Monday, March 30, 2015

It Is Finished - On Adelyn's Headstone and Victory Over Death

After Adelyn's death in September, G and I started looking into headstones for her grave. Our search slowed some about a month later when we found out the Lord had blessed us and I was pregnant again. We never stopped looking however, and almost ordered a custom stone from an online site. Before we decided to order it, some friends with connections to a headstone manufacturer offered to be our go-between and help us get a nice stone. They showed themselves to be the most devoted and compassionate of friends to us in our time of need and because of them, we were able to get a beautiful stone for half the cost of the online store. We picked it up a couple of months ago, and waited for the seasons to change so we wouldn't have to install it in the cold. G picked out the material (black granite) and we both chose the border and font. It turned out even more beautiful than I imagined. It's perfect.


On Saturday, two months after we picked it up from our friends, we finally had the chance to install her stone. The morning air was cool, but the sun was out and the sky was clear. G examined the burial site, took all of the necessary measurements, and began the task of installing the grass marker. Less than an hour later, the task was complete.



We loaded the tools in the back of the SUV, then G and I stood together and surveyed his work. After a moment of silence we said our customary goodbyes to Addie, climbed into the vehicle, and drove off toward the next event of the day. Though we've had closure in this situation for a while, both of us felt a little lighter when we left the church than we had when we arrived.

I am in awe of God, especially this week. He is continuing to use Addie's life to display His glory to us and to the world. We didn't determine ahead of time to install her headstone at this significant point in my pregnancy, but that's how the Lord worked it out for us. It's not a coincidence that Addie was born at 23 weeks and one day, and that on Easter Sunday I will be 23 weeks and one day in this new pregnancy. Nor is it a coincidence that she was born and died on a Friday, and that Christ-followers everywhere (including me and G) will remember His death on the cross for our sins on Good Friday. My eyes are now opened to the fascinating reality that as long as we live, when we think of our Adelyn Jane, we will also be reminded of the incredible gift that Jesus gave us (forgiveness of sins, a restored relationship with our Creator, and the promise of life spent with Him for all eternity) when He took the sins of the world upon Himself and paid the ultimate price for our freedom. Addie's life is finished, but because of Jesus, so is the control that death and sin had over our lives. We are free!

"When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, 'It is finished!' Then bowing His head, He gave up His spirit...So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first man and of the other one who had been crucified with Him. When they came to Jesus, they did not break His legs since they saw that He was already dead." -John 19:30, 32-33

As strange as it will sound to some people, these amazing parallels make life worth the struggle. The words of King Theoden (The Two Towers) resonate within me when he says that "no parent should have to bury their child." Yet God buried His own Son for us so that we who must bury our own children can take heart and have hope. And although the body of my firstborn is still in her grave, the glorious truth is that the tomb of Jesus, the sinless Son of God, is empty! Because He died and rose again after taking the punishment for our sin upon Himself, we can look forward to spending eternity with our Savior and seeing our little girl again one day.

"After the Sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to view the tomb. Suddenly there was a violent earthquake, because an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and approached [the tomb]. He rolled back the stone and was sitting on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his robe was as white as snow. The guards were so shaken from fear of him that they became like dead men. But the angel told the women, 'Don't be afraid, because I know you are looking for Jesus who was crucified. He is not here! For He has been resurrected, just as He said. Come and see the place where He lay. Then go quickly and tell His disciples, "He has been raised from the dead. In fact, He is going ahead of you to Galilee; you will see Him there." Listen, I have told you.' So, departing quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, they ran to tell His disciples the news. Just then Jesus met them and said, 'Good morning!' They came up, took hold of His feet, and worshiped Him." -Matthew 28:1-9


Saturday, March 28, 2015

Second Pregnancy Update: 22 Weeks

22 Weeks!
Pregnancy Symptoms
Not much has changed since last week. I've noticed (but forgotten to mention) that I might have developed an allergy to bandage adhesive. For the last month or so, if I've used a bandage, my skin has looked very red and splotchy after it is removed. With waterproof bandages, any skin that touches the adhesive gets really dry and flaky. Regardless of what kind I use, it leaves an outline from the bandage on my skin for a very long time. I could be sensitive because of pregnancy hormones, or as a side-effect to the progesterone shots. Either way, it's not a big deal.

After I went to bed on Thursday, I spent most of the night tossing and turning because I couldn't find a comfortable position (which is now limited to two - left side and right - since I can no longer sleep directly on my stomach). Baby Girl moved like crazy all night too, so I guess neither of us could get comfortable!

Her movements are continuing to increase in frequency, and it seemed at various points this week that she was responding to my voice when I would talk to her. Until now, there hasn't been much of a noticeable difference in how much she moved when I would speak verses her movements when it was quiet (except for when G would talk - she already loves her daddy). Maybe she's starting to recognize voices now!

A Few Thoughts
This week has been a little bit unusual for me emotionally. I think some of it has to do with the next pregnancy checkpoint being 23 weeks, and all of the memories associated with it. One morning, I woke up thinking about Adelyn and everything that transpired with her. Since there was nothing pressing for me to see to, I chose to lay in bed for a while longer and remember. No matter how well you handle heartache or how much you trust the Lord, there will still be moments of pain and grief. I was sad for a little while. Then the sun came out, the birds started singing, and I remembered that the Lord had made a brand new day. God has felt very near this week, by the way, and I'm comforted by the knowledge that He understands when we're feeling (even when I don't) and cares about what happens to us. Though I know next week will probably zoom by and be over before I can blink, I'm still dreading it. This is just something I'll have to get used to, because every year on Addie's birthday, and with every 23rd week of any future pregnancy, her precious face will return to my mind and I will remember. It will probably be sad, and maybe sometimes it will be happy. I'm just so grateful that the Lord is right here with us; growing us, sustaining us, and moving us toward the next thing. I'm glad these aren't wasted experiences or tears, and that He's using them for good in ways we can't fathom.

"God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1

Last year after Addie went ahead of us to be with the Lord, my mother-in-law and I planted some tulips. She had given them to G for his birthday, and she rightly believed that doing some gardening would be therapeutic for both of us. God is certainly showing us He cares for us, because they bloomed this week. To me, they serve as a reminder that our hope is not in vain, and if we keep trusting and following Jesus, He will make something beautiful out of our struggle. 



"There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; a time to search and a time to count as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his struggles? I have seen the task that God has given people to keep them occupied. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and enjoy the good life. It is also the gift of God whenever anyone eats, drinks, and enjoys all his efforts. I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 (emphasis mine)

My dear friends, there is a time to die.
But there is also a time to give birth.
There is a time to uproot.
But there is also a time to plant.
There is a time to kill.
But there is also a time to heal.
There is a time to tear down.
But there is also a time to build.
There is a time to weep.
But there is also a time to laugh.
There is a time to mourn.
But there is also a time to dance.

I pray that I never get so focused on the time to die, uproot, kill, tear down, weep, and mourn that I miss out on the time to give birth, plant, heal, build, laugh, and dance! Though I'm definitely no Old Testament prophet, something tells me we are emerging from the darkness into the light. 

"[Lord Elrond] 'I looked into your future and I saw death.' [Arwen] 'But there is also life!'" -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

There's a strange sense of change in my spirit right now, and I think good things are in our future. They may not look like what we expect, but that won't change the fact that they are good, and for our good. Whatever God has in store for us and our families, I trust Him. God is still working, and we are in awe of Him.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Second Pregnancy Update: 21 Weeks

21 Weeks!
Different pregnancy symptoms have started to emerge over the last week!

Pregnancy Symptoms
The round ligament pain seems to have eased off temporarily, though it wouldn't surprise me if it came back before too long. It may be that some of the stretches I have to do in my birthing classes are helping that out. There is some occasional lower back pain, but that too could be related to some exercises that I'm doing for the class.

I've noticed that it's getting much harder to change sleeping positions at night, because my belly feels large and heavy! This will certainly increase the further along I get in the pregnancy, since my belly is just going to keep getting bigger. It hasn't been a problem so far, but it takes me way longer to roll from one side to the other than I am used to. At least I have lovely baby kicks to amuse me until I find a comfortable spot!

I also can't bend at the waist at all after eating a meal and if I stand up straight, I can't see my toes because my baby bump sticks out so far! That's not an issue for me though, because it means Baby Girl is still in there and still growing. From time to time, my belly will bump into something or press buttons accidentally. I have a feeling this will just become more common, too! Though it could be my imagination, I feel so much bigger at 21 weeks with this baby than at 23 weeks with Adelyn Jane!

One more thing that is different from last week is that my skin is starting to get very tight. I don't believe it's possible to prevent stretch marks (and that whether or not you get them is based on the natural elasticity of your skin), but I've been trying to keep plenty of homemade lotion on there so I don't get itchy. If I press my fingers into my abdomen, they don't really go anywhere, so it won't surprise me if I get some stretch marks in the coming weeks! Fortunately, the thought of my skin scarring from a growing baby bump doesn't upset me in the least. I see it as a medal of honor that marks my "mom status." When I was pregnant with Addie, I didn't get any because she was born too early. Rather than having the scars as a memory of my first pregnancy it was as if the entire thing hadn't happened at all, which was way worse to me than having scarred skin. Hopefully this time I'll get those beautiful belly marks to go along with the memories of this pregnancy!

A Few Thoughts
Wednesday was the 20 week anatomy scan. During that time, the technician carefully examined Baby Girl to check on her heart, brain, kidneys, and other important organs to make sure everything was working properly. They also checked for any physical abnormalities, took measurements (which I forgot to ask about), and checked the amniotic fluid levels. Everything looked great!

The appointment drew my thoughts to situations in which some babies are not healthy - or perhaps "typical". It seems to me that so many people are terrified by the possibility that their child could be born with a physical or mental handicap. Though I understand their desire for a healthy child, I believe those situations are nothing to be afraid of - or upset by if they should actually arise. Before I continue sharing my perspective, I'd like to say that I'm not talking about babies who are born with severe health problems that cause their lives to be cut short unexpectedly within hours of their births. Nor am I talking about the babies whose medical conditions cause them to be ill or in serious pain for most of their lives. These are all things to be concerned about. I'm merely referring to babies who are born with special needs or physical abnormalities. Here's what I believe about these (and all) children: they are uniquely created by God just like everyone else, and they have a vital role to play in His plans. Their significance in light of eternity isn't forfeited just because they are born different from others; in fact, I think God uses these special children in ways that other children cannot be used to accomplish His purpose. We see parts of God and His heart that we wouldn't normally get to see reflected in the faces and lives children with disabilities or handicaps. If God were to give me a child who was "different" for any reason, I would consider myself to be richly blessed. I've always thought that God calls and equips the parents of children with physical abnormalities or mental challenges in ways that He doesn't with other believers. He trusts them with much, and I believe that if they trust Him with what they have been given in return, He will use them and their wonderful children to impact the lives of others in powerful ways. The world is a better place with these children in it, I think it's abominable that unborn children who "might" end up dealing with one or more of these issues frequently have their lives cut short by parents who deceive themselves into believing they are being merciful by sparing them from hardship. I don't mean to rant, especially about things I haven't experienced and don't fully understand. But in my limited knowledge I am certain that, as Dr. Denmark championed in her lifetime, every child deserves a chance. God is loving, and He extends His grace to all of us because we have all fallen short and are in need of His forgiveness. If you are struggling with fear about your unborn child's health, let me encourage you and remind you that God is in control of all things. He sees your child's future, and if you trust Him - whether it ends well or not - that child will bless your life in ways you could never have imagined!

"Some people were even bringing infants to Him so He might touch them, but when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. Jesus, however, invited them: 'Let the little children come to Me, and don't stop them, because the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.'" -Luke 18:15-17

If you're reading this, and you were born with some kind of physical or mental challenges, know that there is nothing wrong with you. Society may not see your worth, but you are priceless to the God who formed you in the womb personally and with great joy. Don't allow the enemy to discourage you into thinking you aren't enough, that there's something "wrong" with you, or that God cannot use you because of the ways you are different. You've been fearfully and wonderfully made by a Creator who knew you before you were formed (Psalm 139:13-16).

Two weeks from now, I'll be where I was in the pregnancy when Addie joined and left us. I'm not worried about that day at all, but I am curious about how it will effect me. Sometimes when you think something won't make you sad, it does; and sometimes it's the other way around. Based on how well my checkups have been going, I don't expect any problems to arise. I think that 23rd week will come and go quickly, and a few short weeks after that we'll be going in to have the cerclage removed. But even if things don't go as planned (which is always a possibility), I know that God is working all things together for good. Things don't always go the way we think they should, but God never abandons us. He is always good, even when our circumstances aren't.

Thank you, Lord!

"But as for me, God's presence is my good. I have made the Lord God my refuge, so I can tell about all You do." -Psalm 73:28


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Second Pregnancy Update: 20 Weeks

20 weeks!
20 weeks, and no negative symptoms to report!

A Few Thoughts
It astounds me that I'm already half way (or possibly less, depending on when Baby Girl decides to come) through this pregnancy! It wasn't long ago that I was twenty weeks with Addie, and I'm only a few weeks away from entering new pregnancy territory (at least for me, since Addie came at 23 weeks). I'm expecting this to feel sort of like a first pregnancy before long, since I haven't finished a second trimester or experienced a third yet. I'm interested to see what these stages of pregnancy are like!

Occasionally this week I've felt just a little bit of round ligament pain, which is normal for this point in the pregnancy. I remember dealing with it around this time in my pregnancy with Adelyn as well. It only lasts for a few seconds, and is very mild, so I haven't been too uncomfortable. There was also a day this week after eating a meal that G laughed at me for having a little bit of a pregnancy waddle! Both of us think that I am showing more at 20 weeks with this baby than I was at 20 weeks with Addie. I certainly feel bigger this time around!

Tonight is our second Bradley birthing class, and everything is going well so far. There were a few awkward moments last week when we had to watch videos of labor and delivery, but we got through it without too much scarring! The exercises I've had to do are very low-impact, and have been really relaxing. Relaxation is a fundamental part of the Bradley method of child birthing, and I think I will see a big difference (for many reasons) between this labor and my labor with Addie. In addition to several new exercises, I've also had to keep close records of the food I eat with the goal of consuming at least 100g of protein daily. Although I did have to add a few more protein-packed snacks to my eating regimen, it hasn't been quite as challenging to meet that quota as I expected it would be.

Next Wednesday is the 20 week anatomy ultrasound with the perinatologist. He'll be examining Baby Girl closely from head to toe to check for abnormalities and take measurements. I'm curious to see what her weight and length will be. How funny would it be if I ended up with a big baby? That probably won't happen, but it's amusing to think about!


Saturday, March 7, 2015

Second Pregnancy Update: 19 Weeks

19 weeks, and another shirt from Nana!
I'm happy to report (once again) no fatigue, food aversions, cravings, or nausea!

A Few Thoughts
The progesterone shots are going well, and Baby Girl's movements have become more frequent. This week especially, she's been kicking up a storm at all hours of the day!

I'm already noticing some differences between this baby and Addie that are very interesting. Addie would go crazy whenever music was played or during worship at church, and she would get still whenever the sermon would start (probably tired out from dancing). This baby doesn't seem to care about music at all yet, but she starts wiggling every time a pastor starts preaching, and frequently while we're watching movies. We're speculating that she will be a laid-back little girl who enjoys sermons (I wonder who she might be taking after)!

Tonight, G and I are starting birthing classes that will continue for 12 weeks. By the time they're over it should be close to when the cerclage comes out, so whether I go into labor quickly or continue to carry Baby Girl for a few more weeks, we should be well prepared this time. Our instructor will be teaching us the Bradley Method, and we're reading Husband-Coached Childbirth by Robert A. Bradley, MD. So far, I think it's really interesting. I'm looking forward to learning new things about child birth. Even though we haven't finished the book yet, I already highly recommend it to any woman looking for a good child birthing method.