G went back to work on Tuesday, and has gone every day this week since then. He didn't stay as long each day as he normally does, but his bosses graciously told him to stay home as much as he needed to. It helps him to have work as a distraction, and whenever he starts to feel sad, he comes home. I've had family and friends visit every day, which eases G's mind because he doesn't have to feel badly about leaving me at home by myself. My only real need has been for company, and God has met that need this week. I know eventually I will have to be on my own for most of the day, but it's been nice to be surrounded by people this week who love me while Hubby is at work. My mother in law took me to Home Depot on Wednesday, and we got all kinds of flowers. That afternoon, she and I (along with G) replanted some pots that were on our porch, planted a container she had given G for his birthday, and made a bed of pansies beside the driveway. There is something therapeutic about gardening, and it was so nice to spend time with her.
While G has usually felt most solemn in the afternoon, I've felt my saddest in the evening - probably because I start to get tired. Although we've both had our emotional moments this week (which were amazingly few and far between), we are doing surprisingly well. I can only attribute this to the mercy and grace of God, because if we didn't have this supernatural sense of peace and joy, I don't know how we would make it. I honestly don't know how anybody can go through anything remotely difficult without Jesus.
Physically, I'm doing very well also. My chest and abdomen no longer hurt, and it seems like my body is going back to normal. I tire out easily, so I am getting as much rest as I can. Emotionally, I am very well also. I've found that I will often resort to humor when I am dealing with grief, which usually includes lots of facetious comments and "too soon" jokes. G isn't bothered by them at all (thank goodness), but I will probably keep them to myself so that they don't upset other people! I have also been remembering humorous things that have happened at various points since we went to the hospital, such as hearing Dad's ringtone just as we were getting the bad news, and accidentally using lettuce leaves as a natural ice pack instead of cabbage leaves (which I jokingly called "salad").
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| I got this picture in an email after the "salad in the shirt" incident. |
Most of the time, everything seems normal. I haven't forgotten Addie in the least, and in the rare moment that her little face does slip from my mind, it quickly returns. It's something I remember with happiness, rather than the deep sadness and grief I expected to feel. As I said before, there are sad moments from time to time, but they are brief and uncommon. It was a blessing and a privilege to have her in our lives for as long as we did. The hardest part for us has been seeing the obvious discomfort or awkwardness displayed by others. It's as if some people are holding us at arms' length, or putting a wall up in their hearts. I know we all deal with grief differently, and I can't expect them to act normally if things don't feel normal for them in the way that they do for us. However, it does make it harder. We really are doing well, and we can talk about all that has happened (or not talk about it, if they prefer) with anyone. Feel free to ask us questions about any part of this experience, and know that it's okay to show emotion. We can handle that just fine, but please don't push us away, because we're here for you as you are here for us. You don't have to say or do anything else.
G and I have been surprised by how easy this burden is for us to bear, and I'm reminded of Jesus's words in Matthew 11:29-30:
"All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
He truly has replaced our heavy burdens with light ones. Things that I thought would be hard have not been a problem at all. I walk by the crib we bought pretty much every day, and it doesn't bother me. I see the bag of baby clothes from family members and am happy because I know that they'll be put to use someday - whether by me or someone else. I see the box that holds Addie's ultrasound photos, her foot and hand prints, and the extra outfit that came with the doll clothes my mother bought to bury her in, and it only makes me smile. Other people have had babies and posted pictures of their sweet children on Facebook, and I can genuinely celebrate alongside them without sorrow.
Some sweet friends brought us dinner last night and we ate, laughed, talked, and teared up together. They have a new baby, and when they originally asked to bring us food, I encouraged them to stay and enjoy it with us and to bring their sweet little girl. Though I knew I wouldn't have any problems mentally with having a little baby around, I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally. I did react, just not in the way I expected to. Seeing her sweet face and marveling at how tiny Addie was in comparison warmed my heart. After dinner, I even had the honor of holding her in my arms. In that moment my heart felt so light! She was nothing like my baby (though still absolutely perfect, sweet, and beautiful), but holding her brought an incredible healing. It was refreshing both to my arms that had felt empty and to my soul. Every time G would look at her, she would break out into the most adorable smile. Babies truly are a balm. God used that baby's parents to heal us as well, because their love for us and their friendship was so evident in our time together. We are truly blessed to have them (and all of you) in our lives.
On Thursday, we will head to the midwifery for my first postnatal appointment. Mom is going with us, and I'm sure we will all have lots of questions to ask the midwife. I don't need to know how or why this happened to us because God has given me His peace, but if they have any insights that would be valuable to share, I would certainly like to hear them. This appointment will be the first of many steps forward into an uncertain (yet hopeful) future. If it comes to your mind that day, please keep us in your prayers.
"Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith in accordance with what is written, I believed, therefore I spoke, we also believe, and therefore speak, knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and present us with you. For all this is because of you, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to overflow to God's glory. Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if our earthly house, a tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 4:7-5:1
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