We (G, Mom, and I) went to the appointment today, and I noticed right away that the ladies on staff didn't seem to understand what had happened. Part of the checkup routine is to get my weight, blood pressure, and a urine sample, and while they were getting my blood pressure, one of the ladies asked me some standard questions. When she asked if I was nursing, I was certain that there had been a drop in communication somewhere about my time in the hospital. The question didn't offend or upset me, and I didn't want to make her feel bad by explaining the situation, so I just answered "no ma'am." She then asked if I'd given birth to a boy, and when I said the baby was a girl, she congratulated me. Again, this wasn't offensive to me at all. Personally, I feel congratulations are very appropriate. I am, after all, a mother now; even if I didn't get to take Addie home.
The three of us waited in a room for the doctor for a while, and when she came in, she asked me to tell her what happened from the beginning. I recounted our story as best as I could, and explained that we had come to this appointment in the hope of getting some answers that the hospital was either unable or unwilling to give us. We also were hoping to get some direction on what our next step should be. When we finished our account, she apologized once again for the confusion, and informed us that it was unacceptable. She then asked about the test results for the placenta, and I told her we were not told anything about that (plus, I didn't even know testing was part of the procedure), and she said she would go and check my file.
While she was gone, the midwife who saw me at the hospital came in and spoke with us. She asked how I was, and she seemed uncertain when I told her I was doing very well. I guess she thinks I'm still in shock or something, because I know how strange it must be to see someone act calm and normal after going through what we've been through. Anyway, we discussed my symptoms and then she gave her professional opinion about the situation with Addie. She felt confident that there had been nothing wrong with me or my sweet girl, and that the only reason that made sense in her mind for why any of this happened was that I may have an incompetent cervix. I had never heard of such a thing before Addie's passing, at which point G's brother mentioned it to us as a possibility. If that were the cause, it simply means that my cervical muscle is weak, and that it couldn't handle Addie's increasing weight. Because my contractions became painful after I was fully (or mostly) dilated, the midwife believed that the weight of the amniotic sac and fluid combined with Addie's weight caused my cervix to dilate prematurely, which is likely what caused the contractions to start. To prevent this from happening in the future, a perinatal specialist would cinch my cervix shut with a special knot in week 14 of my next pregnancy. This is called a cervical cerclage, and it would remain in place until I reached 36 weeks, at which point the knot would be cut to allow the pregnancy and labor to progress naturally. The doctor came back after a little while, and she informed us that the results of the placenta test were normal, and that there had been no indications of infection or other issues that could have caused early separation. Then she also mentioned the cervical cerclage as a good option, and left us again with the midwife. After answering any remaining questions we had, the appointment came to an end, and we headed home.
It's a relief to know that there were no other medical issues, and that - as I already believed - there had been nothing wrong with Adelyn or with me. My instincts, as far as anyone can tell, were correct. A small part of me felt sad today at the thought that Addie's situation could have possibly been prevented (if only in theory) with a cerclage, but I believe that if God's will had been for her to live, He would have allowed her to live. Logically, I know that even if I had heard about a cervical cerclage beforehand, there would have been no reason for anyone to believe I needed one. You can't test for an incompetent cervix, after all. And before anyone starts to worry about me, I do know that I am not to blame, so I don't feel any guilt. I just really miss my baby.
This week has been pretty good for me. I did have a hard day yesterday, though. I spent a lot of time driving in traffic, which made me really tired. When I get tired, I get emotional, so I cried off and on a lot for the remainder of the day. Then, last night, I suddenly felt frustrated over the lack of concern that I was shown by the hospital staff (not the midwife or midwifery, since the hospital took over after we learned about my condition). It hasn't bothered me for almost two weeks, and then for some reason, it suddenly did. It was all emotion though, because I know that even if they had been really encouraging, informative, and attentive, it wouldn't have changed what happened. What I felt was fleeting though, and likely caused by postpartum hormones, because I was my normal self today.
It has started to sink in that this is our life now. Every year, as long as we live, we will celebrate her birthday without her. Every year, both on G's birthday and hers, we will replay everything that happened - from the contractions to kissing her goodbye after we were discharged - in our heads. It's not nice, and it won't always feel good, but it is good because God is good. He hasn't left us on our own, and He never will. It won't always hurt either, and it doesn't most of the time anyway (at least for me). Most of the time, the memories of sweet Addie Jane bring us happiness. But on the days that it does hurt, we can cling to the hope of a glorious reunion and spending eternity in the presence of Christ together.
"To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." -2 Peter 3:18
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