Second Pregnancy Update: 14 Weeks

14 Weeks! I had not eaten anything recently, so
this is a fairly accurate baby bump size.

Well hello there, second trimester!

Fatigue: Mild
The progesterone pills aren't bothering me quite as much as they were (now that I no longer have to take them, of course). There have been a few restless nights, and I still get tired quickly if I run errands to several different places, but I can see an improvement in how sleepy I feel.

Food Aversions: None
Hurray!

Cravings: None
I don't remember exactly when I started having cravings during my last pregnancy, but it seems like I had some by now. Maybe I won't get any this time around!

Nausea: None
YES!

A Few Thoughts
On Thursday, Mom took me to my pre-op appointment with the perinatologist. A nurse saw us first, and did a quick ultrasound to check the cervix and look at Baby. I hoped they would do another ultrasound that day, since Mom hadn't seen the baby "in person" yet. It was fun watching her "meet" her second grandchild! So far, the baby hasn't been very active during the ultrasounds. It's a funny contrast with Addie, because she moved like crazy (though our first ultrasound with her wasn't until 20 weeks)! I'm curious to see if the movements increase over the next few weeks. There's nothing to worry about though, because the baby's heartbeat looks good and the technicians always say he/she looks perfectly healthy. It may be that this baby is really laid back. Anyway, we were given a couple of new pictures at the appointment, which was a nice surprise!

This picture shows Baby's face from the front, with their little
fists pulled up beside the head.

From the side!

After the ultrasound was finished, the perinatologist came in and did a quick examination of the cervix, which he said looked perfect. Then we went to his office and he took time to answer any questions I had while I signed some paperwork for the hospital. I only asked a few things about the cerclage procedure - specifically about anesthesia - and he answered all of my questions thoroughly. He didn't seem to be in a hurry at all, which I think is a really nice trait in a doctor. Since Mom was there, I decided to ask him if a tendency to preterm labor is hereditary (she went into labor off and on starting at 30 weeks when she was pregnant with my brother). He said if I had been the baby she experienced preterm labor with, then my risk would have been increased. However, it was very unlikely that her preterm labor had any connection to mine, since she didn't go into early labor with me. This was an interesting piece of information to learn, so I'm glad I asked.

If I didn't feel like an adult before this week, I certainly do now. I've taken several phone calls from the hospital to preregister for the cerclage procedure, called the insurance company to work out some details, and talked to the pharmacy about the progesterone shots I'm going to be taking. Lots of "grown-up" phone calls have been made over the last few days! The progesterone will be delivered to our house in the next week or two, and I will take it to the following OB appointment so they can show G how to give me the shots. After that, all I will have to do is call in for a refill every month or so. I'm not looking forward to having weekly injections, but at least I won't have to go into the OB's office to do it.

My next OB appointment is on Tuesday, and they should be taking a few more blood samples to run further tests on the thyroid levels. I'm hoping they don't find anything of concern, and that I won't have to be on thyroid medication in addition to the progesterone. During my research about low thyroid levels during pregnancy, I read that consuming a lot of soy products (among other foods) can cause your levels to get low. I had been drinking a good amount of soy milk before my previous test results, so I switched to almond milk and have tried to incorporate more foods that will bring my thyroid levels back to where they need to be. Hopefully these changes will make enough of a difference, but if not, then I'll do whatever I need to do to protect Baby.

I'll be getting the cerclage installed on Thursday, so I should have plenty to share in my next update!

Second Pregnancy Update: 13 Weeks

13 Weeks! I had just eaten when we
took this picture, so some of that
bump could still be food related.
G definitely thinks I'm starting to
show a little bit, though!

There is a lot to share in this update, so I'll jump right in!

Fatigue: Mild to Moderate

The progesterone pills are still messing with my sleeping schedule, but I haven't been as tired during the day once I start moving around. There were a couple of restless nights this week, but nothing too severe. 

Food Aversions: None

Instead of food tasting badly to me, it seems like every food (regardless of type) tastes so amazing to me. Has food always tasted this good? I don't know about that, but I do know that eating has been a real pleasure!

Cravings: Mild?

Again with the question mark, I know. Food tastes delicious right now, so I still can't be sure if I'm just really enjoying every meal, or if I'm craving something. I did have a spontaneous desire to eat some of that powdery parmesan cheese on top of spaghetti recently (which I ended up having at a friend's house). There still hasn't been anything that I would call a legitimate craving, though.

Nausea: None

I ate dinner with G at On The Border last week and a few hours later my stomach felt a little unsettled. However, there wasn't much - if any - nausea. 

A Few Thoughts

On Wednesday, G and I met with the perinatologist to discuss the cerclage procedure. Both of us were a little nervous about the appointment, because we weren't sure what he would say or if we would like him. Fortunately, he was very friendly and informative! We also asked lots of questions (I had a list), and were very happy with the answers we received. Everything that was decided - at least in my mind - was the best-case scenario for my situation. I'll only have to have the standard cerclage procedure as opposed to a transabdominal one, and he will be using two purse-string stitches ("McDonald" cerclage) rather than sewing into the cervix. He felt there was no need for me to be on pelvic rest right now, or after the cerclage is installed. There will be a period of two weeks following the procedure where I will have to take it easy, but that's just to ensure that there are no problems with the cervix. He said that I could resume my normal routine after that for the remainder of the pregnancy. This is news that we weren't expecting since I thought I would have to take strict precautions, but nothing about the way my pregnancy has progressed so far (even the issue with the subchorionic hemorrhage) seemed to concern him. I was told that light yoga and swimming were okay, but that I should still avoid strenuous exercise. Add that to the walking that I was limited to before and I should have plenty to keep me (and Baby) healthy. I assumed that because this specialist saw absolutely no need for me to be on pelvic rest, my OB would agree and allow me to resume my normal activities. Unfortunately, when I messaged her online and told her what the perinatologist recommended, then asked if I would still be required to remain on pelvic rest, she said yes. That certainly isn't the answer I was wanting, but I understand she's just being cautious and that it's better to play it safe in situations like this.

One piece of interesting information we got from the perinatologist is that he isn't confident that I have issues with incompetent cervix. He says that women typically exhibit specific signs of either preterm labor - which he said I certainly experienced - or symptoms that would imply cervical incompetence. My situation is not quite as common, because there is no way to know whether my cervix had issues that led to my preterm labor, or whether I went into preterm labor that caused my cervix to dilate. For that reason, he said my cerclage would be precautionary since the actual cause of what happened with Addie is unclear. My OB told me ahead of time that I would probably need to take weekly injections of progesterone, and that's exactly what is going to happen starting at 16-17 weeks. He is going to treat a possible incompetent cervix with the cerclage, and a possible tendency to preterm labor with the progesterone shots. Interestingly enough, we were told that Hubby could give me some of the injections. G assured me he gave a lot of shots to livestock when he was growing up, and that it shouldn't be too different! The next appointment with my regular OB is on February 3rd, just a couple of days before the cerclage procedure that will take place on the 5th. So, the cerclage will help with a possible incompetent cervix (or cervical issue), and the progesterone shots should help protect against preterm labor.

The best part of the appointment with the perinatologist was getting another look at Baby! After we signed in, a nurse took us back to a room with an ultrasound machine. She spent time checking on the baby's organs and taking measurements, and she also checked on my cervix (which she said looked perfectly normal). This was the neatest ultrasound room I've been in so far because it had a separate screen where I could see everything she was looking at on her monitor. It was really special to see a little bean-shaped baby wiggling around. The technician also said that the baby whacked its own face with both fists several times, which makes me suspect that this baby may take after me! She told us that with all of the ultrasounds I'll be having over the coming weeks, I will probably find out a little earlier what the sex of the baby is. With each appointment, I find myself growing more and more excited about this new little one. It's hard to imagine that in just a few short months, we'll be holding this baby in our arms! My latest due date is August 1st, and since there are a lot of August birthdays in my family, I'm curious to see if we'll be adding another one to the list or if he/she will end up coming a little earlier.

I saw this baby's profile for the first time, and was struck by how
similar this ultrasound photo is to Addie's! It's definitely not the
same baby, but you can certainly see the resemblance. 

Our little bean-shaped baby!

This photo shows Baby's tiny little hand and arm. So cute!

This week was overall a good week.

Second Pregnancy Update: 12 Weeks

12 Weeks! Pretty sure that little bump is
just a food baby, though.

Happy Due Date, Addie. We love you, always and forever!

Fatigue: Mild to Moderate
Being back on the progesterone means that I feel a little tired most of the time again, but since my energy level is getting back to normal now, I'm not as tired as I was early on in the pregnancy. To be fair, I haven't been great lately about going to bed early. That's something I hope to change this week, and I think it will really help.

Food Aversions: None
Yes! There have been no food aversions over the last week!

Cravings: Mild?
I put a question mark, because I'm not sure if something sounding good actually counts as a craving. It's been so long since I actually wanted food, that I don't know what's normal anymore! Anyway, I watched an episode of Psych earlier in the week, and Shawn and Gus were eating tacos. Suddenly, a taco sounded great, and I wished I had one. So if it does count as a craving, it was a really mild one.

Nausea: None
Hooray! The nausea is gone too, even if I don't eat for a while.

A Few Thoughts
This has been the best week of the pregnancy so far! I wasn't stressed, I felt well, and I ate delicious barbecue with brunswick stew and black eyed peas without feeling like my stomach was trying to kill me later. Food is tasting really good again, and I'm very excited about that!

At my last OB appointment, I had a lot of blood drawn so they could run some routine tests. One thing they wanted to find out is whether or not I've ever had the chickenpox. On Tuesday, my OB's nurse called with my test results and said that everything looked normal. My iron levels were great, and they found out that I haven't had the chickenpox. I'm sure they'll discuss this further at my next appointment on February 3. One other thing they are going to discuss is my thyroid levels, which apparently came back a tiny bit low. I was told that my OB isn't concerned about it, and I shouldn't be either, so it's probably not a big deal. However, they will have to do a few more blood tests the next time I go in. I'm a researcher, so after I got off the phone with the nurse, I started googling thyroid levels in pregnancy to see what would come up. Of course there's a lot of articles that discuss the dangers of low and high thyroid levels during pregnancy, but because my OB didn't call me in or prescribe me medication, I'm not at all concerned about that. I did find out that low thyroid levels can cause preterm delivery, which made me wonder if something like that is what caused me to go into labor with Addie rather than an incompetent cervix. So far, I haven't been able to find any detailed information about the specifics of preterm delivery caused by low thyroid levels, but I do plan to ask a lot of questions when we meet with the perinatologist next Wednesday. For now, I'm just going to assume that my preterm labor with Addie was caused by an incompetent cervix. Looking back, it seems like several people asked if I had thyroid problems after everything happened with Adelyn last year, but I didn't know what the significance of that was, and I had no clue if there were issues with my thyroid (I still have no idea). We'll just have to give all of this to the Lord and trust His leading.

Late on Tuesday night, I was laying in bed on my side and thinking about what was on the agenda for Wednesday. Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted and my attention was drawn to my lower abdomen. Baby was moving! Many doctors and most of the pregnancy books will tell you that it's impossible to feel kicks or wiggles until at least your sixteenth week of pregnancy, but I now know from experience that it's possible to feel them much earlier than that! In fact, I've been certain that I felt a baby kick from time to time for several weeks now. Anyway, G had fallen asleep before all of this started happening, but I woke him up because I knew he would want to know. He put his hand on my lower abdomen to try and feel the baby, and I didn't think he would be able to because the kicks and movements were so light. Yet during one of the really strong flurries, he said he felt it too! We must have a strong baby in there, because he or she isn't more than a couple of inches long and the wiggles were very obvious! It was such a precious moment. A few minutes later, G went back to sleep, and I lay there a while longer just feeling the baby move. It was amazing, and I felt so grateful to God for this new life that He's growing inside of me. It's safe to say that I am now officially excited about this pregnancy! It was a beautiful gift also in light of the fact that today was Adelyn's original due date.

The only other thing I can think of to report is that all of my pants (even the stretchy, exercise kind) are getting tight. If I wear anything but maternity pants or loose pajama bottoms, within a few minutes my abdomen will start getting sore. It doesn't even have to be a very tight pair of pants, and they still aren't comfortable to wear! Also, I think I may be starting to show just a little bit. Nobody else would notice it except maybe for G, but I can see the difference. I am looking forward to getting my baby bump back!

Addie's Due Date

If my pregnancy with Adelyn had continued without any problems, today would have been her due date. As soon as we said goodbye to our little girl, I began to dread January 15, 2015 in the deep recesses of my heart, because I knew it would be a hard day. Yet here it is, and the grace of God continues to take me by surprise. Yes, there is a sadness to this day; but greater than the sadness is the overwhelming joy and peace we have in Christ.

While I am definitely thinking of Addie Jane today, my thoughts also turn toward the many other people who have been affected by death. Almost everyone has lost a parent, a child, a grandchild, a sibling, or a friend, and if they haven't yet, they will someday. Maybe that person is you, or maybe you're the one dying as you sit here reading my post. If that's true, then I want you to know how very much you are loved by God. I don't know what your internal reaction is to that statement, and I don't know all of the reasons behind why God allows suffering into our lives when He has the power to prevent it. But I do know that none of that pain is meaningless, and that God is working all things together for good. 

''I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen. Not because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.'' - C.S. Lewis

When you trust Jesus and surrender your life to Him, it may not change your current situation, but it certainly changes your life and perspective. Without Christ, there is darkness, despair, fear, anger, and futility. With Christ, there is light, hope, courage, joy, and purpose amidst the pain. God changed more lives than just ours through everything that happened with Adelyn. I saw Him bring healing to people who had spent years of their lives in bondage to their pain. He revealed His love to more people in one day than I could have thought possible. Even now, He's using Addie's story to mend broken hearts and give hope to the hopeless.

Our pain always has a purpose.

If our suffering means that you experience the love of our Creator, hope in His salvation, and healing by His grace, then it is not in vain. You are worth every heartache, every moment of pain and difficulty, and God proved as much when He sent Jesus for you.

"But when the goodness and love for man appeared from God our Savior, He saved us- not by works of righteousness that we had done, but according to His mercy, through the washing of regeneration and renewal by the Holy Spirit. This [Spirit] He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by His grace, we may become heirs with the hope of eternal life." -Titus 3:4-7

Do you know Jesus? Do you have the hope and peace that come with following Him? That is God's heart for you, and ours as well.

"[I pray] that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the glorious riches of His inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power to us who believe, according to the working of His vast strength." -Ephesians 1:18-19

Happy Due Date, Addie. We love you, always and forever.

2015 Focus Word: Diligence

Towards the end of 2013, I decided to pick a word to focus on instead of making New Years Resolutions. I chose to focus on the word prayer, because I felt like my prayer life had grown stagnant. When I picked that word, I had no idea how much I would need to pray in 2014. My best friend was in a horrible bicycling accident and died a week later. The next month, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. At exactly 23 weeks in the pregnancy, I went into labor and gave birth prematurely to my baby girl, Adelyn Jane. She only lived an hour. It seemed like every time I turned around, someone was going through a hard time. People lost their jobs, their family members, and their health. It was a hard year for many people, including me and G. A lot of bad happened, but lots of good happened too. People were healed from their sicknesses, babies were born, and I got pregnant again.

A couple of months ago, I started thinking about what my next focus word would be. Today, I picked the word diligence. Though I don't know what God is going to lead me through in 2015, I do know that if I am diligent in the areas that matter (trusting Jesus, praying consistently, studying the Word, and using my time wisely) then I will be able to stand strong in the good times and bad. If everything goes well, G and I will be living out parenthood before the year is done. That stage of life will bring new challenges, joys, heartaches, and adventures.

I opted out of resolutions last time because people who make resolutions are usually only resolute for a short time, but this year I would like to set a few goals that are consistent with my focus word. There are five areas that I would like to be more diligent in:

1. Prayer and Bible study.
2. Waking up early and sticking to a schedule.
3. My role as a wife and mother.
4. My responsibilities as a homemaker.
5. Going outside of my comfort-zone and growing in Christ.

By the end of this year, I'm hoping to improve a lot in these areas. I look forward to seeing what this year holds!

"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who doesn't need to be ashamed, correctly teaching the word of truth." -2 Timothy 2:15

Second Pregnancy Update: 11 Weeks

11 weeks today!

Fatigue: Mild
My energy is returning now, but I still tire out quickly if we run errands. Hopefully I will be back to normal very soon!

Food Aversions: Mild
The food aversions have almost completely gone away. The only time they pop up is when I've waited too long to eat. When that happens, nothing really sounds good to me anymore. If I eat every couple of hours, even if it's just a snack, then I can stomach most things. I'm still not able to eat very strong ethnic foods, though. Since I haven't wanted any, that hasn't been much of a problem. I've noticed that there are certain things I used to be able to eat that no longer appeal to me, such as black pepper (which is strange, since I used to love putting a lot of pepper on everything), and any canned chicken noodle soups. I haven't had homemade yet, but I think I'll be able to eat it just fine. Early on in this pregnancy, mashed potatoes sounded fairly good to me most of the time, but they haven't tasted great to me lately.

Cravings: None

Nausea: Mild
Sometimes, when I wait too long to eat, I start to feel a little nauseated. Other than that, I haven't had any problems with nausea over the last few weeks.

A Few Thoughts
On Tuesday, I had my 10 week checkup with my OB. Everything checked out okay, but I am still on pelvic rest (at least until we talk to the perinatologist in a couple of weeks), and I am back on the progesterone pills for the remainder of the first trimester. Though I would have liked to get the all-clear to return to a normal routine, I expected to hear this news at my appointment, so I'm not too bothered by it.

The last couple of weeks were a bit of a struggle for me (though I feel much better now). There was this weird combination of feelings swirling about inside of me. I was - and still am - very excited about this new baby, but part of me felt frustrated toward my unborn child because he or she isn't Addie. It's not fair to my baby, and I know it's silly, but that's just how I felt. If things had been different, I would likely still be pregnant with Adelyn right now (probably feeling as big as a house) and preparing for her arrival. But that's not how it worked out, and I really am okay with it, but grief plays out in strange ways.

I also felt afraid. I felt afraid because I felt like I had little choice in how this pregnancy plays out. The following questions haunted my mind almost daily:

• What if the doctor and hospital staff act like I don't know what's best for my baby, just because I didn't get a degree in medicine? What if they push me to do something I'm not comfortable with?
• What if I have to be on bed rest for the entire pregnancy?
• What if I have to have a C-section?
• What if the cerclage procedure works, but I experience all kinds of horrible side-effects?
• What if the cerclage procedure doesn't work, and I lose my baby anyway?
• What if this is what it will be like every time I get pregnant? Do I still want to try and have lots of children?

What if, what if, what if. When I was pregnant with Addie, my worst fears came true. What if they come true in this pregnancy, too? 

Why was I so freaked out, by the way? G and I just weathered the storm of losing our first child, and all was well with my soul. I trust God to take care of us, whatever happens. How could I be okay with the death of my baby girl, but not be okay with how this pregnancy was going? What had changed? The answer became clear to me this week:

I forgot the true purpose of my life, my calling as a wife and mother, and my suffering.

I was so focused on the picture I had in my mind of how things "should" be going, that I lost sight of the end goal: to glorify God. The answer to all of my "what if" questions is simple: If any of those things happen (and even if they don't), then God will help me get through it for His glory. Maybe things aren't going the way I want them to because something different has to happen for God to be most glorified through me and my unborn child.

"I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." -Ecclesiastes 3:14

God works so that people will be in awe of Him. He's not working to give me my fairytale life, or an uncomplicated pregnancy, or to produce well-behaved, homeschooled children who will make me proud and change the world. No. He already changed the world by taking the punishment for our sins upon Himself. When it comes down to it, that is the deepest desire of my heart anyway; that people would look at me (and my family) and be in awe of God's love, and goodness, and mercy. That's what I really want, if I think about it at all. So what if things don't go the way I planned? That doesn't scare God. He knows what to do, even when I don't. He takes the darkest, most hopeless situations and uses them in the most powerful ways for good. I, of all people, should know that by now.

I also forgot something very significant: This baby is not Addie. It sounds obvious, and of course I know that, but I've spent so much time comparing this pregnancy to how things were when I was pregnant with Addie. I've worried about experiencing each pregnancy milestone with this new baby (hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks, finding out the sex) because of how I would handle it emotionally. Yet no matter how many times I compare the pregnancies in my mind, this baby will not become Adelyn. Addie's time has come and gone. This baby is just getting started, and whether he or she lives a long time, or just a little while, they will have their own purpose to fulfill in life. 

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." -Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings

My mom gave me a little wooden sign with this quote on it when I was pregnant with Addie. It's one of my favorite quotes from The Fellowship of the Ring, and I watched that movie again the other day. When it reached the part of the movie where Galadriel says these words, I cried. I cried, and I posted the quote on Facebook. Later on, I read a few comments that were posted in response. The first one was like a bucket of cold water waking me up after a long sleep:

"...the next smallest person will do the same...try to enjoy your pregnancy."

The next smallest person will do the same. 

Every thought has been about Addie. I haven't for one second stopped to consider the amazing fact that this new baby also has a purpose. He or she will also be used by God, just like Addie was. They are a completely different soul in a new little body, and he or she has their own unique calling to fulfill that I failed to recognize. Addie did change the course of the future, even if it was just mine, and this baby is going to do the same. No matter the circumstances.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy.

When I read that, I realized that I hadn't been trying at all. Until that moment, I had looked on the entirety of this pregnancy through a negative lens. I wasn't enjoying this pregnancy because I didn't want to enjoy it. That was both selfish, and stupid. I wanted to get pregnant again right away, and God fulfilled that desire. Instead of enjoying being pregnant, all I've done in response is complain about things not going my way, or how x, y, and z is inconveniencing my life. I'm such a fool! 

"How great is Your goodness that You have stored up for those who fear You, and accomplished in the sight of everyone for those who take refuge in You. You hide them in the protection of Your presence; You conceal them in a shelter from the schemes of men, from quarrelsome tongues. May the Lord be praised, for He has wonderfully shown His faithful love to me in a city under siege. In my alarm I had said, "I am cut off from Your sight." But You heard the sound of my pleading when I cried to You for help. Love the Lord, all His faithful ones. The Lord protects the loyal, but fully repays the arrogant. Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:19-24

By the way, we heard this baby's heartbeat for the first time at my appointment, and it wasn't a difficult experience at all; it was wonderful! 160 beats per minute! Thank you, Lord. From now on, I'm going to do what I can to enjoy this pregnancy. Life doesn't stop being beautiful just because things don't go the way we expected them to. Children don't stop being a blessing, and God doesn't stop being good.