Postpartum Update: One Week After Addie

It's strange to think that a week ago yesterday, our little girl had gone to be with the Lord and we were waiting to be discharged from the hospital. It both feels like something that happened years ago and like something that happened yesterday. I'm not sure how it's possible to feel both things simultaneously, but somehow it is.

G went back to work on Tuesday, and has gone every day this week since then. He didn't stay as long each day as he normally does, but his bosses graciously told him to stay home as much as he needed to. It helps him to have work as a distraction, and whenever he starts to feel sad, he comes home. I've had family and friends visit every day, which eases G's mind because he doesn't have to feel badly about leaving me at home by myself. My only real need has been for company, and God has met that need this week. I know eventually I will have to be on my own for most of the day, but it's been nice to be surrounded by people this week who love me while Hubby is at work. My mother in law took me to Home Depot on Wednesday, and we got all kinds of flowers. That afternoon, she and I (along with G) replanted some pots that were on our porch, planted a container she had given G for his birthday, and made a bed of pansies beside the driveway. There is something therapeutic about gardening, and it was so nice to spend time with her.

While G has usually felt most solemn in the afternoon, I've felt my saddest in the evening - probably because I start to get tired. Although we've both had our emotional moments this week (which were amazingly few and far between), we are doing surprisingly well. I can only attribute this to the mercy and grace of God, because if we didn't have this supernatural sense of peace and joy, I don't know how we would make it. I honestly don't know how anybody can go through anything remotely difficult without Jesus.

I got this picture in an email after the "salad in the shirt" incident.

Physically, I'm doing very well also. My chest and abdomen no longer hurt, and it seems like my body is going back to normal. I tire out easily, so I am getting as much rest as I can. Emotionally, I am very well also. I've found that I will often resort to humor when I am dealing with grief, which usually includes lots of facetious comments and "too soon" jokes. G isn't bothered by them at all (thank goodness), but I will probably keep them to myself so that they don't upset other people! I have also been remembering humorous things that have happened at various points since we went to the hospital, such as hearing Dad's ringtone just as we were getting the bad news, and accidentally using lettuce leaves as a natural ice pack instead of cabbage leaves (which I jokingly called "salad").

Most of the time, everything seems normal. I haven't forgotten Addie in the least, and in the rare moment that her little face does slip from my mind, it quickly returns. It's something I remember with happiness, rather than the deep sadness and grief I expected to feel. As I said before, there are sad moments from time to time, but they are brief and uncommon. It was a blessing and a privilege to have her in our lives for as long as we did. The hardest part for us has been seeing the obvious discomfort or awkwardness displayed by others. It's as if some people are holding us at arms' length, or putting a wall up in their hearts. I know we all deal with grief differently, and I can't expect them to act normally if things don't feel normal for them in the way that they do for us. However, it does make it harder. We really are doing well, and we can talk about all that has happened (or not talk about it, if they prefer) with anyone. Feel free to ask us questions about any part of this experience, and know that it's okay to show emotion. We can handle that just fine, but please don't push us away, because we're here for you as you are here for us. You don't have to say or do anything else.

G and I have been surprised by how easy this burden is for us to bear, and I'm reminded of Jesus's words in Matthew 11:29-30:

"All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

He truly has replaced our heavy burdens with light ones. Things that I thought would be hard have not been a problem at all. I walk by the crib we bought pretty much every day, and it doesn't bother me. I see the bag of baby clothes from family members and am happy because I know that they'll be put to use someday - whether by me or someone else. I see the box that holds Addie's ultrasound photos, her foot and hand prints, and the extra outfit that came with the doll clothes my mother bought to bury her in, and it only makes me smile. Other people have had babies and posted pictures of their sweet children on Facebook, and I can genuinely celebrate alongside them without sorrow. 

Some sweet friends brought us dinner last night and we ate, laughed, talked, and teared up together. They have a new baby, and when they originally asked to bring us food, I encouraged them to stay and enjoy it with us and to bring their sweet little girl. Though I knew I wouldn't have any problems mentally with having a little baby around, I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally. I did react, just not in the way I expected to. Seeing her sweet face and marveling at how tiny Addie was in comparison warmed my heart. After dinner, I even had the honor of holding her in my arms. In that moment my heart felt so light! She was nothing like my baby (though still absolutely perfect, sweet, and beautiful), but holding her brought an incredible healing. It was refreshing both to my arms that had felt empty and to my soul. Every time G would look at her, she would break out into the most adorable smile. Babies truly are a balm. God used that baby's parents to heal us as well, because their love for us and their friendship was so evident in our time together. We are truly blessed to have them (and all of you) in our lives.

On Thursday, we will head to the midwifery for my first postnatal appointment. Mom is going with us, and I'm sure we will all have lots of questions to ask the midwife. I don't need to know how or why this happened to us because God has given me His peace, but if they have any insights that would be valuable to share, I would certainly like to hear them. This appointment will be the first of many steps forward into an uncertain (yet hopeful) future. If it comes to your mind that day, please keep us in your prayers. 

"Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith in accordance with what is written, I believed, therefore I spoke, we also believe, and therefore speak, knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and present us with you. For all this is because of you, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to overflow to God's glory. Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if our earthly house, a tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 4:7-5:1

Postpartum Update: Adelyn's Memorial

I'm tired, but my heart is so full. We laid our Addie Jane to rest today beside the lake at the church where G and I met and married. The sun shone so brightly and beautifully, and a cool breeze blew through the grass and trees. I can't remember a more lovely and peaceful day.

We sat in front of her little white casket, surrounded by family and close friends. There was a simple arrangement of white roses on top, along with the tiny little shoes (which ended up being far too big) that we bought the day we found out she was a girl. It was the only thing we had bought for her, and it just didn't seem right for any other little girl to wear them. The service was perfect; everything pointed to Jesus, and the hope that He gives in times of trouble. We laughed and cried, and were greatly blessed by all of the kind words that were spoken. Then we sang "Jesus Loves Me" in unison, and there was a great sense of sacredness as our voices echoed across the graveyard. Pastor closed in prayer, and as soon as he finished, I felt an incredible calm. It was as if a door had closed in my heart - in a good way - and my soul felt rest.

Lunch was served in the same room we used for our wedding reception almost two years ago, and I was struck by how much can change in such a short amount of time. It was a day not unlike today; warm, sunny, and beautiful. We could never have imagined that we would be back here just before our second anniversary to bury our first child. Although it isn't what we thought our life would be like when we would dream about our future, we are choosing to trust God and go wherever He may lead us. His plans are always best, even when it doesn't seem like it.

Just a little while ago, G put it perfectly when he said that it was as if we've crossed a bridge in our lives and can move on down the path. We can't know how many bridges we have left to cross, but we are confident that God will be right there crossing them with us. Thank you all for your prayers, your emails, and your words of encouragement. They have meant more to us than you could ever know. It has been an honor to hear your stories of love and loss, and I am humbled by those of you who shared them with me. May we together move forward from wherever we have been with confidence and faith, trusting in God to lead the way.

"...In all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: Two Days After Addie

It's hard to believe that it has already been two days since we said goodbye to our Addie and came back home. Family members from both sides came to visit us on Friday evening, and provided us with a much-needed distraction from the trials of the day. When we were by ourselves, I collected my thoughts and wrote my previous post. It just seemed like a fitting way to end the day, and the most convenient way to inform a large group of family and friends about what had happened all at once. We were in bed a little after 9:00, and we slept hard for a good ten hours. I lay in bed the next morning for a little while, and my mind went back to Adelyn. It was strange to think that she wasn't tucked safely inside of me anymore. G held me as I cried about it, and we talked for a while. We were grieving, but we both knew that feeling sad, weeping, and hurting are just part of the process.

The rest of Saturday went surprisingly well. Both of us were able to talk about things as they came to our minds without much difficulty, and a sweet friend visited and spent a few hours with us. G fixed a couple of our dining chairs that he had been meaning to repair for a while, mostly because it was something easy to do. I think projects (especially for him) can aid in the healing process. Anyway, we decided to turn in early again last night, hoping we would get another restful sleep. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

At 10:15, we turned out the lights, prayed together, and tried to go to sleep. That's when my brain turned on. For the first time, I felt a little angry; not at God, or the midwife, or anyone really. But I had noticed something unusual taking place throughout the day that I wasn't okay with. My stomach was almost completely flat. I could even see outlines of my abs, and I don't say that proudly. I was deeply insulted that only a day after I said goodbye to my sweet baby, that most every sign of that bump I treasured so much had already disappeared. My body was moving on, and quickly, whether I was ready for it to or not. As I lay in bed feeling frustrated by this, I happened to notice the time. It was after 10:00pm, and that is when Addie was usually her most active. She would normally be kicking up a storm around now, sometimes kicking until 11:30pm every single night. Hubby and I had spent many evenings in bed feeling her move and laughing as he would tap on my stomach and she would kick in response. Now there was nothing. No movement, no sign of life because there wasn't one in there anymore. Then I realized that, although God could bless us with another little baby in the future who would probably kick and wiggle just as much as Addie did, I would never feel her kicks again. At this moment, while these thoughts were running through my mind, G whispered into the darkness.

"I miss her kicking me in the back."

That's all he said, and I realized the occasional sniff I had heard from him wasn't related to a stuffy nose, but because he was feeling the pain of her absence at the very moment I was. You see, the morning of G's birthday, I had snuggled up to him and Addie had decided it would be the perfect moment to start thrashing against his back. He felt her kicks, and we laughed about how cute it was, and how it was like she was telling him Happy Birthday in her own way. We didn't know that we would make a trip to the hospital later that night or that our lives were about to change forever. That was the only time she had kicked him in the back, and it wouldn't happen again. A tidal wave of sorrow washed over me, and we clung to one another, weeping over our loss. After the tears stopped, we spent a few minutes smiling over those memories that had just made us cry. It was a sweet moment. Not long after the quiet returned, my chest began to hurt (something I have been expecting) and I felt some mild uterine cramping (also expected), so I took some Tylenol and got back in bed. I thought sleep would come then, but it would be a long time before either of us finally drifted off.

This morning was the hardest day (at least for me) so far. Part of it was the lack of sleep, I'm sure, as well as the pain in my chest and abdomen. We got up because we had decided yesterday that we needed to go to church. If we had to leave because we couldn't handle it, then we would, but we both wanted to go. I brushed my hair and put on just enough makeup to make myself presentable, and ate a little breakfast that my Honey had fixed for me. I wasn't hungry; in fact, I haven't had much of an appetite since Thursday, but I've been trying to eat whenever I can. It was a quiet, solemn morning for us. I knew I would probably cry at some point, and I barely made it into my seat at church before breaking down. The worship songs that they sang were perfect reminders of the love of Christ, and we left service feeling refreshed in our spirits.

We took it easy for the next few hours after we got back home. At one point, I was laying on the couch texting my brother and was struck suddenly by grief. G happened to come back in at that moment, and he told me it was okay for me to let it out. So I did. I sobbed and mourned for a few minutes, and felt much better afterward. There were lots of moments today where I would be perfectly fine, and then - out of nowhere - be overwhelmed with emotion. It's just part of it, though. It's healthy, and it's okay.

The sunshine has been absolutely brilliant over the last two days. We went outside this afternoon and I sat on the porch while Hubby trimmed some bushes. I watched him work, and realized that God is pruning us in the same way. It doesn't feel good when He removes the parts of us that are ugly or growing the wrong way. We may even feel like there aren't many "branches" left on us, or that we look kind of pitiful and sad, but when the new growth comes in, it's more beautiful than ever.

I don't know why God allowed all of this to happen with Addie, and I may never know. I do know that He is in control, that He is good, and He knows all things and sees every angle in any given situation. I also know that without Jesus Christ, there is absolutely no way I could handle this. None. It shouldn't be possible for me to function. I shouldn't be doing as well as I am. There is no way I could accept my little girl's death, or have hope in the midst of the sorrow. It's all because of Jesus, guys. In such a short time, He has worked and moved in the mightiest of ways that I never could have imagined. When I went to bed last night, this blog had almost 5,000 views in one day (a huge difference from it's usual one or two). Adelyn was only alive on this earth for an hour at most, yet God is using her tiny, sweet, brief life to reach people who are desperate for hope and love. I couldn't be more humbled by this.

Some people have called us brave. But if we're brave, it's not because of who we are, but because of Who we know. Why doesn't it destroy us to lose our baby girl? Jesus. Why can we face death and an uncertain future without fear? Jesus. Why can I wake up every morning with all of the memories of what were and thoughts of what could have been without spiraling into severe depression? Jesus. Why can we smile a true and genuine smile in spite of all this heartache? Jesus. How can I possibly take on the heavy task of laying our girl to rest tomorrow? Jesus. He is what makes all of this possible. He's the rock we cling to as our breath is knocked out of us. He's our hope for a brighter tomorrow. He's our strength when we're weak. He is our joy, our help, our life. If you turn your heart to Him as a result of this situation, whoever you are and wherever you've come from, then our suffering is not in vain. Our heart's desire is that you find peace, love, hope, forgiveness, healing, and rest in Him. He's the source. He's the only way.

"This is the message of faith that we proclaim: if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. With the heart one believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in salvation. Now the Scripture says, No one who believes on Him will be put to shame, for there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, since the same Lord of all is rich to all who call on Him. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." -Romans 10:8-13

Pregnancy Update: 23 Weeks - Say Hello (and Goodbye) to Adelyn Jane

23 weeks!

I had written yesterday's update and all I needed to do was post my 23 week picture, but the day took an unexpected turn. It was Hubby's birthday, and we planned to go out and eat dinner and walk around a few stores at the mall. While he was at work, I experienced what I thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. All of my researching had taught me that although it's most normal to get them during the third trimester, many women start feeling them in the second. Typically, they are few and far between, and very irregular. Well, after confirming with my mom the suspicions I had about the contractions, I told her I would call the midwife if I felt anymore throughout the day. 

Other than feeling a little tight (but not feeling noticeable tightening), I felt fine, so I went about my afternoon. While I was styling my hair and makeup, I felt several more contractions that were close together. As time went by, the contractions continued. Sometimes there would be three or four in the span of four minutes, and other times ten, fifteen, or even twenty minutes would go by before the next one would start. They were very irregular in their occurrence, though I never went more than thirty or forty-five minutes without feeling something. When G got home, I told him about the contractions, and he recommended I call my midwife and ask for advice. They told me not to exercise for a few days (because I mentioned doing a new low-intensity exercise DVD that morning), and recommended that I take it easy. She felt that as long as I didn't start having contractions at regular, timeable intervals, I was probably okay.

With this in mind, G and I headed out and went to a Restoration Hardware store to look around for a few minutes before going to dinner. From the time I finished getting ready to the time we got home after eating, I had consistent (although irregular) contractions. Again, I had read that some women even had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions in the second trimester without anything being wrong. But we decided to play it safe and call my brother-in-law, who is a doctor, and ask for his advice. He recommended going to the emergency room to make sure nothing was wrong, and after waiting to see if I had more contractions (and I did), we called the midwife and she told us to come in.

Honestly, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. My contractions weren't painful, just uncomfortable. Yet the closer we got to the hospital, the more they went beyond being "just uncomfortable." After getting set up in a temporary room, the midwife joined us and did a quick examination. When she was through, I could tell by the expression on her face that something wasn't okay. She said the amniotic sac was pushing through into the vaginal canal, and that my cervix looked like it was completely (or almost completely) dilated. The contractions, she said, were actual labor contractions (in spite of their irregularity), and that I would have to stay in the hospital for at least a week without delivering before Baby Girl's chances of survival would increase. A specialist came in and went over the different scenarios, both for if I managed not to deliver in 36 hours and also for if I did. G and I agreed that we would do whatever we possibly could to save her, even if it meant being in the hospital for a long time. The specialist informed us about the reality of our situation; that if our baby lived, there was a high percentage she would be heavily mentally impaired, possibly blind, and possibly never able to walk. Fortunately none of this scared me, because I know a God who isn't bound by human statistics, no matter how "accurate" they are. I knew without a doubt that if it were His will, He could and would give us a healthy baby girl.

They moved me to a normal delivery room (and thank goodness, a more comfortable bed) and I felt my contractions starting to increase both in regularity and intensity. Then the back labor started. The nurses had angled my bed so that my head was lower than my feet, in an attempt to use gravity to encourage the amniotic sac back into the uterus. Unfortunately, this put more pressure on my back and whenever I would have a contraction, my back would start hurting severely. The contractions themselves weren't comfortable either, and even got fairly painful after a while, but the back labor made it so much worse. I'm not sure how much time passed while I was experiencing this, but the nurses finally gave me pain medicine and a sleep aid with the intent of stopping my labor and contractions. I did eventually fall asleep for a while, and the contractions stopped (or I didn't notice them because of the pain medicine). I woke up a little while later when my water broke. About thirty minutes later - at 3:45am - we welcomed to the world our sweet girl, Adelyn Jane. She was smaller than they expected, though I'm certain my due date was accurate within a couple of days, so I think she was just a petite little baby. She was too early to remain with us for long, and God graciously gave us one hour with her. We loved her and held her as much as we could. 

Addie was so beautiful, guys. She was really tiny, but every part of her looked perfect. She had the sweetest little lips, chin, and nose. While she was with us, she had just the faintest little hint of a smile on her face. It was absolutely precious! Even after she went home to be with the Lord, she was still exquisite. Her features were so dainty and smooth that she looked like a baby doll. A few hours later, both of our parents and my brother made it to the hospital. They were all able to spend as much time as they wanted holding her and admiring her sweet face. It was a special time, filled with both joy and grief. And that "peace that passes understanding," the same peace that filled me when my dear friend Katie died unexpectedly? I felt it so much more strongly today; so much so, that I didn't even feel any sorrow until we were discharged this afternoon. 

Before we left the hospital (G's parents left a few hours earlier), we all got to say special goodbyes to Adelyn. My mom, dad, and brother said theirs first, then Hubby and I had a moment alone with her to say goodbye. We would leave her behind at the hospital, where someone would be picking her up to take her to a cousin who is a mortician. She offered to personally oversee the preparations for the private memorial service we are having for her on Monday, and it eases my mind so much to know that she's being cared for by family.

Even though I felt pretty great physically, I opted to let the nurse take me to our vehicle (which Dad offered to drive home for us) in a wheel chair. Each step we took away from that room increased an ache that my heart had begun to feel. If things had been different, she would be coming home with us. We wouldn't be leaving her behind. Yet I take comfort (and have taken comfort over the last 24 hours) in this passage from Job:

"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

This has been a very difficult year for me, but I know it's been hard for pretty much everyone. This is yet another of the many struggles I am told in Scripture I will face as a Christian, yet none of them are in vain if I turn my heart to Christ.

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

If you are going through a difficult time, know that you can find peace and strength to move forward in Jesus Christ. Without Christ, there is no way I could accept something so traumatizing as the death of my sweet child. Without Christ there is no purpose for my pain, no rainbow after the storm. Without Christ, there is no hope for a better tomorrow or a glorious reunion in eternity after death. If you don't know Him, just sit and read through the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John in the Bible. Turn your hearts to Him and find that peace that transcends understanding or comprehension. 

Until we meet again, Addie Jane...I love you.

Pregnancy Update: 22 Weeks

22 weeks!

Even though it has only been two weeks since we found out we were having a girl, I already feel so much closer to her. It's amazing how something as simple as learning the sex of our baby can make such a huge difference in how I feel about and relate to my unborn child. She has a name now (which we're keeping a secret until she's born), and we call her by it when we're talking to or about her at home. In a relatively short amount of time, G and I both have grown to love her so much. Mom was able to feel her kick for the first time this week, also!

There isn't a lot of new information for this week's post, except that I did make a phone call to the midwife just to double check a minor symptom I was having. As I thought, it was completely normal and there was nothing to be concerned about. Other than that, everything is going well with the pregnancy!

The Spiritual Parenting book I've been reading by Michelle Anthony has really been kicking my butt (in a good way). It is so deep and good, and is completely changing my perspective both in how I plan to parent our little girl, and how I view my own relationship with Christ. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to use this study to work in my life.

Pregnancy Update: Week 21

This update is a little late, because G and I were in Destin with family all last week. It was such a wonderful trip! We both really needed to get away for a little while and recharge (especially the Hubby, because he's been working so hard lately).

21 weeks!

Baby Girl's movement picked up significantly while we were at the beach, which makes us think she's going to be a beach lover just like we are! Every day was filled with very strong movement, sometimes startling me because I was sure she would come busting out through my stomach at any moment. Both my aunt and uncle were able to feel her move, which was really cool. She's also started doing this really weird (yet awesome) thing where some part of her is really far forward and to one side, so that when I look down at my stomach, there is very obviously a baby part bulging out. It usually feels really hard when I put my hand there, and sometimes she starts wiggling as a result of the pressure.


Yesterday afternoon, I put on some music while G was working in the house. Not long after it started, Baby Girl began moving like crazy! She must have really liked what I was playing, and maybe that means we have a future piano player or ballet dancer. It was such a neat experience.

Women's Bible Study has started back up again at our church, and we're going through Spiritual Parenting by Michelle Anthony. Despite being one chapter into it, I'm already being challenged in a big way. Hubby and I read it together on vacation, and it really made me reevaluate how I've planned to parent until now. If you're a parent or grandparent (or will be soon), I highly recommend that book.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Baby Girl likes ice cream.