Postpartum Update: 6 Week Checkup

I don't know why, but I've been eager for my six week postpartum checkup to arrive so I could get it over with. Maybe I saw it as the last appointment that was connected to grief, though I know I'll always think of our Addie at every appointment for any future pregnancies. Or maybe this final postpartum appointment was the last page in this chapter of our lives for me, and I wanted to be able to turn it and move on to the next one. Regardless of why, I was ready to be done. As the day for the appointment drew closer, I researched what is typically done at the six week checkup so I knew what to expect. There would probably be an examination, maybe some blood work, and also discussion about the next step. As usual, I made a list of any questions I wanted to ask the midwife. There were only a couple of questions this time, and nothing very important - mostly about various herbal supplements I wanted to take. I felt great, and knew my body was pretty much back to normal.

Yesterday finally arrived, and G and I drove to the midwifery for my appointment. Mom had taken me to most of my prenatal appointments when Addie was still with us, so I wanted her to be there as well. We met up with her in the waiting room, and after a few minutes, we were taken to the examination room. I stepped out briefly to another room so they could get my weight and blood pressure. The last time I was in there, the lab tech didn't know about what had happened. This time it was obvious that she knew, based on the well-meaning looks of pity she gave me. She said she was sorry for our loss, and handed me a form to fill out. When I looked at it, I couldn't help but laugh internally, because it was basically a depression survey. It shouldn't be funny, I know, because there are many people who have a very difficult time after they lose a baby. But by the grace of God, G and I are doing great, so I answered all of the questions positively.

When I was finished, the lab tech told me I could return to the examination room. I stepped across the hall to where G and Mom were, and waited for the midwife to see me. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was used to this, because there was usually a long wait, and I know it's probably like that whether you see a midwife or a normal OBGYN. However, after an hour of waiting with no sign of the midwife, I began to feel frustrated. The walls are not well insulated between each examination room, and I could just barely hear the doppler one room over as a midwife looked for the heartbeat of a pregnant woman's baby. I heard the steady thumping of what I hope was a very healthy heartbeat, and smiled as I remembered hearing Addie's for the first time. After listening to inaudible talking from the other rooms for a little while with our wait time pushing an hour and a half, the pity party began. I guess you're only a priority here if you're actually pregnant, I said to myself. As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew it was foolish. Selfish. Untrue. I asked the Lord to help me keep a good attitude. Then the midwife knocked at the door. She came in, sat down, asked me if my period had returned, and then told me I was good to go. That's it? No examination? We waited this long, just for the midwife to spend five seconds telling me I'm "fine?" I knew I was fine, but I expected more from this last appointment than that. I just lost a baby, after all. Surely they're supposed to do more than just ask me a couple of questions. At this point, I felt myself starting to get agitated, so I politely requested she examine me, which she agreed to do. She finished the examination - which was very quick - and restated that I was fine, then spent the next five minutes telling me things I already knew; things they had told me at my previous appointment. We left without having to make another appointment for anything, which was fine with me, since I am going with a different doctor and hospital if I get pregnant again.

We hit traffic on the way back, so G and I spent the remainder of our trip home discussing the appointment. He reminded me that I originally went with the midwives because they didn't do a ton of unnecessary examinations or medical interventions, so we probably should have known this appointment wouldn't be any different. He was right, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like more should have been done. I am happy though, because we've been given the green light to have another baby as soon as we want to (which for us, is right away). There's no second baby yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!

To my surprise, I felt relieved to leave the midwifery (and the hospital they worked out of) behind for good. The midwives had been great until Addie arrived, and I liked everyone there, but I'm glad that everything will be different (hopefully in a good way) if I conceive again. Although I wasn't as satisfied with my last appointment, I do feel even more peace about the situation, and about the direction I feel the Lord is leading us for if there is a next time. I'm hoping, praying, and believing that there will be! All that G and I want is for God's will to be accomplished in our lives, and we will follow Jesus wherever He may lead.

Other than being a little disappointed with how my appointment went, life has been good. The last few weeks have been spent researching different hospitals and doctors, because I want to have all of those decisions figured out in case I get pregnant again quickly. G and I went on a hospital tour (which is apparently an unusual thing to do when you aren't pregnant, but we're both planners), and I made an appointment with a different OBGYN (who actually goes to our church) so I can ask her the many questions I have compiled about what I can and can't do or opt out of for my next pregnancy. The appointment isn't until January, but it's scheduled, so I don't have to think about it for a while. I've also started helping out at our church a couple of days a week, and I've returned to the women's Bible study I stepped out of for a while.

Being the only person in a study on parenting without a child (at least on this earth) isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love to see the women with their babies, and hear about what each of them are experiencing with their children each week. Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about how I won't get to experience the ups and downs of parenting Adelyn, but then I remember where she is and Who she's with, and I am comforted again. More than one woman has reached out to me and told me they were praying for us, or that they read my blog and had something from our experience resonate with them. It amazes me how many people God has encouraged through the story of our baby girl. Things don't always go the way we expect (like my postpartum appointment), but God is never surprised, and He's always in control. I know He's not finished using her or us, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for our future.

Me and G a few days before our anniversary.

The days are turning cold now, but our hearts are warm. Before everything with Addie, I often wished that I could feel God's presence more clearly and love Him more deeply than I did before. Now I sense Him with us constantly in the most powerful way, and I feel like I could burst with love and gratitude for Jesus. Every day is a new and glorious gift from Him, unique with its own beauties and challenges. Sometimes there is sadness, but there is joy all of the time. And through Adelyn's precious life, He has reminded us how fleeting our own lives are. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we try to make the most of each day He gives us. I cherish my family and friends in ways that I didn't before, and I don't take any time I get with them for granted. God has blessed us so much, and He has proven His faithfulness and love to us over and over.

Get to know Him. Walk with Him. Trust Him in all things. I know I am young, but if I've learned anything in the 24 years that I've been on this earth, it's that Jesus is worth trusting. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. And when you place your life in His hands, nothing - not even death - will separate you from His unending love.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39