After Addie - Two Years Later

We sat on our bed last night and talked. The clock on the dresser read "10:45pm" and G commented that exactly two years prior, we were at the hospital and I was in labor with Adelyn Jane.

Two years?

Has it really been that long? Sometimes I remember it as clearly as if it just happened, and other times it seems like the remnants of a forgotten story someone told me long ago. But every time I stop, close my eyes, and think back to that day, it's like a movie starts playing in my head and I can remember even the most trivial details.

I remember G driving me to the hospital and me riding shotgun with my feet up on the dash. For some reason, that position eased the discomfort of my contractions and I sat there trying to take deep, slow breaths. I remember the sound of our feet hitting the pavement as we walked around the hospital to the side entrance after finding out the main entrance was locked for the night. I remember the look on the midwife's face after she examined me and knowing before she said anything that we were about to get bad news. And after we talked to the specialist about our situation, I felt God speak to my heart and tell me exactly how the next few hours were going to play out: The labor wasn't going to stop, I was going to have my baby, and He was going to take her home. I remember feeling peace wash over me alongside the certainty that I felt about what was to come. I remember holding our Addie, who we were told had the faintest of heartbeats that would only last an hour, and being surprised by how normal she looked. At only half-way through the pregnancy, I expected her to look like a little alien. Yet there she was, fully-formed and the tiniest baby I had ever seen. Her little head was still warm for the moment, and it felt like velvet when I kissed it. I whispered "I love you" in her little ear. I didn't know whether or not she could hear me, but I wanted those words to be the first and last words that she heard.

For the rest of the night G and I took turns holding her and looking at her, or trying to get some rest. In the morning, sometime between 7:00-8:00, our families arrived. The nurse told us they were there and asked if she could bring them back. I told her "yes" and as she went back out the door to get them, I remember feeling a twinge of concern. Would they be worried? Would they be hurting? Of course they would. They just lost a family member. All of a sudden I was desperate for them to know that we were okay and that God had a purpose for all of this, and I wanted them to have the same peace I had at that moment. Shortly after the nurse left, the door opened again and one after another, our parents and my brother walked slowly - almost cautiously - into the room. All of them were quiet and solemn, and some of them already had wet faces. I smiled at them in what I imagine would be the same way I would have smiled if I'd had Addie at full term and she were merely sleeping in my arms. It wasn't forced, either. I really did feel pride and joy about that beautiful baby I had just given birth to. There were lots of tears, though not by me. Whether because of shock or meds or just the enormity of peace I felt in my soul, I couldn't get emotional. It's as if my heart was still in crisis mode. My tears would come later, when it was time to leave. I watched each family member hold our tiny baby girl. They hugged and kissed her, stared down at her little face, and talked about how beautiful she was. It was a sacred time and God's presence in that hospital room was the heaviest I had ever felt. There was no doubt in my mind that He was right there with us in our pain. He was right there with us when we buried Addie a few days later, and He's still with us today as we look back.

Lots of other things took place after that which you know about if you have followed this blog for a while, and here we are - two years later. God's grace and goodness astound me. He truly never wastes an experience, and He is still using our heartaches for His glory. G and I are doing well, and we can think and talk about Addie without grief. I love thinking of her and talking about her with other people. God has brought us both closure in our hearts, and so we have been able to move forward in confidence, without fear of the future. We still have peace, joy, and hope, and our lives have never been fuller! Tessa is growing up quickly, and we are enjoying each new stage as they come. She is brings so much happiness to our hearts. For a while now, we have been praying for God's wisdom to know how to reach out to others and serve and we are considering a path that would allow us to use Adelyn's story (which is really God's story) to lift up others who are hurting. We don't know if it's the direction the Lord is leading in yet, but we want to go where and do whatever will bring Him the most praise. He is good, guys. Trust Him.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves." -Psalm 126:5-6

Tessa Finley - One Year Update

So it did take me another six months after all to write another update! 

Today is our sweet Tessa's first birthday. I can't believe she's one already! I've been looking back through old pictures of her, and it's strange to think that we held her for the first time just twelve months ago. It feels like she's always been with us, and she has changed so much during that time. Tessa has brought us so much joy, and she keeps us laughing. We thank the Lord every day for bringing her into our life.

One week old!

She's grown so much in twelve months!

How She's Changed
Mobility
Tessa is an excellent crawler and climber (though she hasn't yet managed to climb onto any couches or chairs), so we have to make sure the baby gate by the stairs is shut whenever she is awake. She has started trying to stand without holding onto anything. It doesn't last for more than a few seconds, but she's getting better every day. We've been holding her hands and helping her walk around the house and she seems to have pretty good balance. I think she will probably try and take some steps on her own in the next couple of months. She learned to roll over pretty early, but then oddly enough seemed to forget how. Then one day, it's as if she remembered again, and she can roll over very quickly now. It makes changing her diapers very difficult sometimes!

Language
She has started babbling a lot, and will sometimes crawl around the house "talking" loudly. She is also very vocal when we are in the car. She says "Da Da," though I don't always think she connects it with G, and she will mimic me quite well if I say "duck." It's also very obvious that she understands a lot of what we say. She knows her name and also what "no," "come here," "outside," "water," "eat," "puffs," "peek-a-boo panda" and "choco" (her favorite toys) mean. She can also sign "all done" and "eat," though she will use the sign for "all done" to say she is finished and that she wants more of something. We're still working on the sign language, but she's getting it.

Personality
Tessa keeps us laughing with her antics. She has started making some silly faces, and will bust them out when you least expect it. It's hilarious, especially when she does it while looking at herself in the mirror! If you aren't paying enough attention to her, she will get into your line of sight, put on a big smile, and start waving until you look at her. She is very sweet, and most of the time will share her toys with me when we play. Whenever she hears music, she starts bouncing up and down and smiling, so I think she will probably like to dance when she is older. She loves to be chased around the house, and she loves hide and seek. Whenever she hides or crawls away from us quickly, she giggles happily. It's really cute. Sometimes she will lean in and give us kisses on our cheeks (most of the time without biting), so I suspect she will be very affectionate and tenderhearted as she grows up. However, she is also starting to test the boundaries we've set for her. She often crawls over to outlets (all tamper-resistant) and tries to touch them, and we have to make sure we put our shoes away or she will put them in her mouth. Sometimes she deliberately does what we just told her not to do, so she will probably be a little bit strong-willed too. She is also pretty independent right now, and likes to explore the house on her own.

Social Behavior
In social situations, Tessa has really improved a lot. She doesn't really mind now if there is someone new in the house, or if she is in a new environment (provided we are there with her). We are still working on the nursery situation, but she is making progress. Most of the time she ends up being wheeled around in a stroller in the hallway, which she is perfectly fine with. Time in the classroom is still not her favorite, though. She doesn't seem to care for other children her age, and would rather play on her own than with another child. Tessa really seems to think that she is as big as we are, and wants little to do with other babies. Her interest in older children and adults seems to be much greater, however. She waves at everyone she sees when we are running errands, and if people aren't paying attention to her, she will wave or babble until they look at her. One of her favorite things to do is video chat with other family members. As soon as I open the app, she starts squealing excitedly!

How We Are Doing
We have really enjoyed the last twelve months with Tessa. Parenting is hard, but it's so rewarding. There are few things that make me as happy as having our baby girl in my arms. After Tessa goes to bed, we typically work on some remodeling projects (which I will need to post updates about soon) or watch a movies. The summer has been hot so far, and it is often difficult to get motivated to do anything productive. We are in a nice routine now, and we are trying to get some things ready before Tessa's party in a couple of weeks. Other than that, there isn't much to report on.

"I will sing to the Lord because He has treated me generously." -Psalm 13:6 

Why I Struggle To Leave My Child In The Church Nursery

Today was the day. We (more specifically, I) had been struggling with the decision of what we needed to do with Tessa during church. For months she sat quietly in our laps, occasionally cooing or chewing on a toy. Sometimes we would have to walk out of service with her, but that wasn't a big deal because there were televisions playing in the lobby where we could still hear the sermon. Now, at ten months old, she is wanting to get down and explore. Sitting still and quiet for an hour is just not something she cares to do anymore, especially when there are other people to wave or squeak at, and aisles to crawl down. She needs to be in a class with children her own age where she can play and move around freely for a while without distracting those who are trying to pay attention to what the pastor is teaching. The most logical option, then, was to start taking her to the nursery. My mind knew it was not a big deal; people put their children in the nursery all the time and the children are just fine.

But I was not fine.

A decision that should have been easy and uncomplicated was weighing heavily on my heart. I felt anxious at the thought of leaving her, and I thought at first it was because I didn't know the nursery workers, or because I knew Tessa would cry. But no matter how many times I told myself it would be okay and I just needed to do it, I couldn't find any peace. Last week during service, Tessa crawled all over the place and made lots of noise and by the time we left church, I knew it was time. So we decided on the way home that today is when we would start taking her to the nursery.

All week long I agonized. I dreaded going to church, and I even mentally looked for some excuse to get out of going while at the same time asking myself why something that should be so simple was so hard for me. We got to church early so that we could fill out the forms and check things out. I felt trembly all over. I kept thinking, "This is wrong. I shouldn't be leaving her." A lady I knew who understood my hesitancy walked us to Tessa's room and assured us everything would be fine. "Everything won't be fine," I thought to myself.

At our previous church, I was in charge of the three year old class and I saw lots of moms who had a hard time leaving their babies. They would linger near the door or even come in the class and play with their children for a while (which always made it ten times harder when they finally did leave). My mind, then, knew it would be best for me to drop her off and go. And though I said I would never do what those moms in my class did, I had already made up my mind today to ask if I could stay for a few minutes and help her get settled. When we got to the room, there was such a rush of activity from other people dropping off their children that she was out of my arms and in the room before I could blink or think to ask. Tessa immediately started screaming and reaching for me, as I knew she would, and we were suddenly walking toward the sanctuary without our baby. As we walked down the hallway, my eyes were tearing up. I felt like my heart had been cut open, but it was more than just sadness over my child being upset. What I felt was both new and strangely familiar at the same time. Grief.

I clutched the sticker we would need to pick up Tessa from her class the entire service. Any time a number would pop up on the screen and signal for a parent to come and get their child, my eyes would immediately look down to see if it was our number. It wasn't. I sat there restlessly in my seat, knowing that my baby was probably unhappy and it stressed me out. Just before service ended, I was longing to go and get her. There was a sense of urgency - a need to have her in my arms again. Why is this so hard for me? I kept asking myself this question, but no amount of rational thinking could change what I was feeling. When service ended, I moved as quickly as I could toward the children's wing of the church. Before we reached her class, I spotted her in the hallway. A dear friend was pushing her around the in the stroller and Tessa was sitting contentedly, chewing on a toy. She did some crying, as we expected, and wasn't crazy about her classroom. But she was okay. When Tessa saw us, she immediately started screaming again. I got her in my arms again as quickly as I could, and she clung to me with all her little might. It broke my heart all over again, and I just wanted to leave and go home as soon as possible. When we were in the car and on the road, the tears came. I cried all the way home. I cried as I put Tessa down for her nap. Then I lay down on the bed and cried some more. And just as I was wondering for the thousandth time what my problem was, it finally hit me.

This is wrong. I shouldn't have to leave her.

I had said these words over and over in my mind when I would think of putting Tessa in the nursery, but this is also word-for-word what I was thinking when I said goodbye to our Addie Jane for the last time right before we left the hospital a year and a half ago. I held that tiny one pound baby in my arms, told her I loved her, and laid her gently on the warming table. The light was off, of course. She was gone, so it wasn't needed anymore. I had kissed her cold little head and moved toward the door, taking one last look before going through it and thinking, "This is wrong. I shouldn't have to leave her."

This is why I struggle to leave my child in the nursery. 

When my arms let go of Tessa this morning, they were remembering the other time I had to let go of my baby. I didn't understand why I was grieving because I wasn't consciously thinking about Addie. But my heart remembered. This time I was walking down the hallway away from my child just for a little while. Last time, I was wheeled in a wheel chair down several hallways away from my child and I wouldn't be picking her up again. The circumstances were completely different but the pain was the same. That's why I struggled with the idea of putting Tessa in the nursery. It's why my heart broke and I wanted to slide to the floor and weep. It's why the thought of doing it again next week makes me sick. Because I had decided that day when we said goodbye to Adelyn that I didn't ever want to leave my child behind again. It doesn't matter that I would be picking up Tessa again right after church. No matter how many times I remind myself that she's fine and that our separation is temporary, I will always remember having to leave Addie. And it will always hurt, though I know the pain will lessen with time. Eventually, dropping her off will become second nature. Tessa will grow to like her class, and someday I'm sure she won't want to leave when we come to get her. But right now it's hard, and we are stepping out in faith and asking God to guide our decisions.

When I talk about how much I dislike leaving Tessa in the nursery or anywhere else, this is why. It's because deep down I'm always reliving that moment when I had to leave Addie behind in that cold hospital room. I frequently forget that while it seems like such a long time ago, it hasn't even been two years yet. The grief is still fresh, and I know it will continue to show up at unexpected times for the rest of my life. Yes, we will keep putting Tessa in her class. We truly believe that it is what she needs right now, and that it's what is best for her long term. She needs the socialization, and she needs to learn to trust that we will come back for her. And we need to be able to sit in service and hear the Word of God without chasing a baby around the church and distracting her with toys to keep her quiet (which never works for long). When she is older, we will bring her back into service with us some of the time. For now, this is what needs to happen. Please pray for us as the Lord leads. Parenting is hard, but it's good. And knowing that Adelyn is safe in the arms of the Lord brings us comfort alongside the grief. I have a feeling my husband will be taking Tessa to her class, at least for a little while!

Tessa Finley - 6 Month Update

I realized today that I haven't published any updates about Tessa since she was born! Originally, I planned to write a new post every month to share how she was growing and changing, but then the busyness of motherhood and homemaking would take over and they would never get finished. There are probably a lot of you who were wondering what happened to us and how things are going!

How She's Changed
Considering I never got around to those monthly posts, Tessa has changed a LOT. I've been taking pictures on the thirteenth day of each month to chronicle how much she's growing and changing. Here are the pictures, starting from when she was one week old:

G and I laugh because her mature and exaggerated facial expressions make her seem more like a little girl than a six month old baby. She has a very feisty personality, and will let you know quickly if she doesn't like something or someone. We suspect that she is going to strong-willed when she's older, mostly because she already is! Although she has a flair for the melodramatic, she is also very sweet, funny, and intelligent. Tessa giggles and squeals with excitement, and there is nothing better than looking down at her while she reaches up, touches my face, and stares at me curiously with those big, blue eyes. She truly is a joy to be around, and I'm excited to see how her personality will continue to blossom as she grows.

We kept her crib in our room until she was five months old, and then we moved her upstairs to her own room. She was no longer waking during the night for feedings or dirty diaper changes, so it seemed like a good time to make that transition. At first we weren't sure how it would go, but I really believe all of us sleep so much better now. Tessa took to the new sleeping arrangements beautifully, and without a single issue. She sleeps from about 7:00pm/7:30pm to 7:00am. Some mornings, I have to wake her up to feed her because she's still snoozing away! She also has one scheduled nap at 9:00am, and will sleep anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours. She doesn't have a scheduled afternoon nap, but usually will catnap for 30 minutes to an hour around 2pm.

Since we've been following Dr. Denmark's schedule, Tessa started solids at 3 months. And before you throw any stones, know that her pediatrician gave us the green light (though he personally disagreed on the timing) and Tessa did very well with it! She eats a mixture of pureed foods after every nursing session, and is growing at a consistent rate. So far, she's had oatmeal, brown rice, eggs, chicken, black-eyed peas, greek yogurt, sweet potatoes, carrots, green beans, peas, winter squash, butternut squash, pumpkin, spinach, applesauce, bananas, prunes, pears, and a few mixed squeeze pouches with lentils and quinoa. It seems like maybe she's had a couple of other fruits and veggies as well, but I don't remember what they are at the moment. I usually take a protein and mix it with fruit, vegetables, and a starch. Because there is a lot of fruit in the puree, she doesn't really notice the flavors that aren't as sweet, so she's getting a lot of wonderful nutrients from the mush. The plan is to keep her continue with this way of eating until her second birthday, at which point I will switch her over to the THM eating schedule.

Tessa will be crawling very soon! She can already hold herself up while standing (though will topple over quickly if she starts bouncing with excitement), and as of yesterday can lift one arm in the air while she's on her hands and knees. I think she will be all over the place and into everything the second it clicks in her brain! G and I are already planning a trip to Babies R Us to get some cabinet locks. She is also very talkative, and mostly says "ma ma ma" or "na na na." When she wants me to get her, she'll start fussing and saying "ma" repeatedly, so I think she's making the connection between me and "Mama." She recently started lifting her arms a bit when she wants you to pick her up, and she will reach for me if someone else is holding her and she's over it. Tessa is suspicious of people she doesn't see on a regular basis, and gets very upset if someone she isn't familiar with tries to hold her. That's normal for babies, and I'm not going to force her to go to someone if she isn't comfortable yet. I was always a shy little girl, and though I don't think she's shy, I can certainly understand why she wouldn't want to be held by someone she doesn't know.

After a lot of prayer and intense study, G and I did decide to get the dTap and Polio shots for Tessa. Neither of them use aborted fetal cell lines (if you don't know what I'm referring to, I really encourage you to do some research), and that combination was relatively low in aluminum. Anyway, we decided that the consequences of Tessa getting whooping cough, tetanus, diphtheria, or polio (as slim as the chances may be) outweighed the possible risk of vaccination injury in this case. We deemed the other shots as unnecessary, either because she had no need for it (as in the case of HepB) or it would not give her an immunity (such as the flu shot as well as the chicken pox vaccine, where immunity can be lost over time). All of the other vaccines compromise our religious convictions and pro-life stance, so we will be avoiding them as well. However, this is something we will continue to research. If future vaccines are introduced that do not use aborted fetal cell lines in their development, various illnesses begin to increase in society, and the new vaccines prove to be a safe an effective way to combat those illnesses, we will revisit the situation at that time. I understand that many who read this update will take offense to our decision but our responsibility is to do what we believe is best for Tessa, not for anyone else's child. I can assure you I've looked at all sides of this issue and spent years in intense research, so please understand that this was a very informed decision. Anyway, she's had her first dose of dTap and Polio, and there was no obvious reaction apart from a very low fever for a couple of days in the evenings. I will be doing my part with Tessa's diet and lifestyle to cultivate excellent health as she grows, and a healthy immune system is the best way to avoid illness.

How We Are Doing
G and I are getting lots of sleep at night again, which is really wonderful. It was tough for the first few months. I still try to sleep while she's napping in the mornings, but being on plan with THM is really helping to increase my energy levels. G has finished several projects around the house (which I hope to write an update about soon) including installing a whole-house water filter, finishing the window trim and chimney chase in the living room, and working to reinstall the central vacuum system that was in the house when we moved in (but had to be cut out to make room for the HVAC ducts when we upgraded everything). We love being parents, and feel like we've found our "parenting groove." Hopefully it won't take another six months to write the next update on Tessa (though I am already planning her first birthday party)! Keep checking back here for updates!

We hope you had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!