her little voice? Will she open her eyes and look at us? Will we see her move? We didn't have any of that with Addie because she was so early, so I don't know what our reaction will be if we get to enjoy those little miracles that often get taken for granted.

Recently, I asked G to pray about something that may sound a little strange to most people. I asked him to pray that my mind would focus on Tessa when it's time for her to be born. Don't get me wrong, I love Addie Jane so much; but as harsh as it sounds, she's not here anymore. Her time has already come and gone, and she's with the Lord now. We truly are at peace with that, and we're grateful for the time we were given with her. While I know she will be on my mind, and that I won't be able to help mentally comparing on some level my birth experience with Tessa to the one I had with Adelyn, I want that day to about Tessa. I want to be as present in those special moments (whether it ends well or not) as I can be. While I will forever hold dear my memories of Addie (yes, even the painful ones), I don't want them to overshadow the new memories we will have on the day of Tessa's birth. Hopefully those memories and experiences will be pleasant and happy (I'm believing they will be), but either way they won't replace the ones we have of Addie. Rather, they will be a reminder that the Lord has shown mercy to us and has not forsaken us in our troubles.

"Those who know Your name trust in You because You have not abandoned those who seek You, Lord." -Psalm 9:10

Second Pregnancy Update: 27 Weeks

27 Weeks!

Only one week left in the second trimester!

Pregnancy Symptoms
From Sunday to Wednesday, my round ligaments were really sore. I think getting adjusted at the chiropractor on Tuesday really helped, because the next day I didn't notice as much pain. The rest of the week was relatively pain-free, which was nice.

Last night, after I had done a bunch of exercises from my birthing class, I felt Tessa change positions. She was definitely straight instead of sideways now (and has been for most of the day), though I don't know if she's breech or head down. Based on some of the movements I've been feeling today, I suspect that she's no longer breech (or at least on her way to being in the right position). Even G said my stomach felt different, so he could tell that she'd moved as well. If she is in a good position, I hope she settles down and stays there!

A Few Thoughts
Tessa's chances of survival if she were to be born this week are about 90%! There was no change in the cervix at my perinatal appointment on Thursday, so I don't believe she'll be making an appearance any time soon. The perinatologist said that I will probably only see him one more time before he takes the cerclage out, which is crazy to think about! He should be taking it out at 36-37 weeks, and he said if Tessa were to be breech when it's time to remove the cerclage, then he will leave it in and we'll discuss scheduling a C-section. He doesn't anticipate needing to though, so I'm hoping she moves into a good position soon (and stays there until it's time for her to come). We also got some new photos!

The glucose test at the OB's office was not a big deal, and I'm really glad I took the jelly beans instead of the sickeningly-sweet drink. I was told that I won't get a phone call if everything looks good, so if I haven't heard anything by my next update, then I'm probably don't have gestational diabetes. My OB moved my visits to every two weeks instead of four, so it seems like we're racing toward the finish line of this pregnancy! There are some very minor things we need to research and make a decision about that will take place at the next appointment (nothing to be concerned about), and I'm really asking the Lord to give us wisdom.

It's weird for me to think that about how if I carry Tessa to the full 40 weeks, then I only have 13 weeks left! And if she comes shortly after the cerclage comes out, then there are only 9-10 weeks left! Things really seem to be flying by now, and baby shower season is almost here. I think once the showers are over, it will really start to sink in that it will almost be time to have her with us!

Second Pregnancy Update: 26 Weeks

26 weeks, and headed out for a walk before it rains!

I'm 26 weeks now, which means there are only two weeks left in the second trimester!

Pregnancy Symptoms
There aren't really any new symptoms to report on since last week's update. Tessa's movements continue to grow stronger and more frequent. She seems to settle down pretty well now when it's time for bed, so I'm hoping this means she'll have a natural sleeping schedule when she joins us on the outside. If I have to get up in the middle of the night then she'll wiggle for a little while, but it it's more like she's perturbed over losing her comfy spot!

A Few Thoughts
I can't believe I'm almost in the third trimester of this pregnancy! Lately it feels as though time has flown by, though it seemed to drag during the first trimester. Lord willing, we'll be bringing home our sweet girl from the hospital before too long (though hopefully not too soon). If Tessa were to be born this week, she would have an 80-90% chance of surviving!

G and I sat in what will be the nursery (after we move our stuff into the master bedroom) on Thursday night and planned out where furniture will go. I had a sudden urge to clean and organize random and insignificant parts of the house that day, so I may be starting to "nest." It's safe to say that we're both very excited!

This coming Thursday is the day I take my glucose tolerance test. Instead of doing the icky drink, my OB told me I can eat 18 classic Brach's jelly beans in five minutes or less. About an hour after I finish my last jelly bean, they will take some blood samples. If you think about it that day, please say a prayer for me! It would be great not to have to deal with gestational diabetes, and I don't know what to expect since I didn't get far enough along with Addie to be tested. I'm not worried about it though, because I know the Lord will walk us through whatever comes our way. The results probably won't be back for a few days, so I'm not sure whether or not I'll have that information by the next update, but we'll see!

I also have an appointment with the perinatologist on Thursday afternoon, so hopefully everything will still be looking good. Mom is going with me, so she will get to see Tessa on the screen again (it's been a while since she came with me to an appointment). We will probably get more pictures, too, since they give us some every time we go. I love getting to see her at my appointments!