Second Pregnancy Update: 9 Weeks

I'm nine weeks pregnant now, and It's funny how similar my current symptoms are to the ones I had at this stage with Addie. Here's what I've been experiencing over the last few weeks:

Fatigue: Moderate to Strong

Although I experienced lots of fatigue when I was pregnant with Adelyn, G and I both think that it has been much more intense this time. The progesterone pills I'm having to take list dizziness and drowsiness as some of the side-effects, so that could have something to do with it. Whatever the cause, I often feel like I could sleep all day long, and taking a nap doesn't determine how much I sleep at night. Today is the first day that I haven't felt exhausted, so maybe things are starting to improve.

Food Aversions: Very Strong

Last time, I had lots of food aversions, but smells didn't seem to bother me much. There were also a few things that I could eat without any problems. This time, smells of all kinds turn my stomach. Anything that smells strong - from greasy food to scented candles - sends me running from the room. Even smells I used to like are unbearable now! As far as food is concerned, there is very little that sounds good to me. And if I do manage to find something edible, I will only get a few bites down before I have to stop eating or switch to a different food. Sometimes a certain food will sound good, and the moment it's placed in front of me, my stomach starts to churn with displeasure. It's all part of the pregnancy process, but it can be very frustrating. Thankfully, there's a diner close to our house that is open 24/7/365 (no joke, and it's a pregnant lady's dream!), and we discovered that you can call in and place take out orders! Yesterday, I wanted some of their matzoh ball soup, so G picked up several things for me. It was the first meal I was able to eat a significant amount of in weeks! Today was my best day for eating so far, and if you know me, you know how exciting that is. Anyway, I have noticed that anything with a strong flavor or lots of seasonings really unsettles my stomach, so I'm trying to stay away from ethnic food until my eating gets better.

Cravings: Low to None

I didn't have many cravings at this point when I was pregnant with Addie, and it seems that is true for this pregnancy as well. There have been very few things that have sounded good to me, but a few things I have felt like eating have been a bean burrito from Taco Bell (gross, I know), potatoes and gravy from KFC (also gross, and I haven't had this yet), and of course, the matzoh ball soup. None of these things - except for the soup - have been "cravings," just things that haven't sounded awful. Although I normally eat very healthy, organic foods, I've noticed that I only crave junk when I'm pregnant. And if I eat it, I always regret it. Those "foods" just don't taste like they did when I was a child, and it's probably because my body loves healthy food now. I'm curious to see what foods I crave over the next few months. Please be fruits and veggies!

Nausea: Mild to Moderate

This is a new symptom for me, since I didn't experience morning sickness last time. Early on, I just felt mildly nauseated a couple of times a week. Now I feel nauseated every day, for at least a little while. There were a few days where I felt very strong nausea, and if I don't eat for several hours, it comes on very quickly. I haven't actually gotten sick yet, and I'm hoping that won't happen. Although with the moderate nausea, I would rather get it over with and feel better. Today, things have been significantly better. Although there were a few moments of mild nausea, I haven't felt this good in weeks!

Other Symptoms:

• The bleeding from the hemorrhage has stopped completely now.
• I had a lot of acne outbreaks on my face for several weeks, but those have significantly decreased over the last few days.
• I felt pretty achey all over on a few random days, but that seems to have improved as well.

A Few Thoughts
There have been times where I was tempted to be fearful about the future and discouraged because things haven't gone the way that I expected them to, but then I remember Who holds our future (and that of our baby). This has been a hard year for lots of people, including me and G, but God has not abandoned us in our struggles and heartaches. The future is uncertain, but the Lord is still on the throne. God doesn't always give me what I want, and it doesn't always feel pleasant. I don't always understand why or how things happen the way they do, but I do know that God uses all circumstances for good. I think oftentimes, the trials that we face in life - both big and small - have a much bigger purpose than we can understand. So whether I give the child in my womb back to Him earlier than I expect to (like with Addie), or I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby, I trust Him. He's good all the time, and that truth is not dependent on my level of understanding about the situation. We're going to face lots of difficult things over the next year. It's going to be hard when we hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time, because my mind will go back to the first time we heard Addie's. We will struggle on January 15th, because that was Addie's due date. It will be bittersweet when we find out the sex, because the memories of that 20 week ultrasound - the special day we named our first child Adelyn Jane - will come rushing back. And if I reach and pass my 23rd week of pregnancy with this baby, there will be pain as we remember what happened at that point with Addie. G's birthday (as well as Adelyn's, which was the next day) will always have those painful memories attached to it. Yet look at the beautiful words of God that we can cling to in those hard times:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy." -Psalm 126:5

"Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:30-31"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are those who mourn, because they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:3-4

"We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh...Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:8-11, 16-18

"So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up." -Galatians 6:9

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

No matter what troubles you may have faced so far, or what troubles are yet to come, know that there is always a purpose for your pain. You alone must decide whether you will let your circumstances define you or refine you. Trust in the Lord, friend, and have faith. He loves you so much, and He's not finished with you yet!

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Second Pregnancy Update: 7 Weeks

7 weeks! Not a great picture because
the lighting was bad inside.

The last couple of weeks have been really crazy for us. About a week and a half after I took my first pregnancy test, I decided to take another one. I admit that it was done purely out of emotion, not reason, which is the opposite from how I normally do things. When I found out I was pregnant with Addie, I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that reality. I ended up taking another test the following day, because I thought that the news would finally sink in with two positive tests. When I took the second test this time, it was after thinking about Addie. Again, the news was taking a while to sink in, so I thought another positive test would help. I took the test, waited three minutes, and was startled by the appearance of only one line. Negative? I had expected to see two lines again, so when I only saw one, I tried not to panic. As I stared at the test, I noticed that the left line (the line that normally appears when you get a positive result) was there, but the right line (the one that is always there regardless of the result) wasn't showing up. On the test itself and even on the box, that right line was always pictured. Maybe there has been some kind of mistake. I asked the Lord for help, texted G to tell him what happened, and called my mom, who then told me to call the doctor's office and ask them what I should do. I left a message on the nurse's answering machine, and waited for her to return my call.

Mom decided to come over so that I wouldn't be by myself, bringing more tests with her in case I felt like taking another one later. Maybe the first one was defective, or I was reading the result incorrectly. The nurse called back around lunchtime and told me to come in for a blood test. During this time, Mom had scoured the internet to see if she could find anything about the right line disappearing while the left line shows up. She read on one site that another lady experienced the same situation. That lady called the pregnancy test company to ask about her result, and they told her that her hormone levels were so high that it caused the right test line to disappear. Whether that happened to me or not, it eased my mind. The results of the first test came back the next day, and everything was fine. I was definitely pregnant, and all my levels were normal. I went on another day for a second blood test to make sure my hormone levels were increasing properly, and they were. So in hindsight, I feel a little silly for not just accepting my first positive pregnancy test. If I had not taken the second test, it would have prevented a lot of stress.

Last weekend was also stressful. My brother came to stay with us for a few days (which was great), and after service on Sunday, I went to the restroom and discovered that I had bled through all of my clothes. My heart sank a little and I thought, I'm having a miscarriage. I'm losing this baby too. In the midst of my concern, I remembered that God was still in control, and that He would take care of us. We quickly left the church and drove directly to the hospital. I spoke to my OBGYN on the way, and she gave me a brief list of things that could be happening, including miscarriage. She told me what to do, and what I could expect to happen when we arrived. We waited in the ER waiting room for 20-30 minutes, which really wasn't too bad. I knew that there was probably nothing that could be done, whether I was miscarrying or not, so I tried to relax and be patient. G took a few minutes to pray over me, which helped me a lot. We both thought I was probably miscarrying, and we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally to receive that information from a doctor. Not long after we were taken back to a room, a nurse took me to another room to have some ultrasounds done. I also had more blood drawn, and another nurse came in to check my blood pressure. After waiting a little longer, a doctor came in to discuss the results of the tests.

It turns out that I have something called a "subchorionic hemorrhage," which is when blood pools up in a pocket between the amniotic sac and the uterine wall. Apparently these types of hemorrhages are fairly common, and as long as they aren't too big, they won't cause any problems. Often, the body will reabsorb the blood, or the pocket will drain, which would result in bleeding. In some cases, depending on the size of the hemorrhage, it can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall (which can cause a miscarriage). Fortunately, the hemorrhage I have is very small, so the doctor said I had a "threatened miscarriage." I had another appointment with my OBGYN on Tuesday, which worked out perfectly since the hemorrhage would need to be monitored closely. Fortunately, we found out that the hemorrhage had decreased since I was in the hospital, so it looks like the problem will resolve itself. The best part of the appointment was getting to see our baby! Of course, it's so tiny right now that it doesn't look much like a baby, but we were excited to take home the first ultrasound picture.

Here's the first picture of our little blueberry!

The next appointment with my OBGYN as well as my first appointment with the perinatologist will be in January. January 15, 2015 was Addie's due date, so I know next month will probably be challenging for us. Thank you all for your prayers!

The Lord Gives

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

This verse was in a frame on a table at our wedding. We loved it at the time because it was so true of our situation. We had both waited on the Lord for a spouse, and that desire was being fulfilled at last. It has new meaning for me as I read it now, because I'm pregnant again!

On the Sunday before Thanksgiving, with G by my side, I stared at that positive pregnancy test and wept. I was happy, but I also felt relieved. Though we were open to whatever God had planned for us in this area, we both thought it would probably be a little while before I got pregnant again. Yet in His goodness, God has chosen to bless us with another child right away! Our hearts are so full. If you go by the book, I'm six weeks pregnant. But since I keep detailed charts because of NFP, I think I'm only at three and a half weeks. The official due date (for now) is July 2015.

When everything happened with Addie, our hopes for children were definitely delayed (though not destroyed, 2 Corinthians 4:9). I know there will be a lot of bittersweet moments in our future. Hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, finding out the sex, and giving birth (hopefully at the normal time) are all things that will make us think of Addie and remember what it was like to go through those things with her. She is always on my mind, especially when I think of what is to come with this baby. Whether we have many years ahead of us with this baby, or whether the Lord brings him or her home before we would like, we trust Him. He has proven His love to us over and over again, and although we don't know what He has planned for our future, we take comfort in the knowledge that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Hopefully I'll be able to start my pregnancy updates again soon!

"...The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

Postpartum Update: 6 Week Checkup

I don't know why, but I've been eager for my six week postpartum checkup to arrive so I could get it over with. Maybe I saw it as the last appointment that was connected to grief, though I know I'll always think of our Addie at every appointment for any future pregnancies. Or maybe this final postpartum appointment was the last page in this chapter of our lives for me, and I wanted to be able to turn it and move on to the next one. Regardless of why, I was ready to be done. As the day for the appointment drew closer, I researched what is typically done at the six week checkup so I knew what to expect. There would probably be an examination, maybe some blood work, and also discussion about the next step. As usual, I made a list of any questions I wanted to ask the midwife. There were only a couple of questions this time, and nothing very important - mostly about various herbal supplements I wanted to take. I felt great, and knew my body was pretty much back to normal.

Yesterday finally arrived, and G and I drove to the midwifery for my appointment. Mom had taken me to most of my prenatal appointments when Addie was still with us, so I wanted her to be there as well. We met up with her in the waiting room, and after a few minutes, we were taken to the examination room. I stepped out briefly to another room so they could get my weight and blood pressure. The last time I was in there, the lab tech didn't know about what had happened. This time it was obvious that she knew, based on the well-meaning looks of pity she gave me. She said she was sorry for our loss, and handed me a form to fill out. When I looked at it, I couldn't help but laugh internally, because it was basically a depression survey. It shouldn't be funny, I know, because there are many people who have a very difficult time after they lose a baby. But by the grace of God, G and I are doing great, so I answered all of the questions positively.

When I was finished, the lab tech told me I could return to the examination room. I stepped across the hall to where G and Mom were, and waited for the midwife to see me. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was used to this, because there was usually a long wait, and I know it's probably like that whether you see a midwife or a normal OBGYN. However, after an hour of waiting with no sign of the midwife, I began to feel frustrated. The walls are not well insulated between each examination room, and I could just barely hear the doppler one room over as a midwife looked for the heartbeat of a pregnant woman's baby. I heard the steady thumping of what I hope was a very healthy heartbeat, and smiled as I remembered hearing Addie's for the first time. After listening to inaudible talking from the other rooms for a little while with our wait time pushing an hour and a half, the pity party began. I guess you're only a priority here if you're actually pregnant, I said to myself. As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew it was foolish. Selfish. Untrue. I asked the Lord to help me keep a good attitude. Then the midwife knocked at the door. She came in, sat down, asked me if my period had returned, and then told me I was good to go. That's it? No examination? We waited this long, just for the midwife to spend five seconds telling me I'm "fine?" I knew I was fine, but I expected more from this last appointment than that. I just lost a baby, after all. Surely they're supposed to do more than just ask me a couple of questions. At this point, I felt myself starting to get agitated, so I politely requested she examine me, which she agreed to do. She finished the examination - which was very quick - and restated that I was fine, then spent the next five minutes telling me things I already knew; things they had told me at my previous appointment. We left without having to make another appointment for anything, which was fine with me, since I am going with a different doctor and hospital if I get pregnant again.

We hit traffic on the way back, so G and I spent the remainder of our trip home discussing the appointment. He reminded me that I originally went with the midwives because they didn't do a ton of unnecessary examinations or medical interventions, so we probably should have known this appointment wouldn't be any different. He was right, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like more should have been done. I am happy though, because we've been given the green light to have another baby as soon as we want to (which for us, is right away). There's no second baby yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!

To my surprise, I felt relieved to leave the midwifery (and the hospital they worked out of) behind for good. The midwives had been great until Addie arrived, and I liked everyone there, but I'm glad that everything will be different (hopefully in a good way) if I conceive again. Although I wasn't as satisfied with my last appointment, I do feel even more peace about the situation, and about the direction I feel the Lord is leading us for if there is a next time. I'm hoping, praying, and believing that there will be! All that G and I want is for God's will to be accomplished in our lives, and we will follow Jesus wherever He may lead.

Other than being a little disappointed with how my appointment went, life has been good. The last few weeks have been spent researching different hospitals and doctors, because I want to have all of those decisions figured out in case I get pregnant again quickly. G and I went on a hospital tour (which is apparently an unusual thing to do when you aren't pregnant, but we're both planners), and I made an appointment with a different OBGYN (who actually goes to our church) so I can ask her the many questions I have compiled about what I can and can't do or opt out of for my next pregnancy. The appointment isn't until January, but it's scheduled, so I don't have to think about it for a while. I've also started helping out at our church a couple of days a week, and I've returned to the women's Bible study I stepped out of for a while.

Being the only person in a study on parenting without a child (at least on this earth) isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love to see the women with their babies, and hear about what each of them are experiencing with their children each week. Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about how I won't get to experience the ups and downs of parenting Adelyn, but then I remember where she is and Who she's with, and I am comforted again. More than one woman has reached out to me and told me they were praying for us, or that they read my blog and had something from our experience resonate with them. It amazes me how many people God has encouraged through the story of our baby girl. Things don't always go the way we expect (like my postpartum appointment), but God is never surprised, and He's always in control. I know He's not finished using her or us, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for our future.

Me and G a few days before our anniversary.

The days are turning cold now, but our hearts are warm. Before everything with Addie, I often wished that I could feel God's presence more clearly and love Him more deeply than I did before. Now I sense Him with us constantly in the most powerful way, and I feel like I could burst with love and gratitude for Jesus. Every day is a new and glorious gift from Him, unique with its own beauties and challenges. Sometimes there is sadness, but there is joy all of the time. And through Adelyn's precious life, He has reminded us how fleeting our own lives are. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we try to make the most of each day He gives us. I cherish my family and friends in ways that I didn't before, and I don't take any time I get with them for granted. God has blessed us so much, and He has proven His faithfulness and love to us over and over.

Get to know Him. Walk with Him. Trust Him in all things. I know I am young, but if I've learned anything in the 24 years that I've been on this earth, it's that Jesus is worth trusting. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. And when you place your life in His hands, nothing - not even death - will separate you from His unending love.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: 4 Weeks After Addie

Four weeks.

Has it really been four weeks since everything happened with Addie? As strange as it sounds, it seems like years have passed instead of weeks. Actually, most of the time it feels like it didn't happen at all; that it was just a dream I had, or something I saw in a movie or read in a book. I think, "Surely that happened to someone else." But then I see the box with her things, or the candle that my sister-in-law decorated with her name on it, or the dishes that recently held a warm dinner from thoughtful friends waiting to be returned, and I am reminded that it really did happen - and it happened to us. Then I close my eyes and I can replay with perfect detail the moments when she would start kicking. I remember what it felt like, and how it made me feel. I remember her perfect, doll-like face that looked so peaceful and beautiful. That was our baby. Then my mind will move from the pleasant memories to the more painful ones; the awful back labor, waiting for what felt like an eternity for the nurse to come in when G called her and said Addie was coming out, and the look of surprise when she finally did arrive and discovered that I was right. I remember being unable to react emotionally to seeing my husband and our families weep and mourn. And I remember G and I alone in the delivery room with Addie as we kissed and hugged her, and said our tearful goodbyes.

It's weird to think that if she had lived, she would already be four weeks old (and a month old on Sunday). I'm not naive enough to think that every year on her birthday, every holiday, and every 23rd week of any future pregnancies won't be spent thinking of her and wondering what she would have been like. Would she have liked ruffles, lace, and tea parties, or would she have preferred to climb trees, play paintball, or catch bugs? I liked all of it, so maybe she would have been like me. Or maybe she would have been like G, liking to build things, move around, and work on cars.

Things aren't as gloomy as they seem, though. I truly can write all of this with a light heart! There are things I won't get to experience with Addie, but I don't feel as though I have been robbed. She was God's before I ever knew she existed, and you can't steal something that already belongs to you. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on the life she could have had. Yes, I will wonder what if from time to time. But God is always good, and He knows what is best. Job 14:5 says that the number of months and days are determined by God, and that He has set limits on our lives that we cannot pass. Addie's life wasn't wasted, nor do I believe it was cut short. She lived exactly as long as she was supposed to, and every second of her life glorified God. I want the same to be said about me someday.

Physically, I think I'm back to the way I was before I was pregnant. Until week 3 postpartum, I didn't notice anything weird with my hormones. Then came the smell...the kind of smelly smell that smells smelly. I would get a whiff of myself and think, "Gross. I just showered! I shouldn't smell like this!" Fortunately it was only temporary, and now I don't have to put on my husband's deodorant or walk around with my arms pinned to my side all day like a penguin. I also noticed more of my hair would fall out if I brushed it. It's not like it was coming out in clumps or anything, but there were definitely more loose strands when I would wash or style it. I think it's almost back to normal, though. Emotionally, G and I are both doing extremely well. I know some people will just say that because they don't want people to know how much they are struggling, but I promise that I'm being honest! I have been a little grouchier this week, and would get agitated about little things for no reason, but I think that it is just the hormones (which seem to be leveling out now). Most of the time I feel perfectly normal.

I think I am going to check out different hospitals and doctors if I get pregnant again, so I've been compiling a list of questions to ask them. Though I really did love the midwives that I went to with Addie, I want to see what my options are. Right now, I'm wrestling with the question of whether or not it's worth me having to use that hospital again (which I did not like) so I can use the same midwives (who I liked a whole lot), or if it would be best for me to go elsewhere. G and I are open to whatever the Lord has planned for our future (whether that means I get pregnant again quickly or not), so there is no time like the present to be thinking about these things. I have another postpartum checkup on the 30th, so I will probably have more information to work with after that.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. They keep us going when we have hard days, and feed our hope in the fact that God is working all things together for our good and His glory.

"Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established." -Proverbs 4:25-26

Postnatal Update: First Checkup

Before I was discharged from the hospital, the midwife told me I would need to come in after a few weeks for a postnatal checkup. I was already scheduled to come today for my glucose test, so she said I could keep the same appointment date. Yesterday afternoon, I called the midwifery to confirm my appointment and double-check the time, only to find out that it had been cancelled by someone in the office. After giving some information about my situation, they rescheduled my appointment for the same time.

We (G, Mom, and I) went to the appointment today, and I noticed right away that the ladies on staff didn't seem to understand what had happened. Part of the checkup routine is to get my weight, blood pressure, and a urine sample, and while they were getting my blood pressure, one of the ladies asked me some standard questions. When she asked if I was nursing, I was certain that there had been a drop in communication somewhere about my time in the hospital. The question didn't offend or upset me, and I didn't want to make her feel bad by explaining the situation, so I just answered "no ma'am." She then asked if I'd given birth to a boy, and when I said the baby was a girl, she congratulated me. Again, this wasn't offensive to me at all. Personally, I feel congratulations are very appropriate. I am, after all, a mother now; even if I didn't get to take Addie home.

The three of us waited in a room for the doctor for a while, and when she came in, she asked me to tell her what happened from the beginning. I recounted our story as best as I could, and explained that we had come to this appointment in the hope of getting some answers that the hospital was either unable or unwilling to give us. We also were hoping to get some direction on what our next step should be. When we finished our account, she apologized once again for the confusion, and informed us that it was unacceptable. She then asked about the test results for the placenta, and I told her we were not told anything about that (plus, I didn't even know testing was part of the procedure), and she said she would go and check my file.

While she was gone, the midwife who saw me at the hospital came in and spoke with us. She asked how I was, and she seemed uncertain when I told her I was doing very well. I guess she thinks I'm still in shock or something, because I know how strange it must be to see someone act calm and normal after going through what we've been through. Anyway, we discussed my symptoms and then she gave her professional opinion about the situation with Addie. She felt confident that there had been nothing wrong with me or my sweet girl, and that the only reason that made sense in her mind for why any of this happened was that I may have an incompetent cervix. I had never heard of such a thing before Addie's passing, at which point G's brother mentioned it to us as a possibility. If that were the cause, it simply means that my cervical muscle is weak, and that it couldn't handle Addie's increasing weight. Because my contractions became painful after I was fully (or mostly) dilated, the midwife believed that the weight of the amniotic sac and fluid combined with Addie's weight caused my cervix to dilate prematurely, which is likely what caused the contractions to start. To prevent this from happening in the future, a perinatal specialist would cinch my cervix shut with a special knot in week 14 of my next pregnancy. This is called a cervical cerclage, and it would remain in place until I reached 36 weeks, at which point the knot would be cut to allow the pregnancy and labor to progress naturally. The doctor came back after a little while, and she informed us that the results of the placenta test were normal, and that there had been no indications of infection or other issues that could have caused early separation. Then she also mentioned the cervical cerclage as a good option, and left us again with the midwife. After answering any remaining questions we had, the appointment came to an end, and we headed home.

It's a relief to know that there were no other medical issues, and that - as I already believed - there had been nothing wrong with Adelyn or with me. My instincts, as far as anyone can tell, were correct. A small part of me felt sad today at the thought that Addie's situation could have possibly been prevented (if only in theory) with a cerclage, but I believe that if God's will had been for her to live, He would have allowed her to live. Logically, I know that even if I had heard about a cervical cerclage beforehand, there would have been no reason for anyone to believe I needed one. You can't test for an incompetent cervix, after all. And before anyone starts to worry about me, I do know that I am not to blame, so I don't feel any guilt. I just really miss my baby.

This week has been pretty good for me. I did have a hard day yesterday, though. I spent a lot of time driving in traffic, which made me really tired. When I get tired, I get emotional, so I cried off and on a lot for the remainder of the day. Then, last night, I suddenly felt frustrated over the lack of concern that I was shown by the hospital staff (not the midwife or midwifery, since the hospital took over after we learned about my condition). It hasn't bothered me for almost two weeks, and then for some reason, it suddenly did. It was all emotion though, because I know that even if they had been really encouraging, informative, and attentive, it wouldn't have changed what happened. What I felt was fleeting though, and likely caused by postpartum hormones, because I was my normal self today.

It has started to sink in that this is our life now. Every year, as long as we live, we will celebrate her birthday without her. Every year, both on G's birthday and hers, we will replay everything that happened - from the contractions to kissing her goodbye after we were discharged - in our heads. It's not nice, and it won't always feel good, but it is good because God is good. He hasn't left us on our own, and He never will. It won't always hurt either, and it doesn't most of the time anyway (at least for me). Most of the time, the memories of sweet Addie Jane bring us happiness. But on the days that it does hurt, we can cling to the hope of a glorious reunion and spending eternity in the presence of Christ together.

"To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." -2 Peter 3:18

Postpartum Update: One Week After Addie

It's strange to think that a week ago yesterday, our little girl had gone to be with the Lord and we were waiting to be discharged from the hospital. It both feels like something that happened years ago and like something that happened yesterday. I'm not sure how it's possible to feel both things simultaneously, but somehow it is.

G went back to work on Tuesday, and has gone every day this week since then. He didn't stay as long each day as he normally does, but his bosses graciously told him to stay home as much as he needed to. It helps him to have work as a distraction, and whenever he starts to feel sad, he comes home. I've had family and friends visit every day, which eases G's mind because he doesn't have to feel badly about leaving me at home by myself. My only real need has been for company, and God has met that need this week. I know eventually I will have to be on my own for most of the day, but it's been nice to be surrounded by people this week who love me while Hubby is at work. My mother in law took me to Home Depot on Wednesday, and we got all kinds of flowers. That afternoon, she and I (along with G) replanted some pots that were on our porch, planted a container she had given G for his birthday, and made a bed of pansies beside the driveway. There is something therapeutic about gardening, and it was so nice to spend time with her.

While G has usually felt most solemn in the afternoon, I've felt my saddest in the evening - probably because I start to get tired. Although we've both had our emotional moments this week (which were amazingly few and far between), we are doing surprisingly well. I can only attribute this to the mercy and grace of God, because if we didn't have this supernatural sense of peace and joy, I don't know how we would make it. I honestly don't know how anybody can go through anything remotely difficult without Jesus.

I got this picture in an email after the "salad in the shirt" incident.

Physically, I'm doing very well also. My chest and abdomen no longer hurt, and it seems like my body is going back to normal. I tire out easily, so I am getting as much rest as I can. Emotionally, I am very well also. I've found that I will often resort to humor when I am dealing with grief, which usually includes lots of facetious comments and "too soon" jokes. G isn't bothered by them at all (thank goodness), but I will probably keep them to myself so that they don't upset other people! I have also been remembering humorous things that have happened at various points since we went to the hospital, such as hearing Dad's ringtone just as we were getting the bad news, and accidentally using lettuce leaves as a natural ice pack instead of cabbage leaves (which I jokingly called "salad").

Most of the time, everything seems normal. I haven't forgotten Addie in the least, and in the rare moment that her little face does slip from my mind, it quickly returns. It's something I remember with happiness, rather than the deep sadness and grief I expected to feel. As I said before, there are sad moments from time to time, but they are brief and uncommon. It was a blessing and a privilege to have her in our lives for as long as we did. The hardest part for us has been seeing the obvious discomfort or awkwardness displayed by others. It's as if some people are holding us at arms' length, or putting a wall up in their hearts. I know we all deal with grief differently, and I can't expect them to act normally if things don't feel normal for them in the way that they do for us. However, it does make it harder. We really are doing well, and we can talk about all that has happened (or not talk about it, if they prefer) with anyone. Feel free to ask us questions about any part of this experience, and know that it's okay to show emotion. We can handle that just fine, but please don't push us away, because we're here for you as you are here for us. You don't have to say or do anything else.

G and I have been surprised by how easy this burden is for us to bear, and I'm reminded of Jesus's words in Matthew 11:29-30:

"All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

He truly has replaced our heavy burdens with light ones. Things that I thought would be hard have not been a problem at all. I walk by the crib we bought pretty much every day, and it doesn't bother me. I see the bag of baby clothes from family members and am happy because I know that they'll be put to use someday - whether by me or someone else. I see the box that holds Addie's ultrasound photos, her foot and hand prints, and the extra outfit that came with the doll clothes my mother bought to bury her in, and it only makes me smile. Other people have had babies and posted pictures of their sweet children on Facebook, and I can genuinely celebrate alongside them without sorrow. 

Some sweet friends brought us dinner last night and we ate, laughed, talked, and teared up together. They have a new baby, and when they originally asked to bring us food, I encouraged them to stay and enjoy it with us and to bring their sweet little girl. Though I knew I wouldn't have any problems mentally with having a little baby around, I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally. I did react, just not in the way I expected to. Seeing her sweet face and marveling at how tiny Addie was in comparison warmed my heart. After dinner, I even had the honor of holding her in my arms. In that moment my heart felt so light! She was nothing like my baby (though still absolutely perfect, sweet, and beautiful), but holding her brought an incredible healing. It was refreshing both to my arms that had felt empty and to my soul. Every time G would look at her, she would break out into the most adorable smile. Babies truly are a balm. God used that baby's parents to heal us as well, because their love for us and their friendship was so evident in our time together. We are truly blessed to have them (and all of you) in our lives.

On Thursday, we will head to the midwifery for my first postnatal appointment. Mom is going with us, and I'm sure we will all have lots of questions to ask the midwife. I don't need to know how or why this happened to us because God has given me His peace, but if they have any insights that would be valuable to share, I would certainly like to hear them. This appointment will be the first of many steps forward into an uncertain (yet hopeful) future. If it comes to your mind that day, please keep us in your prayers. 

"Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith in accordance with what is written, I believed, therefore I spoke, we also believe, and therefore speak, knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and present us with you. For all this is because of you, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to overflow to God's glory. Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if our earthly house, a tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 4:7-5:1

Postpartum Update: Adelyn's Memorial

I'm tired, but my heart is so full. We laid our Addie Jane to rest today beside the lake at the church where G and I met and married. The sun shone so brightly and beautifully, and a cool breeze blew through the grass and trees. I can't remember a more lovely and peaceful day.

We sat in front of her little white casket, surrounded by family and close friends. There was a simple arrangement of white roses on top, along with the tiny little shoes (which ended up being far too big) that we bought the day we found out she was a girl. It was the only thing we had bought for her, and it just didn't seem right for any other little girl to wear them. The service was perfect; everything pointed to Jesus, and the hope that He gives in times of trouble. We laughed and cried, and were greatly blessed by all of the kind words that were spoken. Then we sang "Jesus Loves Me" in unison, and there was a great sense of sacredness as our voices echoed across the graveyard. Pastor closed in prayer, and as soon as he finished, I felt an incredible calm. It was as if a door had closed in my heart - in a good way - and my soul felt rest.

Lunch was served in the same room we used for our wedding reception almost two years ago, and I was struck by how much can change in such a short amount of time. It was a day not unlike today; warm, sunny, and beautiful. We could never have imagined that we would be back here just before our second anniversary to bury our first child. Although it isn't what we thought our life would be like when we would dream about our future, we are choosing to trust God and go wherever He may lead us. His plans are always best, even when it doesn't seem like it.

Just a little while ago, G put it perfectly when he said that it was as if we've crossed a bridge in our lives and can move on down the path. We can't know how many bridges we have left to cross, but we are confident that God will be right there crossing them with us. Thank you all for your prayers, your emails, and your words of encouragement. They have meant more to us than you could ever know. It has been an honor to hear your stories of love and loss, and I am humbled by those of you who shared them with me. May we together move forward from wherever we have been with confidence and faith, trusting in God to lead the way.

"...In all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: Two Days After Addie

It's hard to believe that it has already been two days since we said goodbye to our Addie and came back home. Family members from both sides came to visit us on Friday evening, and provided us with a much-needed distraction from the trials of the day. When we were by ourselves, I collected my thoughts and wrote my previous post. It just seemed like a fitting way to end the day, and the most convenient way to inform a large group of family and friends about what had happened all at once. We were in bed a little after 9:00, and we slept hard for a good ten hours. I lay in bed the next morning for a little while, and my mind went back to Adelyn. It was strange to think that she wasn't tucked safely inside of me anymore. G held me as I cried about it, and we talked for a while. We were grieving, but we both knew that feeling sad, weeping, and hurting are just part of the process.

The rest of Saturday went surprisingly well. Both of us were able to talk about things as they came to our minds without much difficulty, and a sweet friend visited and spent a few hours with us. G fixed a couple of our dining chairs that he had been meaning to repair for a while, mostly because it was something easy to do. I think projects (especially for him) can aid in the healing process. Anyway, we decided to turn in early again last night, hoping we would get another restful sleep. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

At 10:15, we turned out the lights, prayed together, and tried to go to sleep. That's when my brain turned on. For the first time, I felt a little angry; not at God, or the midwife, or anyone really. But I had noticed something unusual taking place throughout the day that I wasn't okay with. My stomach was almost completely flat. I could even see outlines of my abs, and I don't say that proudly. I was deeply insulted that only a day after I said goodbye to my sweet baby, that most every sign of that bump I treasured so much had already disappeared. My body was moving on, and quickly, whether I was ready for it to or not. As I lay in bed feeling frustrated by this, I happened to notice the time. It was after 10:00pm, and that is when Addie was usually her most active. She would normally be kicking up a storm around now, sometimes kicking until 11:30pm every single night. Hubby and I had spent many evenings in bed feeling her move and laughing as he would tap on my stomach and she would kick in response. Now there was nothing. No movement, no sign of life because there wasn't one in there anymore. Then I realized that, although God could bless us with another little baby in the future who would probably kick and wiggle just as much as Addie did, I would never feel her kicks again. At this moment, while these thoughts were running through my mind, G whispered into the darkness.

"I miss her kicking me in the back."

That's all he said, and I realized the occasional sniff I had heard from him wasn't related to a stuffy nose, but because he was feeling the pain of her absence at the very moment I was. You see, the morning of G's birthday, I had snuggled up to him and Addie had decided it would be the perfect moment to start thrashing against his back. He felt her kicks, and we laughed about how cute it was, and how it was like she was telling him Happy Birthday in her own way. We didn't know that we would make a trip to the hospital later that night or that our lives were about to change forever. That was the only time she had kicked him in the back, and it wouldn't happen again. A tidal wave of sorrow washed over me, and we clung to one another, weeping over our loss. After the tears stopped, we spent a few minutes smiling over those memories that had just made us cry. It was a sweet moment. Not long after the quiet returned, my chest began to hurt (something I have been expecting) and I felt some mild uterine cramping (also expected), so I took some Tylenol and got back in bed. I thought sleep would come then, but it would be a long time before either of us finally drifted off.

This morning was the hardest day (at least for me) so far. Part of it was the lack of sleep, I'm sure, as well as the pain in my chest and abdomen. We got up because we had decided yesterday that we needed to go to church. If we had to leave because we couldn't handle it, then we would, but we both wanted to go. I brushed my hair and put on just enough makeup to make myself presentable, and ate a little breakfast that my Honey had fixed for me. I wasn't hungry; in fact, I haven't had much of an appetite since Thursday, but I've been trying to eat whenever I can. It was a quiet, solemn morning for us. I knew I would probably cry at some point, and I barely made it into my seat at church before breaking down. The worship songs that they sang were perfect reminders of the love of Christ, and we left service feeling refreshed in our spirits.

We took it easy for the next few hours after we got back home. At one point, I was laying on the couch texting my brother and was struck suddenly by grief. G happened to come back in at that moment, and he told me it was okay for me to let it out. So I did. I sobbed and mourned for a few minutes, and felt much better afterward. There were lots of moments today where I would be perfectly fine, and then - out of nowhere - be overwhelmed with emotion. It's just part of it, though. It's healthy, and it's okay.

The sunshine has been absolutely brilliant over the last two days. We went outside this afternoon and I sat on the porch while Hubby trimmed some bushes. I watched him work, and realized that God is pruning us in the same way. It doesn't feel good when He removes the parts of us that are ugly or growing the wrong way. We may even feel like there aren't many "branches" left on us, or that we look kind of pitiful and sad, but when the new growth comes in, it's more beautiful than ever.

I don't know why God allowed all of this to happen with Addie, and I may never know. I do know that He is in control, that He is good, and He knows all things and sees every angle in any given situation. I also know that without Jesus Christ, there is absolutely no way I could handle this. None. It shouldn't be possible for me to function. I shouldn't be doing as well as I am. There is no way I could accept my little girl's death, or have hope in the midst of the sorrow. It's all because of Jesus, guys. In such a short time, He has worked and moved in the mightiest of ways that I never could have imagined. When I went to bed last night, this blog had almost 5,000 views in one day (a huge difference from it's usual one or two). Adelyn was only alive on this earth for an hour at most, yet God is using her tiny, sweet, brief life to reach people who are desperate for hope and love. I couldn't be more humbled by this.

Some people have called us brave. But if we're brave, it's not because of who we are, but because of Who we know. Why doesn't it destroy us to lose our baby girl? Jesus. Why can we face death and an uncertain future without fear? Jesus. Why can I wake up every morning with all of the memories of what were and thoughts of what could have been without spiraling into severe depression? Jesus. Why can we smile a true and genuine smile in spite of all this heartache? Jesus. How can I possibly take on the heavy task of laying our girl to rest tomorrow? Jesus. He is what makes all of this possible. He's the rock we cling to as our breath is knocked out of us. He's our hope for a brighter tomorrow. He's our strength when we're weak. He is our joy, our help, our life. If you turn your heart to Him as a result of this situation, whoever you are and wherever you've come from, then our suffering is not in vain. Our heart's desire is that you find peace, love, hope, forgiveness, healing, and rest in Him. He's the source. He's the only way.

"This is the message of faith that we proclaim: if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. With the heart one believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth one confesses, resulting in salvation. Now the Scripture says, No one who believes on Him will be put to shame, for there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, since the same Lord of all is rich to all who call on Him. For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." -Romans 10:8-13

Pregnancy Update: 23 Weeks - Say Hello (and Goodbye) to Adelyn Jane

23 weeks!

I had written yesterday's update and all I needed to do was post my 23 week picture, but the day took an unexpected turn. It was Hubby's birthday, and we planned to go out and eat dinner and walk around a few stores at the mall. While he was at work, I experienced what I thought was a Braxton Hicks contraction. All of my researching had taught me that although it's most normal to get them during the third trimester, many women start feeling them in the second. Typically, they are few and far between, and very irregular. Well, after confirming with my mom the suspicions I had about the contractions, I told her I would call the midwife if I felt anymore throughout the day. 

Other than feeling a little tight (but not feeling noticeable tightening), I felt fine, so I went about my afternoon. While I was styling my hair and makeup, I felt several more contractions that were close together. As time went by, the contractions continued. Sometimes there would be three or four in the span of four minutes, and other times ten, fifteen, or even twenty minutes would go by before the next one would start. They were very irregular in their occurrence, though I never went more than thirty or forty-five minutes without feeling something. When G got home, I told him about the contractions, and he recommended I call my midwife and ask for advice. They told me not to exercise for a few days (because I mentioned doing a new low-intensity exercise DVD that morning), and recommended that I take it easy. She felt that as long as I didn't start having contractions at regular, timeable intervals, I was probably okay.

With this in mind, G and I headed out and went to a Restoration Hardware store to look around for a few minutes before going to dinner. From the time I finished getting ready to the time we got home after eating, I had consistent (although irregular) contractions. Again, I had read that some women even had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions in the second trimester without anything being wrong. But we decided to play it safe and call my brother-in-law, who is a doctor, and ask for his advice. He recommended going to the emergency room to make sure nothing was wrong, and after waiting to see if I had more contractions (and I did), we called the midwife and she told us to come in.

Honestly, I didn't think it was going to be a big deal. My contractions weren't painful, just uncomfortable. Yet the closer we got to the hospital, the more they went beyond being "just uncomfortable." After getting set up in a temporary room, the midwife joined us and did a quick examination. When she was through, I could tell by the expression on her face that something wasn't okay. She said the amniotic sac was pushing through into the vaginal canal, and that my cervix looked like it was completely (or almost completely) dilated. The contractions, she said, were actual labor contractions (in spite of their irregularity), and that I would have to stay in the hospital for at least a week without delivering before Baby Girl's chances of survival would increase. A specialist came in and went over the different scenarios, both for if I managed not to deliver in 36 hours and also for if I did. G and I agreed that we would do whatever we possibly could to save her, even if it meant being in the hospital for a long time. The specialist informed us about the reality of our situation; that if our baby lived, there was a high percentage she would be heavily mentally impaired, possibly blind, and possibly never able to walk. Fortunately none of this scared me, because I know a God who isn't bound by human statistics, no matter how "accurate" they are. I knew without a doubt that if it were His will, He could and would give us a healthy baby girl.

They moved me to a normal delivery room (and thank goodness, a more comfortable bed) and I felt my contractions starting to increase both in regularity and intensity. Then the back labor started. The nurses had angled my bed so that my head was lower than my feet, in an attempt to use gravity to encourage the amniotic sac back into the uterus. Unfortunately, this put more pressure on my back and whenever I would have a contraction, my back would start hurting severely. The contractions themselves weren't comfortable either, and even got fairly painful after a while, but the back labor made it so much worse. I'm not sure how much time passed while I was experiencing this, but the nurses finally gave me pain medicine and a sleep aid with the intent of stopping my labor and contractions. I did eventually fall asleep for a while, and the contractions stopped (or I didn't notice them because of the pain medicine). I woke up a little while later when my water broke. About thirty minutes later - at 3:45am - we welcomed to the world our sweet girl, Adelyn Jane. She was smaller than they expected, though I'm certain my due date was accurate within a couple of days, so I think she was just a petite little baby. She was too early to remain with us for long, and God graciously gave us one hour with her. We loved her and held her as much as we could. 

Addie was so beautiful, guys. She was really tiny, but every part of her looked perfect. She had the sweetest little lips, chin, and nose. While she was with us, she had just the faintest little hint of a smile on her face. It was absolutely precious! Even after she went home to be with the Lord, she was still exquisite. Her features were so dainty and smooth that she looked like a baby doll. A few hours later, both of our parents and my brother made it to the hospital. They were all able to spend as much time as they wanted holding her and admiring her sweet face. It was a special time, filled with both joy and grief. And that "peace that passes understanding," the same peace that filled me when my dear friend Katie died unexpectedly? I felt it so much more strongly today; so much so, that I didn't even feel any sorrow until we were discharged this afternoon. 

Before we left the hospital (G's parents left a few hours earlier), we all got to say special goodbyes to Adelyn. My mom, dad, and brother said theirs first, then Hubby and I had a moment alone with her to say goodbye. We would leave her behind at the hospital, where someone would be picking her up to take her to a cousin who is a mortician. She offered to personally oversee the preparations for the private memorial service we are having for her on Monday, and it eases my mind so much to know that she's being cared for by family.

Even though I felt pretty great physically, I opted to let the nurse take me to our vehicle (which Dad offered to drive home for us) in a wheel chair. Each step we took away from that room increased an ache that my heart had begun to feel. If things had been different, she would be coming home with us. We wouldn't be leaving her behind. Yet I take comfort (and have taken comfort over the last 24 hours) in this passage from Job:

"The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

This has been a very difficult year for me, but I know it's been hard for pretty much everyone. This is yet another of the many struggles I am told in Scripture I will face as a Christian, yet none of them are in vain if I turn my heart to Christ.

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

If you are going through a difficult time, know that you can find peace and strength to move forward in Jesus Christ. Without Christ, there is no way I could accept something so traumatizing as the death of my sweet child. Without Christ there is no purpose for my pain, no rainbow after the storm. Without Christ, there is no hope for a better tomorrow or a glorious reunion in eternity after death. If you don't know Him, just sit and read through the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John in the Bible. Turn your hearts to Him and find that peace that transcends understanding or comprehension. 

Until we meet again, Addie Jane...I love you.

Pregnancy Update: 22 Weeks

22 weeks!

Even though it has only been two weeks since we found out we were having a girl, I already feel so much closer to her. It's amazing how something as simple as learning the sex of our baby can make such a huge difference in how I feel about and relate to my unborn child. She has a name now (which we're keeping a secret until she's born), and we call her by it when we're talking to or about her at home. In a relatively short amount of time, G and I both have grown to love her so much. Mom was able to feel her kick for the first time this week, also!

There isn't a lot of new information for this week's post, except that I did make a phone call to the midwife just to double check a minor symptom I was having. As I thought, it was completely normal and there was nothing to be concerned about. Other than that, everything is going well with the pregnancy!

The Spiritual Parenting book I've been reading by Michelle Anthony has really been kicking my butt (in a good way). It is so deep and good, and is completely changing my perspective both in how I plan to parent our little girl, and how I view my own relationship with Christ. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to use this study to work in my life.

Pregnancy Update: Week 21

This update is a little late, because G and I were in Destin with family all last week. It was such a wonderful trip! We both really needed to get away for a little while and recharge (especially the Hubby, because he's been working so hard lately).

21 weeks!

Baby Girl's movement picked up significantly while we were at the beach, which makes us think she's going to be a beach lover just like we are! Every day was filled with very strong movement, sometimes startling me because I was sure she would come busting out through my stomach at any moment. Both my aunt and uncle were able to feel her move, which was really cool. She's also started doing this really weird (yet awesome) thing where some part of her is really far forward and to one side, so that when I look down at my stomach, there is very obviously a baby part bulging out. It usually feels really hard when I put my hand there, and sometimes she starts wiggling as a result of the pressure.


Yesterday afternoon, I put on some music while G was working in the house. Not long after it started, Baby Girl began moving like crazy! She must have really liked what I was playing, and maybe that means we have a future piano player or ballet dancer. It was such a neat experience.

Women's Bible Study has started back up again at our church, and we're going through Spiritual Parenting by Michelle Anthony. Despite being one chapter into it, I'm already being challenged in a big way. Hubby and I read it together on vacation, and it really made me reevaluate how I've planned to parent until now. If you're a parent or grandparent (or will be soon), I highly recommend that book.

In other news, I'm pretty sure Baby Girl likes ice cream.

Pregnancy Update: Week 20 - It's A...

20 weeks!

It boggles my mind that I am half-way through this pregnancy already! Time really has flown by (though I fully expect it to slow down in the last month). It's amazing how quickly your life can change.

Today was THE day; the long-awaited day on which we would find out the sex of our sweet little one! G and I were pretty confident it was a boy. For some reason, it just "felt" like a boy. So what if you can't actually "feel" the sex of the baby? Anyway, I had been so certain this entire week that it was a boy, when last night, all of a sudden, I no longer felt sure. What if it wasn't a boy? What if it was a girl? Even before I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would love our baby regardless of the sex. I don't think one sex is better, or even easier, than the other. Yet I did like the idea of having a little boy first, both because he would be the "firstborn son" in every way, and he could play protecter to other children we hope to have down the road. Plus, my husband's family is notorious for having boys first (if any girls enter the picture at all)! On my dad's side of the family, I was born first, and so was my cousin. We're both big sisters to our younger brothers. For this reason, I knew it could go either way for our baby.

All morning long, I was so excited and wound up. I ate a little for breakfast, but had no appetite until after the ultrasound appointment and prenatal checkup. I picked up Hubby about thirty minutes before the appointment, and we were off. As you can imagine, everything seemed to take a long time. When we got to the appointment, we had to wait a bit before we were called back for the ultrasound. Then, we had to wait even longer (and mostly in silence) for the ultrasound technician to take measurements of the baby and get the necessary photos. Because of how the room was laid out, I wasn't able to see the screen at first (though G got to watch while the technician worked). Finally, when it was time to learn the sex of the baby, she turned the screen around so I could see it and asked my husband to come closer to me. She went through each of our concerns, and said the baby looked healthy. I watched the screen as she spoke, and suddenly felt overwhelmed. That was our baby! When I found out about the pregnancy, I didn't cry. When I heard the heartbeat for the first time, there still were no tears. But when I saw my baby on that screen, a rush of emotion hit me, and I finally cried. They were tears of joy, of course! Then the moment we had been waiting for arrived, and the technician told us the news: It's a GIRL! G and I both were in shock! We couldn't be happier though (and aren't a bit disappointed about it not being a boy), and now I can get excited about little bows, ruffles, and frilly things.

Anyway, by the time we got home, I was hungry and exhausted. It's amazing how much energy it takes to be so excited! I ate a small meal, then proceeded to finish calling family members (which G and I started doing in the car on the way home) to tell them the news. What a day!

Our little baby girl!

Hubby and I decided to eat dinner out tonight, and then we went to BabiesRUs to pick out something girly. We settled on a cute pair of baby shoes, which is our first gender-specific purchase! Mom had the same idea, and also went out to get some girly baby things. This little girl is already so loved, and we won't meet her face to face for 20-ish more weeks!

The first of many girly things!

In other news, I've eaten a lot of red meat this week, which is a great source of iron but it made me sluggish and uncomfortable. My belly is continuing to grow and stretch, and I've had some occasional muscle pain. It isn't severe, but it makes getting around and sitting still rather unpleasant sometimes. It takes me a little while to fall asleep at night now, even when I'm tired after a busy day. At my last prenatal checkup, the midwife told me that my Vitamin D was just a little low, and this time they recommended taking a supplement to ensure that it stays within the normal range. That's everything I can think of for now! Thank you, Lord, for a healthy baby girl!

Pregnancy Update: 19 Weeks

So it begins. 

I haven't rested as well over the last few nights, partly because we got in bed late a few times after working on house projects, and partly because I kept feeling the baby move. Until now, I've only really felt him or her squirming when I laid on my stomach. Because I'm getting bigger, it's no longer easy (or comfortable) for me to lay that way. Now if I want to lay on my stomach, I have to sort of angle my belly so that I'm not putting my weight straight down on top of it. Typically, I alternate laying on my left and right side though, since that seems to be the most comfortable position to lay in now. Last night, I got up at least five times - no joke - to go to the bathroom (without drinking anything in between visits, so I don't know where all of that liquid is being stored), and the baby was very active. As frustrating as it is to not get much sleep, I wouldn't trade those baby wiggles for anything! I also felt a lot of movement when I was sitting on the couch a couple of days ago. I didn't want to get up because I could feel everything so well, and there's nothing quite like feeling your baby flip around inside of you.

My pre-pregnancy pants don't fit anymore. Well, they still fit, but they won't zip up or button at all. I did the rubber band trick for about a week before that really wasn't working for me anymore. A friend from our LifeGroup (who just had a baby a few weeks ago) let me borrow a belly band to use, and I have a pair of maternity jeans, so I shouldn't have any pant problems for a while. I also ordered two maternity maxi-skirts and a maternity swimsuit online this week. Hopefully they will fit well!

We are officially one week away from learning the sex of our sweet baby! How can it feel both like you've waited forever to find out, and also like the time has flown by? We have our names picked out (though they'll remain a secret until the baby is born), but knowing which name we'll be using is going to make all of this feel even more real. There's a baby in there - a human soul, hand-crafted by God Himself and made in His image - and they're about to have a name. A name is so significant! I don't think it's an accident that many of the people who were recorded in Scripture later became or displayed the meaning of their name, and G and I have put lots of thought into what we want to name our child.

I want to take a moment and praise my husband. On Sunday, I was very grouchy. It started when I didn't eat breakfast (it's sometimes hard to get in on Sundays because I'm getting ready for church, and I don't want to get up earlier than I have to), and then few things sounded good to me for lunch. We were going to visit the in-laws (they were having a party to celebrate my birthday), so we decided to just pick something up on the way. That wouldn't have been a problem, except we decided on a restaurant that ended up not being at any of the exits we passed! We even got off of two exits, certain that it would be close by, and we were wrong both times. After the second wrong guess, we settled on food from Wendy's (not the healthiest choice, I know, but it tasted good and we were hungry). By that time, it was 12:30, so both of us were needing to eat. We finally made it to the in-laws house, only to discover that there had been a miscommunication about what time everyone would be there! Everyone else had been there for a while, and we were the last ones to arrive. There had also been a misunderstanding about food because of the confusion over the arrival time. We thought there was only going to be cake, when in reality my mother-in-law had cooked a big, delicious lunch for everyone (which we did partake in, despite the fast-food run)! The day ended up being great, and I realized how wrong my attitude had been. My Honey was so patient and loving toward me, even when I was pouting in the passenger seat of the SUV because we couldn't find the restaurant we had decided on. He had every reason to let his attitude turn sour, and I almost wished he would have scolded me because his compassion made me feel worse about how I was acting. His positive attitude kept me from getting grouchier, and his kindness made me feel cherished and safe. He's such a wonderful husband, and it's such a privilege to be his wife.

On our way home, we met my parents for dinner and picked up the crib from their house. We had to take it out of the box to make it fit in the back of the SUV, but we got it home safely. It's absolutely perfect, and there wasn't a single scratch or dent on it! Of course we had to set it up right away (which is one of the projects I mentioned previously that kept us up late), and I couldn't get over how beautiful it is or how perfect it will be in the nursery. The real challenge will be keeping the baby from biting on it as they get bigger, which is why I added rail guards to the registry yesterday.

Here is our newly assembled crib! It's sitting in this room
(which is not the nursery) until we are able to move downstairs
to the master bedroom. The paint color on the wall that you can see
 here is also the color we plan to use in the nursery.

Last night, we met with our LifeGroup and had dinner together. We picked out a study to do for the new season, and were able to catch up on everyone's lives. This time around, we're doing Andy Stanley's iMarriage (you can watch it on YouTube here). G and I did it when we were going through premarital counseling, and I cannot say enough about how wonderful it was! I still think back to what I learned two years ago, and we were hoping for a chance to go through it again. Anyway, one of the couples had a new baby, and I got to hold her a few times. She was so sweet and beautiful, and it made me think about our baby and what he or she will be like. Hubby and I have daydreamed many times about what their eye and hair color will be, who they'll look like, and what kind of personality they will have. It's so neat to think that God already knows what our child will look like and who they will become. I'm excited to find out for myself very soon!

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward." -Psalm 127:3

Pregnancy Update: 18 Weeks

What a week! Normally, I don't have many new things to report, but this week there have been several changes. The biggest change I've noticed over the last seven days is the increase in baby kicking. I don't even have to lay down on my stomach to feel the movement, either. Often, I'll be sitting in a chair or on the couch when I feel the baby wiggle. Though I can't be sure, it sometimes seems like the baby will start kicking when G and I are talking to each other. If he or she is hearing us and responding with movement, that is really cool! Another thing I've noticed is that my belly is staying significantly bigger now. There are still some days when I wake up that it looks a little flat, but most of the time it pooches out. A lot. And when I eat, well, that's something else entirely. The moment food hits my stomach, I start looking like I'm about to go into labor!

Because I had something going on that took me away from the house almost every day this past week, my exercise and healthy eating dropped off some. I did manage to get in lots of walking, though; just not as much with the prenatal workout DVD. My weight is taking its sweet time in going back up, but I do think I'm gaining. This morning before breakfast, I weighed in at 119.4, which is the highest it's been in quite some time.

We bought a crib on Monday! I've had my eye on one from Pottery Barn for a while, but it was pretty pricey. Originally, G and I were going to ask friends and family for PB gift cards that would help us get the crib, but then Mom and I went to a PB Outlet and I found the exact crib I wanted at a dramatically reduced price. After talking to Hubby over the phone in the store, we decided to get it. We spent about what we would spend on a really nice crib from BabiesRUs, and there's just no beating PB's furniture quality. It's a convertible crib, so as the baby grows, we'll be able to adjust it to meet their needs. The box was huge, so I had to leave it with Mom and Dad temporarily, but we're hoping to get it here sometime this weekend and put it together. I can't wait to see it assembled! There are a few more pieces of PB furniture we would like to get for the room (though we won't be in need if we don't get them), so if anyone wants to know what we would like, we're still welcoming gift cards to Pottery Barn and also Restoration Hardware. We've registered at Target and BabiesRUs for everything else.

From what I can tell, most of my family members (and several in-laws) think that we're having a girl. G and I feel like we're having a boy, though. We will hopefully find out in a couple more weeks! In the meantime, I am scouring Pinterest for good gender reveal photos. Some people have gender reveal parties and I think it's a cute idea, but it's really not my style. Personally, I can't justify throwing a party just to tell people the sex of our baby. It's so much easier (and cheaper, and faster) to take a picture, call people, or announce it on Facebook. I know, I'm a kill-joy.

I've been getting up early with my Honey every day for a while now, and I feel so good! I rest well at night and I have a lot more energy in the morning. When I was younger, I always considered myself a morning person. When G and I got married, he said I was more of a "mid-morning person," since it took me a while to wake up. Well, the morning person has returned because except for the initial roll out of bed, I am wide awake and cheerful! There's something special about being up when the sun is rising. It's like you get a stronger sense of the presence of God (I do, anyway).

A sweet lady from my parents' church gave Mom the first and second Babywise books to give to me. I'm really excited about adding them to my reading list, because they had already been recommended to me by another friend. Since I'm very much about putting the baby on a schedule (specifically Dr. Denmark's schedule), I'm interested to see what the authors have to say and see whether or not their advice differs from Dr. Denmark's.

Recently, I looked through the pregnancy pictures that we've taken so far and I couldn't believe how much I've changed physically in such a relatively short period of time!

My first belly photo was taken at 6 weeks.

This photo was taken two days ago on my
birthday (almost 18 weeks).

Mom says I'm showing WAY earlier than she did with me. Apparently she didn't really show with me until two weeks before I was born! Since I'm not even half-way through the pregnancy yet, I think my belly is going to be huge (yay)! Between you and me (and basically everyone else), I'm still hoping to be surprised by twins at the ultrasound appointment. It highly doubt that will happen this time around, but a girl can dream, can't she? In other news, I'm pretty sure I caught a stranger noticing my belly for the first time the other day, and that makes me happy. I wanted to go up to them and say, "Oh, this thing? That's my baby bump. Wanna touch it?" However, they probably would have been seriously creeped out, so I just kept my mouth shut and smiled to myself. Thank the Lord that I'm shy, guys.