Third Pregnancy Update - 37 Weeks

Have you ever had a moment where you were just in awe of God and His goodness? That's where I am today. By His grace, we reached 37 weeks with Ella yesterday!

37 weeks, 1 day!

Before starting this post, I went back and reread the update I posted at 37 weeks with Tessa. It was neat to see how much has changed and how much is the same this time around. My pregnancy with Tessa was filled with so much stress and uncertainty overall, whereas this pregnancy has held nothing but peace and excitement. Like last time, I am tired. I feel big and uncomfortable, but this time I have a lot of pelvic pain (probably because Ella has dropped).

How I'm Doing Physically

Over the last week, I've had several sessions of "labor practice" where I had semi-regular contractions for two hours straight. The first practice session had a lot of contractions, but they were all painless and fairly irregular, lasting 30-40 seconds - a couple being longer or shorter than that. The second session was several days later, and I started feeling discomfort in my back as well as my mid and upper abdomen (something I had yet to experience in any of my pregnancies), and most of the contractions were under 10 minutes apart and lasted for 60 seconds. Yesterday evening, just before dinner, a third practice session began. It went on, as expected, for about two hours before stopping. The first half hour had regular contractions every 5-6 minutes that lasted 60 seconds or more. I felt them in my back as well as all over my abdomen, and they were the most uncomfortable they had been so far. Still nothing painful, and I didn't end up calling because I never saw the signs my midwife told me to look for, but I can sense we're getting close to the real thing!

Tomorrow is a really big day, because if Ella is still head down, I will be getting the cerclage out! We've really been praying that the Lord would keep her in until after the appointment, because then everything should be smooth sailing after that. She can come whenever she likes, and I won't have to worry about the stitches still being in place. So if you think about us around 3pm tomorrow, we would really appreciate your prayers! We will really be surprised if there's not a baby in our arms before next week, but God works in mysterious ways and He will bring her into the world in His perfect timing.

How I'm Doing Emotionally

This has been the week for hormones, but most of what I've been feeling has been positive. I'm so excited to meet this baby girl, and so humbled by God's goodness to us - whatever the outcome. There have been a few moments when I felt anxious and played the "what if" game:

• What if I don't get to have my natural birth again?
• What if something goes wrong and God calls Ella home like He did with Addie?
• What if she surprises us all and stays put until my due date, resulting in a medically unnecessary cesarean?

These fears never stick around long, because I remind myself of God's sovereignty over all things. Of two things I am certain: He loves me, and He knows what's best for me. If any of those things were to happen, I can rest secure in those truths. He has been so faithful and good to us; how can I doubt that He will be so this time as well? It's hard to hold onto dreams with an open hand, but I know whatever happens is part of His perfect will. That's enough for me. I'm just glad to be involved in the process!

Interestingly enough, I have thought about Adelyn a lot lately. As I picture what my birth experience with Ella will be like, I've found myself going back and remembering everything that happened with Addie. Maybe it's because I long for a natural birth, and Addie was born naturally. I find myself replaying that evening often, remembering what I saw and felt. You'd think it would make me sad, but it doesn't. Addie was still born, and she's still my child even though I haven't been given the privilege and responsibility of raising her like I have with Tessa. I love talking about her and remembering, even if the memories aren't very happy ones. 

There is one thing in particular that I long for as I hope for a positive and joyful birth experience. I want so badly to feel something - anything - when Ella is born. God told me in the hospital with Addie how the evening was going to end, so I was prepared for crisis mode. I felt peace, but nothing else - good or bad - even as I held that tiny girl in my arms. With Tessa, I had drugs in my system for the cesarean that prevented me from feeling any emotion, even when I heard her cry after being delivered. I had ached for that cry since I didn't get one with Addie, and I couldn't react to it at all. Both times, I just held my babies and looked down at them, not feeling anything but curiosity. My thoughts were literally, "This is a baby. I carried her inside me, and now she's in my arms." Just facts, void of emotion. The things I've ended up missing and grieving over are not what I would have expected. And maybe I'm one of those people that doesn't get a flood of emotion and parental love right away. It comes eventually, and doesn't mean I don't love my babies. It would just be neat to have that type of experience. However, I have given it to the Lord and will not make an idol of it. When I stop and really give it some thought, I will just be overjoyed and relieved to have Ella here at last!

How I'm Doing Spiritually

God is good, and I have so much peace. G does too. Neither of us are worried, even in moments when I am trying to relax through contractions or when we are thinking about holding Ella.

"You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You." -Isaiah 26:3

As Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I've got to say about that." Glory to God.

What's Left To Do?
G has some projects he's been working on around the house that he is trying to finish up, but it's not a big deal if they don't get done. The crib is in our room and ready to go, and the hospital bags are in the car. I printed out and laminated some Scriptures to read if I get weary during labor, and I downloaded the Hidden In My Heart Scripture Lullabies albums and put them into a labor playlist on my phone. They really help calm my mind and body, and I think they will help me focus and relax during contractions. All of my paperwork is finished and submitted, so we're pretty much as ready as we'll ever be. This may very well be my last post before Ella joins us! Thank you so for your prayers!

Third Pregnancy: An Overview And Update

My pregnancy with Tessa was pretty stressful, and I'll admit that most of that was my own doing. We had lost Addie, and I was taking my first steps on that life-long journey of grief. On top of that, I was facing a host of brand-new decisions and an uncertain future. God really exposed a lot of things in my heart that I needed to surrender to Him, and He increased my faith so much during that time. 

Thank you, Lord.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2017, and we started talking about having another baby. A few months into the new year, we asked the Lord once more to bless us with a child and focused on the things He had given us to do at the time. Just before the summer, when we found out that God had granted our request for another baby, we immediately felt such a peace. After all He has brought us through, there was no doubt in our minds that He had absolute control of every detail and we could move toward whatever the future held for us without fear. We've felt so free, and as a result, the pregnancy has flown by!

Here I am now at 35 weeks, 2 days, and this is the first post I've written since we shared the good news. Life has been good, and going through the toddler stage with Tessa has been fun (albeit challenging at times). It's been difficult to belly pictures, but I think I was able to get at least one or two in each trimester. Since posting regular updates hasn't happened at all, I thought I would do one big update that covered the entire pregnancy.

First Trimester

The day before I turned 7 weeks.

This was the first time I've really felt sick during the first trimester of a pregnancy. Food aversions and fatigue have always been present, but this time around there was a lot of nausea. I never actually got sick, but there were many times that I wished I would just so that I could get it over with and not feel so nauseated! I found that I pretty much had to nibble on something all day long unless I wanted to feel terrible very quickly. As with the first trimesters in the other two pregnancies, I didn't really have any cravings. Oddly enough, tomato-based foods like chili and spaghetti were usually what sounded edible (since nothing ever sounds good in the first trimester). Thankfully, I didn't have any problems with acid reflux from eating tomatoes. 

There was definitely fatigue too, and I relied far more than I wanted to on TV with Tessa. I had zero energy, and physically couldn't keep up with her, so we watched a LOT of Boz, Pride and Prejudice (the good version with Colin Firth, of course), and Seven Brides For Seven Brothers. So much for no/low media child-rearing! 

And while it will sound completely crazy, I am positive I felt the first baby movements during my sixth week of pregnancy. At 9 weeks, I starting feeling more frequent (yet subtle) movements.

Second Trimester

9 weeks, 5 days.

Almost the exact day I started my second trimester, the nausea, food aversions, and fatigue completely disappeared! I felt my energy come back, and I was able to rely on the television less and less. I never did have any cravings (except one time at 11pm when I wanted some of that yellow saffron rice in the metallic foil that they sell at the grocery store), but all food sounded and tasted delicious! Second trimester is definitely my favorite part of pregnancy because of how great I usually feel, and getting to experience those regular baby kicks.

We also found out just before I entered the 14th week of pregnancy that we were having our third girl! Just like we did with Tessa, we announced the name of this baby at 23 weeks: Ella Joan. Ella means "Young Girl" and Joan means "God is gracious." God was certainly gracious in giving us another little girl after calling home our first, so it seemed like the perfect fit. We still haven't decided on a verse for her, but there are a lot of good ones we are considering (feel free to make suggestions, if you have any). Ella was a lot less wiggly than Tessa (and even Addie), and I got the feeling that the only reason she moved was because she wanted to get into a more comfortable position for sleeping. We're going to get along just fine, I think!

The day before I turned 17 weeks.

Third Trimester

We found out at my 28 week appointment that Ella had flipped into the head-down position, which was so exciting, since I plan to try for an unmedicated VBAC. Some fatigue came back not long after I started this trimester, though it is different from the first trimester fatigue. I don't feel an overwhelming need to sleep now, but I tire out very quickly. During the early part of the third trimester, I had to stick to lots of smaller meals, because if I ate, I physically couldn't move for an hour because my belly would get so big and tight! 

28 weeks, 1 day. Ready for Star Wars: The Last Jedi!

A non-baby-related highlight of the third trimester was getting to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi! We went with some friends the week after it came out, and yes, I did crochet a Leia hair hat and go in costume. Nobody else dressed up, and I'm sure I got a lot of weird looks, but I don't mind. An older man even bowed to me from across the theater. It was a fun night!

Our chubby-cheeked Ella.

We had the final cerclage check at the beginning of January, and everything looked great! The ultrasound technician switched to 3D during the appointment, and my mom and I were able to see Ella clearly for the first time! She is such a cutie, and I can't wait to squish those chubby little cheeks. We also learned that she is growing normally, which is a big deal! Addie and Tessa both measured smaller, and when Tessa was born, she only weighed 5lbs, 11oz. Before I got pregnant with Ella, I started following the Trim Healthy Mama plan. Lots of people adopt the THM lifestyle because they want to lose weight, but the principles they teach in their book also work for people like me who are trying to gain or maintain weight. I gained just over 20lbs with Tessa, and that was with a lot of effort. This time, I implemented the principles of THM (which were so easy and low-stress), and feel like it has really made a big difference. Plus, I feel great!

35 weeks, 1 day!

Today was the last appointment to check Ella's growth, and we got a great report from the perinatologist. Ella's estimated weight at 35 weeks, 2 days is 5lbs, 7oz (just a few ounces less than what Tessa weighed when she was born at 37 weeks). Everything looks great, and she is still head down. This means the cerclage can come out and I can try for an unmedicated VBAC! God is so good. We scheduled the cerclage removal appointment for February 21st at 3pm, so if you think of me on that day, I would really appreciate your prayers. I was still taking progesterone with the cerclage IN when I went into labor naturally with Tessa (prompting the emergency cesarean), so I know I could go into labor at any time with Ella. My due date isn't until March 12, but we are sensing that she will come sometime in February (you can make your predictions if you have any). They will still remove the cerclage as planned even if I do go into labor before the next appointment, so either way it won't be a big deal. I'm far enough along now to where it won't be a problem if she comes at any point from now on. 

Pictures from today's appointment (35 weeks, 2 days)!

Estimated weight is 5lbs, 7oz! She's almost as big as Tessa was when she was born.

We also got some more ultrasound photos today, and I'm thinking they're probably the last ones we'll get before we see her sweet face in person. It's crazy to think that she could be here three weeks from now! 💗

Shouts Of Joy

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy." -Psalm 126:5

This is the first verse that came to mind when I sat down to write this post. Three years ago, I was pregnant with our first daughter, Adelyn Jane. We didn't know at the time that God's plan was to call Addie home to Him just a few weeks later. Then, six weeks after saying goodbye to our firstborn child, God blessed us with our Tessa. In a pregnancy that was fraught with uncertainty and difficult decisions, God showed us that His plan is best and that He can be trusted completely in all things. On the day we finally held Tessa in our arms, we were truly reaping with shouts of joy!

Just before Tessa's second birthday, we shouted with joy once again after learning Baby #3 is on the way! Today was our confirmation appointment, and while I've known for weeks now that I am pregnant (and have almost posted about it accidentally before actually announcing anything), there's nothing quite like seeing with your own eyes that precious new baby on the screen! Baby has a heartbeat of 173, and is due on March 12th. I'm 8 weeks, 1 day today!

Whether God gives us the honor of raising this next child like He has with Tessa, or whether He takes them home like He did with Addie, we have such peace knowing that everything is going perfectly according to His plans. He is so good!

Hello Tessa Finley (And A 3 Week Postpartum Update)

***Just a heads up: this post is going to be very long!***

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

As I thought about how to begin this update, the Lord brought this verse to my mind. It wasn't until I started writing that I remembered I had opened with this same passage of Scripture in my very first post about Tessa, which seems fitting. This verse gets more meaningful to me with every year that passes. With Addie, our hope for a child was delayed and it really did make our hearts sick. Yet less than a year after she died, God has blessed us and brought a second little girl into our lives. I intended to write the next update shortly after Tessa was born, but we felt and experienced so many different things that I couldn't find the words for a while. Three weeks later I now know what to say, starting with Tessa's birth story.

On Monday morning, July 13, Mom took me to my pre-op appointment at the hospital. The C-section was scheduled for the next day at 8:30am. During the appointment, when the nurse was using the doppler to check Tessa's heartbeat, she told me that I was having a contraction. A contraction? I thought that was just Tessa stretching! The contraction didn't feel anything like the contractions I had with Addie, though it was still tight and painless. I thought for sure the nurse had to be mistaken, because if THAT was a contraction, then I had been having them every day for a while after all. I left the appointment confident that she had it wrong (in spite of the fact that she was a nurse who dealt with pregnant women every day), but in the back of my mind I started to doubt. Maybe it was a contraction after all. Mom and I came back to the house, and I felt tired so I laid down and took a nap. At one point, when I got up to go to the bathroom, I felt that familiar tightness again. It wasn't noticeable tightening, but it once again felt like Tessa was stretching. Making a mental note to keep an eye on these moments of "stretching," I went back to sleep. 

Lunchtime rolled around, and Mom and I discussed where to go. For some bizarre reason Chili's sounded good, even though the food tastes processed and usually leaves much to be desired. However, their chili queso dip, chips and salsa, and barbecue ribs sounded better than anything else I could think of, so off we went. That's right, the family "health-nut" decided her last lunch before the surgery would be unhealthy food. Maybe I had a moment of nostalgia, since we used to eat there a lot when I was a child. I'm just as surprised as you! Anyway, when we got to the restaurant, I skimmed the menu even though I knew what I wanted. We had not been seated for two minutes when my attention was drawn to my abdomen. This time it was that familiar and obvious tightening that I experienced when I was in labor with Addie. Oh boy. Mom must have seen my face change, because she asked if I was okay. I calmly told her that I definitely just had a contraction (which I had mentally started timing), so she pulled out her phone and went straight to the stopwatch app. It lasted for over two minutes before easing up. She told me to let her know if I had another one, and she would time it for me. We joked about how funny (and typical) it would be if I ended up going into labor and having the C-section on the thirteenth instead of the next day. It wouldn't be that surprising; from what we could tell in the ultrasound appointments, Tessa was stubborn and had a mind of her own. It seemed very likely to me that she would decide to do things her own way and come the last day before the surgery. The waitress brought out the chips, salsa, and queso dip, and Mom and I chatted some more. A few minutes later I felt another contraction coming on, so I alerted Mom and she started the timer again. Two. Two contractions in less than ten minutes. Four or more in an hour is usually a sign of labor, and I began to suspect that the contractions were not about to stop. After the third contraction in 25 minutes, I said, "You know Mom, I'm going to have another contraction in a minute, and we'll probably have to go to the hospital." She was okay with that, and both of us felt excited at the prospect of what the day would bring. Though our food had just come out, we asked for to-go boxes. Sure enough the fourth contraction hit not long after the third one ended, so we packed up our food and headed toward the hospital. Mom suggested I call the OB, who told me to come there first so I could be checked, and I called G to tell him what was going on.

Between the waiting room and exam room, we were there for over an hour before a doctor came in. My OB wasn't in the office that day, and apparently the wait was that long because they had trouble finding my file (which was probably in the process of getting faxed to the hospital). Thankfully, I do very well with long wait times. While we were in the main waiting room, I had several more contractions. I practiced my deep breathing and relaxation in the exam room, and they stopped for a while. Finally, one of the other doctors came in and apologized for the delay, then asked me some questions about my situation. Then she did a pelvic exam to check the status of my cervix. A few seconds later, she sat back and said, "Well, you are 90% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated, so you definitely need to go to the hospital!" That news didn't surprise me at all because I already knew I was in labor, so we headed across the street and up the elevator to the L&D floor. On our way over I updated G, who immediately dropped what he was doing at work and met us at the hospital. He arrived right before they took us back to a labor and delivery room (much to my relief). 

Because I had eaten lunch recently, they wanted to wait at least 6 hours before taking me back for surgery so that my food would be fully digested. So G, Mom, and I waited in the L&D room for the remainder of the afternoon. A nurse was came in every so often to check the fetal monitor, take my blood pressure, or insert an IV, and we also spoke with the anesthesiologist and his assistant. My aunt and cousins showed up and visited with us for a little while, and eventually everyone but G went back to the waiting room until after the surgery. As we approached the end of the six hour wait time, I was given some medication through the IV to prepare me for the surgery. My OB arrived and talked with me for a few minutes, and told me that I was third in line for a cesarean. They ended up bumping me to second place when my contractions began affecting Tessa's heart rate.

After the first C-section was finished and the operating room cleared, they took me back to administer the spinal. G had to wait just outside the room until they had prepped me, then they brought him in. Although the surgery had previously been such a source of anxiety for me, I wasn't nervous at all. The anesthesiologist was very skilled, and after giving me the numbing medicine I didn't even feel the larger needle. I shook the entire time as a side effect of the spinal, but I was alert and aware of everything that was happening. As I laid there on the operating table, I was struck by how different - yet similar - things were this time around. When I labored with Addie, I was on my back the entire time. With Tessa I was on my back yet again (something I had really hoped to avoid repeating). With the birth of both babies there was a peace in my soul, even though I knew in my heart that Addie was going to die that night and I didn't know what would happen with Tessa. They whisked Tessa away to the warmer after she was born just like they did with Addie. This time though, I saw Tessa move when they held her over the sheet. I heard her cry (or to be more accurate, I heard her scream - boy does she have some lungs!). She was born at 8:30pm, weighed 5lbs 11oz, and measured 17 1/2 inches long.

Brand new and cheesy.

I couldn't hold her yet, but G held her close so I could look at her.

At that point, I was stitched back up and my OB removed my cerclage. G was across the room with Tessa, and he would occasionally come back over to check on me before returning to where she was. Before we knew it, they were wheeling us to a temporary recovery room so we could have a private moment as a family. I finally got to hold Tessa and try my hand at breastfeeding for the first time. After a little while they moved us to the maternity ward, and our family was able to come back and meet her. It was a really special time where many tears were shed and countless pictures were taken. I was reminded of when our parents and my brother came to the other hospital after Addie was born. By the time they arrived she had already died, but they still held her and marveled and cried (just for different reasons).

My baby girl was smiling at me!

After everyone left, reality set in as I tried to feed Tessa on the hospital's recommended 2-3 hour schedule. G and I didn't sleep that night, and I didn't sleep the next night either. Every time one of us would drift off, a nurse would come in to check me or Tessa. G had trouble settling down because whenever Tessa would make a noise or move, he was checking to make sure she was breathing. He was such a trooper and even though he was severely sleep deprived, he would hold Tessa so I could get some sleep. When I woke up, we would trade off, and he would try and sleep. Eventually, I told him he needed to go back to the house for a few hours during the day to get a shower (since hospitals gross him out) and take a nap where he wouldn't have to worry about either of us. He felt bad about leaving at first, but Mom was there with me every day as soon as visiting hours started and I told him he needed to go so that he could be rested enough to tackle the sleepless nights. Our second night in the hospital was probably the hardest, because Tessa screamed most of the night and we couldn't calm her down. She was still learning how to eat, and her little tummy was gassy. Humorously, G had to change all of her horrible meconium diapers, since my legs were numb for a long time (and I couldn't move around easily even after the feeling came back). So much for my promise to change all of her poopy diapers!

That Thursday, we were cleared to go home. Before we left, my OB came in and pulled out the stitch from the C-section (it still had surgical glue). They discharged us a little after lunchtime, and we were so glad to be home. Even Tessa seemed significantly more content. She would get really upset in the hospital if her arms were free from the swaddling blanket because the room was so cold, but our house was really warm, so she stretched out and seemed to relax right away. I found this funny because I dislike the cold so much, so I guess she does too! Most of the first week was spent in the hospital, and G worked half days the following week. Mom and my mother-in-law both came on different days to stay with me until he would get home. I got around much better, but still couldn't tackle much housework. It also helped to have someone else there who could hold Tessa or change her diaper so I could eat and go to the bathroom. Tessa was quick to catch on to breastfeeding in the hospital, and she did especially well after my milk came in the night we were discharged. The next two weeks were a blur of feedings, pediatrician appointments, and catching sleep whenever we could. She was a little jaundiced (I was too, when I was born), but we didn't need any treatment.

Motherhood surprised me. Even before I met G, I knew I wanted to put my babies on a schedule. I consider myself to be a rational and reasonably logical person, so I was caught off guard when I felt so emotional about Tessa. I wasn't prepared for the intense empathy I had for her, and I lost my resolve to do anything but hold her and feed her for a while. She was so little and helpless, and my heart broke every time she would cry. However, after a couple of weeks of on-demand feedings and sleepless nights, I knew things had to change. She had passed her birth weight by then and was growing well, and it would be best for all of us if we got a more structured routine established. That's what we've been working on since last Thursday, and she's doing a great job! She's still working on sleeping through the night, but we'll get there soon enough.

I feel like the Lord has used this pregnancy and the early weeks of parenthood to grow me a lot. God has shown me that when He throws a wrench in my plans, it's very likely because His plans are better. I've also realized how much of a control freak I really am, and I'm learning to let go and take things as they come.

We are grateful to all of you for your prayers and encouragement over the last year. It has meant so much to us!

"Many plans are in a man's heart, but the Lord's decree will prevail." -Proverbs 19:21

"For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulness endures through all generations." -Psalm 100:5

Second Pregnancy Update: 37 Weeks

37 Weeks!

Well, here we are! 37 weeks was the last major milestone we hoped to reach before Tessa arrives, and we made it! We're so thankful to God for getting us this far. If the Lord wills, and all goes well, we will be holding our little girl by this time in three days! THREE DAYS! That's so crazy. This has certainly been an emotional pregnancy for me, and not just because of the hormones. As much as I've loved being pregnant, I am so ready for a break.

I've felt a lot of things this week: excited, tired, bloated (all my pregnant mamas holla!). But in all seriousness (because I totally wasn't serious about the bloating...), I've also felt afraid. Fear of the unknown has always been something I've struggled with, and this week I've been afraid of experiencing complications during the surgery, of the possibility that God will ask us to give Him Tessa like He asked us to give Him Addie, and even of my own unexpected death. Could any - or all - of these things happen on Tuesday? Yes. We aren't promised tomorrow, and we aren't owed a long life. But you know what?

I'm not afraid now.

In my short years on this earth, I've noticed that the enemy works overtime when God is about to shake things up. And maybe whatever happens next week - good or bad - won't change the rest of the world. But it will change our world. As G and I head into our final weekend before Tessa arrives, another feeling rises up to replace the fear: hope.

"Now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." -Psalm 39:7

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God; my strong rock, my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge..." -Psalm 62: 5-8

"For You are my hope, Lord God, my confidence from my youth. I have leaned on You from birth; You took me from my mother's womb. My praise is always about You." -Psalm 71:5-6

"Listen, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Protect my life, for I am faithful. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant's life, since I set my hope on You, Lord." -Psalm 86:1-4

In the face of an uncertain future, I am at rest in the knowledge that God's plans will come to pass. Nothing can thwart them, nobody can change them, and He will be glorified. That's all we want, at the end of the day. If everything I could ever fear comes to pass, then to God be the glory. If things go perfectly, the surgery is without complications, and Tessa lives a long and healthy life in our care, then to God be the glory. Because when you know the God that I know, feel the amazing freedom in Christ that I have felt, and experience the overwhelming and undeserving love that I have experienced from the Creator of the universe, everything else fades away. Like the old hymn says:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus 
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 
In the light of His glory and grace

This will be the last update I post before Tessa arrives. I feel like I've been climbing a mountain for so long, and that the top is now in sight. What waits on the other side is still a mystery to me. The only thing I can see is the next step; the only thing I can hear is the call of God on the wind to trust Him and keep climbing.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. You satisfy me as with rich food; my mouth will praise You with joyful lips. When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches because You are my help; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me." -Psalm 63:1-8

Second Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

36 weeks and crazy hair!

Today we get to celebrate both Independence Day and reaching the last critical milestone of 36 weeks with this pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
I pretty much live in maternity sweats and pajama bottoms at this point. Anything else seems to put too much pressure on my lower abdomen, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Plus, Tessa pushes back against anything that touches my skin (even lightly), which makes everything feel tighter.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am in a really good place. At least once a week I will get a little bit weepy, but I think it's mostly because of pregnancy hormones, being tired, and just wanting to meet our baby already!

A Few Thoughts
We met with the perinatologist on Thursday, and he said he doesn't think we'll need to meet with him again (at least for this pregnancy). He told us two things that we were expecting to hear. The first is that Tessa is still breech. However, he seems to think that her little bottom is wedged down in my pelvis, which is why she hasn't really changed her orientation at all and why she hasn't turned. The possibility of her being stuck in that position was something I had wondered about many times, and having that suspicion confirmed was kind of a relief. At least I know I've done everything I could do to help her turn, and I really feel like she's tried very hard to do so over the last few weeks. Poor baby! Anyway, the second thing he told us is that we will need to schedule a cesarean. I think the Lord has been preparing me for this scenario, because I've felt in my heart for a while now that this is the path I will have to take. Fortunately, He helped me deal with my fears and insecurities before having that reality confirmed. It would have been a very hard blow to hear that news during the appointment if He had not. What a loving God.

While we figured Tessa was still breech and that the perinatologist would recommend a cesarean, we were surprised by several pieces of information. After taking careful measurements of Tessa and examining her closely himself, the perinatologist said it looked like her weight gain could be slowing down just a little bit. He doesn't put much stock in averages (unless something is very abnormal), but the average weight for babies at this point is about 5 1/2 pounds. Based on the measurements he took, Tessa seemed to be weighing in at 4 pounds 15 ounces. The perinatologist didn't seem to think this was a problem - especially since all of her other measurements were normal - but he did say that it's possible that the placenta is not getting as many nutrients to her at this point. My thoughts immediately went to my appetite over the last two weeks. For whatever reason, I haven't felt very hungry. Or if I was hungry, I didn't feel like eating. So I know I haven't eaten nearly as much as I should, and I definitely haven't been getting in the recommended 100g of protein a day. After hearing what he had to say about her weight gain though, I have picked up my eating again (even if it's lots of protein-packed snacks throughout the day). Hopefully that will help, but even if that isn't the cause, I'm relieved that the perinatologist wasn't concerned.

The other information that surprised us, is that he recommended the date for the cesarean be much sooner than what my OB had originally suggested. At my last appointment with her, she wanted to schedule it for July 24. I would have been 38 weeks and 6 days; just one day shy of the 39 week minimum set by the hospital for all C-sections (unless a doctor deems it medically necessary to have it earlier). Instead, the perinatologist said the surgery needs to be scheduled between 37 and 38 weeks. The risks to Tessa would increase as would the likelihood that I would go into labor if it is any later than that. He was very kind to me, and said that although he knew I wanted to labor naturally, I did extremely well to get this far in the pregnancy without any problems. He also encouraged me and said that just because I need to have a cesarean this time around doesn't mean I can't attempt a natural birth with future pregnancies. While Tessa could still turn before the surgery, he doesn't think it is very likely. Honestly, I don't think that's going to happen either. I'm okay with it at this point though, since I just want to hold her in my arms at last!

This Tuesday is the next appointment with my OB and since she has been very anxious about me going into labor with a breech baby, it wouldn't surprise me if she will want to schedule the surgery for as soon as possible. Either way, it won't be more than two weeks before our little girl arrives on the scene!

"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know [this] very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all [my] days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began." -Psalm 139:13-16

Second Pregnancy Update: 35 Weeks

35 Weeks!

I can't believe I'm only two weeks away from being considered full term!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My belly is starting to get pretty uncomfortable now. I still haven't felt any Braxton Hicks contractions (which is probably a good thing), but Tessa likes to push out a lot. When she does this, it makes my abdomen feel really tight.

Over the last week or so, I haven't really wanted to eat much. I still eat small meals and snacks as often as I can though, even if I'm not hungry. Oddly enough, the only time I've felt hungry recently is during the middle of the night. If this continues, I'll probably have to get some crackers or something to eat when I'm awake at that time.

I'm getting tired more quickly now, which is to be expected. Tasks that used to be nothing to me now seem more strenuous, and G has been very understanding. He's really great about noticing when I'm starting to lose energy, and he often encourages me to sit down and rest. He takes such good care of me.

A Few Thoughts
The GBS test results were negative at my appointment on Thursday, which is good. If Tessa decides to turn and I get to have her naturally, this means I won't need to be put on antibiotics (most of which I am allergic to anyway) when I arrive at the hospital. My OB seemed a little disheartened that Tessa is still breech, and she told me she feels like we need to schedule a cesarean soon. She assured me that although her only goals are a healthy mom and baby (which is what is most important to me as well), she understands my desire for a natural birth and said she wants that for me. She doesn't seem very confident about Tessa turning at this point though, and I think she's afraid of my cervix tearing if I suddenly go into labor. So unless Tessa has flipped by my perinatal appointment next week, she is going to try and schedule a cesarean for July 24. I'll be one day shy of 39 weeks on that day, and the hospital typically doesn't allow cesareans until 39 weeks. However, because of my unique situation and the danger of me going into labor while the cerclage is in and Tessa is breech, I am sure the hospital will allow it. If they don't for some reason, another doctor would probably have to perform the surgery because my OB will be out of town from 39-40 weeks. I asked what her thoughts were on an external cephalic version, and she said that although she does do them, she wouldn't recommend it for me. She said there is a risk in my case that the procedure could cause damage to the cervix, but recommended that I talk to the perinatologist and get his thoughts. He hasn't mentioned it as an option so far, but I do plan to ask him about it on Thursday. The success rate of an ECV is only 58%, and those odds aren't quite enough to quiet my doubts about trying that kind of procedure. I will certainly have a large list of things to ask him and discuss at the next appointment. Whether Tessa turns or not, it won't be much longer now until she joins us!

Second Pregnancy Update: 34 Weeks

34 Weeks (and one day, since this update is late)!

Another huge milestone has been reached this week! My BabyCenter email update said that if there are no unforeseen health problems, 99% of babies born between 34 and 37 weeks survive and go on to live normal lives as they grow. Thank you, Lord!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Sleep is still unpredictable but since we're getting close, I've just decided to sleep whenever I can - whether that's napping during the day, sleeping in late, or getting rest at night. Tessa has been more active in the last seven days she has ever been, and sometimes her crazy acrobatics keep me awake. I don't mind though!

A Few Thoughts
Thurday's perinatal appointment went well. Although Tessa is still breech, my perinatologist seemed very confident that she has plenty of room to move around and that she will get into the right position soon. There was little to no change in the cervix, to our relief. We also learned that if Tessa does not turn by 36 weeks, I can continue to take the progesterone pills. This eased my mind, since I suspect they have been doing a lot to prevent premature labor. Until my next appointment on the second, I am doing whatever I can to encourage her to turn around.

[Deep breath.]

I've struggled this week.

God has shown me the reasons I've had so much frustration with this pregnancy, and why I've been so fearful about things not going according to plan. On some level of my subconscious I think I already knew what my problem was, but He chose this week to bring it to the surface for me to deal with. Not next week. Not after Tessa is born. Now.

After I decided to face these issues head-on, the Lord brought a song to my mind that I hadn't heard in years. The chorus played in my head one night while I couldn't sleep and when I listened to the entire song the next day, I was speechless. It perfectly described what I have been feeling and struggling with spiritually. It's called Surrender by BarlowGirl, and if you don't have time to listen to the song, I'll post the lyrics below the video for you to read.

(Verse 1)

My hands hold safely to my dreams.

Clutching tightly, not one has fallen.

So many years I've shaped each one,

Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.

Now You're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly.

Can't open my hands,

Can't let go.

Does it matter? Should I show You?

Can't You let me go?

(Chorus)

"Surrender, Surrender,"

You whisper gently.

You say I will be free.

I know, but can't You see?

My dreams are me.

My dreams are me.

(Verse 2)

You say You have a plan for me,

And that You want the best for my life.

Told me the world had yet to see

What You can do with 

One that's committed to Your call.

I know of course what I should do;

That I can't hold these dreams forever.

If I give them now to You,

Will You take them away forever

Or can I dream again?

"Surrender."

This week, God showed me that I've been looking for my identity and value in the dreams He has given me instead of in Christ. Since I was a little girl I've felt God calling me to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. He gave me a heart for marriage, for children, and for the home and I've been preparing for that life from the first moment I heard His call. Eventually, who I am became defined by the goals I was working toward; things like saving my first kiss for my wedding day, being a virgin on my wedding night, marrying a godly man who loved Jesus more than He loved me, getting to manage our home and use it as a hub for ministry, and raising lots of children who will share Christ's love with the world. Although most of these things have happened or are currently happening, they certainly didn't happen the way I expected them to. Some things don't look anything like the picture I had in my head when I was growing up. But to my surprise, they turned out so much better than what I had imagined. I've walked through life telling God that I wanted Him to use me for His glory, and that I wanted His will - not mine - to be done. While I have always been sincere in my request, I've realized that sometimes (okay, most of the time) I only want God's will to be done if His will is the same as mine. That's not how it works, though. 

The reality is that my dreams don't define me: Christ defines me. His plan - whatever that may be - will always be accomplished and because I have a relationship with Him, I get to be involved in that process. It won't necessarily look the way I expect it to, but God has proven to me time and time again that His way is the best way. Tessa could flip tomorrow and I could go on to experience the natural birth I really want to have, or she could stay where she is so comfortably situated and I could have to have a C-section. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am no less valuable to God, or less useful to Him just because things don't go the way I planned. What matters is that things go according to His plan (they will); and whether or not I choose to take an active role in the process. I didn't plan on giving birth to my first child prematurely, nor did I plan to give her back to the Lord so soon after she was born. But after seeing the way the Lord used Addie's little life and the painful situation in which we found ourselves, I can confidently say that His will was best in spite of not being what I would have chosen. This has proven to be true in every other situation I've experienced in life, and it is still true now. 

Like BarlowGirl says in their song, I cannot hold onto my dreams with a clenched fist. To let them go means acknowledging the possibility that they may never be fulfilled in the way I think they should be. But God is a good and loving Father that delights in giving good gifts to His children, so I choose to trust Him and follow His leading once again. He has never led me astray. I feel like God has asked, "Will you trust me even if these dreams don't come true? If I ask you to let them go, will you still follow Me?" I can only answer "Yes, Lord" and trust that He will give me the strength to let go, whether He gives me new dreams or fulfills the ones I already have. So today, right now, I choose to open my hands and give Him everything. I choose not to worry or wring my hands in frustration for one more second, because I know with certainty that God is working all things out. The unknown doesn't have to be scary because it is not unknown to God. The future is laid out before Him and He sees all parts of it. There is nobody more worthy of my trust and confidence than Him.

I am not defined by what I do or don't accomplish, but by Who I know.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge. Selah" -Psalm 62:8

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You." -Psalm 143:8

Second Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks

33 Weeks!

This has been a busy week, and there's a lot to put in this update. Here we go!

Pregnancy Updates
I feel so big! Tessa has been moving around a lot, but as far as I can tell she still hasn't moved into the correct position. If she has, I don't think she's stayed there. If she has that much room to wiggle around though, I don't think she's stuck in a breech position.

My joints get sore very quickly, especially in my hips. Even if I didn't have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom, I think the soreness would still wake me up. Usually all I have to do is walk around the house for a few minutes to stretch everything out, and I am able to go back to sleep unless Baby Girl decides it's her turn to move.

It's gotten harder in the last week to eat regular-sized meals. I guess it's because there isn't much room around my stomach! When I eat what I consider to be a normal amount of food, I become useless for the next couple of hours because I can't move. Eating smaller meals more often might be the way to go for me at this point. That's what all of the pregnancy books and websites recommend anyway.

A Few Thoughts
The first baby shower (hosted by my mom) took place on Sunday and it was wonderful! So many friends came that I am not able to see regularly anymore, and they gave such beautiful and generous gifts. We drove home with a full car and even fuller hearts. The shower was held at the church where G and I got married, which is also where we buried Adelyn, so the event had a special sacredness to it. The last time we gathered there with friends and family was for Addie's memorial service, so it was a real joy to be there again for happier reasons. We visited Addie's grave before we left, and it seemed strange to be looking down at the place where the tiny body of our firstborn was laid to rest while being so very pregnant with her little sister. We want to bring Tessa to the gravesite someday.

My OB appointment went well on Thursday. She said I had lost a little weight, but she wasn't concerned about it because Tessa's most recent ultrasound measurements were normal. Personally, I don't put much stock in how much weight is gained or lost anyway. So many little things can effect scale readings, from the clothes and shoes I wear to how much I ate before my appointment. I occasionally weigh myself at home, and there has been a steady increase since I gained back the weight I lost during the first trimester. Weight always fluctuates day to day even during pregnancy, so I'm not a bit worried. I decided a long time ago not to worry about my weight anyway. Life is too short for that nonsense!

During the appointment we discussed the latest date I could schedule a cesarean if the cerclage has to stay in, which is what will happen if Tessa doesn't turn. She suspects that if I go into labor with the stitches still in that things will start happening very quickly, and she wants to do whatever is necessary to keep me from tearing. However, she did say that the latest she would want to wait is 39 weeks - both because of the danger of sudden and quick labor and because she will apparently be on vacation the week before my due date. I'm okay with scheduling a cesarean at 39 weeks (for reasons I'll share shortly), but I won't do it just to make my doctor's vacation convenient. This little baby is my priority! However, I do share her concerns about things happening very suddenly if I were to go into labor with the cerclage still intact. Regardless of whether or not I have it removed at 36 weeks, I will stop taking progesterone. If I could keep taking it beyond that date, I would be perfectly fine. I think that the progesterone, based on the shortening that took place during the week when I switched medication, has played a very important part in keeping premature labor at bay. The problem is that I don't think I am supposed to continue taking it beyond 36 weeks. If I stop taking it and still have the stitches, I'm concerned that I will go into labor in the week that follows. This could cause my cervix to tear and risk a breech birth if things progress too quickly, resulting in a much earlier C-section. Fortunately, both my OB and perinatologist are very optimistic about Tessa's state of health if she does come early.

I'm really having to let go of my need to control this situation and trust God. It's so difficult, even though I know He has everything in His hands and that His plan is the best one. As strange as it sounds, the Lord has been showing me that I've made an idol out of having a natural, unmedicated birth. What's even more ridiculous is that I've been believing in my mind that a natural, unmedicated birth will somehow bring more glory to God than if I were to have a C-section. That's crazy, and I can't know that anyway! Whatever happens - good or bad, ideal or not, God allows to happen because He will be most glorified. It's not like God's sitting up there on the edge of His throne, biting His nails and thinking, "Gosh, I hope she doesn't have to have a cesarean, because then I won't get as much glory!" Like I said, crazy. Do you ever have moments where you weren't fully aware of something in your heart or life until you read your own writing? Yeah, that just happened to me right this second. What psychotic imaginative ways I have of stressing myself out!

Anyway, a sweet friend from our LifeGroups hosted the second baby shower today. I had such an amazing time! Her attention to detail was obvious, and the time and effort she put into making it special for me was humbling. The environment was peaceful, comfortable, and fun, and I had plenty of time to catch up with other ladies from church. I was struck again by the kindness and generosity of the amazing friends the Lord has brought into my life. It's hard to believe that there is only one more shower before our little girl gets here!

Things are falling into place quickly now. We're finally in our room (and have been since Memorial Day Weekend), our closet finished and in use, Tessa's room has been painted, we've finished our birthing classes, and the hospital back is packed (though I will probably unpack and repack it again several more times). Soon, Tessa Finley!

"For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulness endures through all generations." -Psalm 100:5

Second Pregnancy Update: 32 Weeks

32 Weeks!

Another important pregnancy mile marker has been reached! Thank you, Lord.

Pregnancy Symptoms
It seems like one week I will get plenty of sleep, and the next week I won't get much at all. This week held very little sleep for me because of hourly trips to the bathroom, difficulty finding a comfortable position with this [seemingly] ginormous belly, and Tessa's really strong (and very uncomfortable) movements every night. It's not even her kicks and punches that hurt, but the random stretching and changing positions.

My belly was sort of tucked underneath the table during dinner last night, and Tessa chose that moment to push up and out (like she frequently does). As a result, I got wedged between my legs and the table, and had to pry myself out. Who gets their belly stuck under a table? Apparently me (and probably other pregnant women too)! Honestly though, that sounds like something that would happen to me when I'm not pregnant...

A Few Thoughts
I was really nervous about Thursday's perinatal appointment. Though I expected to learn that my cervix had continued to shorten, we found out that there had been no change since the last appointment! We were surprised and relieved. Tessa is still breech, but that wasn't news to me. I can tell by where she's kicking me that she hasn't moved yet. She seems content to stay in an upright position for the time being, though I am really hoping she turns before 36 weeks. The perinatologist said if she is still breech by then, we will schedule a C-section and my OB will monitor her weekly to see if she moves. If she turns before the scheduled surgery date, the perinatologist will take the cerclage out and things can progress normally. We're definitely hoping and praying that she turns, but even if she doesn't, I've decided not to get upset about it. At this point, I'll just be happy to have a healthy baby girl safely in my arms!

Tessa's nose and Angelina Jolie lips!

Tessa's little face (sideways)!

"Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation! Let us enter His presence with thanksgiving; let us shout triumphantly to Him in song. For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods. The depths of the earth are in His hand, and the mountain peaks are His. The sea is His; He made it. His hands formed the dry land. Come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, the sheep under His care..." -Psalm 95:1-7

Second Pregnancy Update: 31 Weeks

31 Weeks and wearing a shirt that says "Feed Me
And Tell Me I'm Pretty," which is pretty much
relevant for my life regardless of pregnancy.

We're one week away from another important milestone (reaching 32 weeks) in the pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My abdominal muscles are consistently uncomfortable now. Tessa is getting bigger every day, and I already feel like I'm out of room in there! Her frequent movements are often accompanied by pain or discomfort in my ligaments, and her position at any moment determines how easily I am able to get around. Though I haven't noticed much swelling yet, my feet are pretty sore in the evenings regardless of my activity level that day.

Occasionally Tessa will move a certain way and I will feel a sharp pain deep in my right hip. It only lasts for a second and it doesn't travel down my leg, so I don't think it's sciatic nerve pain. However she's certainly pressing on some nerve when that happens! I've found that the best thing for me to do is switch sides while I'm sleeping or sitting. That usually resolves the problem. I've also experienced more pain in my hips at night. Sometimes I wake up because my hips feel so sore, and if both hips hurt at the same time I have to stretch out the muscles before I can get comfortable again. The pain isn't unbearable though, so aside from being inconvenient it hasn't really caused any problems.

A Few Thoughts
Thursday's appointment with my OB went very well. I shared what the perinatologist told us last week, and we spent a few minutes looking over a copy of my birth plan that I brought with me. She's going to be out of town on vacation until June 7th, and she jokingly said I'm "not allowed" to go into labor while she's gone. She urged me not to do anything (no exercise, avoiding strenuous activities, and not doing anything "crazy") until she gets back. So I'm going to stay home and take it easy as much as possible over the next couple of weeks in the hopes that nothing will trigger labor or put unnecessary strain on my cervix.

I see the perinatologist again on June 4th, and I'm hoping there we will find little or no change in the cervix since my last appointment. Baby showers are starting very soon and as long as I'm not put on bed rest, I should be able to attend all of them. How crazy is it that May is almost over and June is about to be here? Regardless of whether she comes early, on time, or late, we'll be meeting our Tessa very soon!

"The Lord values those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His faithful love." -Psalm 147:11

Second Pregnancy Update: 30 Weeks

30 Weeks!

I'm 30 weeks and two days today, and time is flying by! I meant to post this update on Saturday, but the weekend was busy so I didn't get to it until today.

Pregnancy Symptoms

Although the new type of progesterone makes me sleepy, it's actually been very convenient. The medicine I took in the first trimester would knock me out for a few hours, and then I would be wide awake for several hours in the middle of the night. This medicine did that the first night, but since then I have slept very well. I still wake up once or twice, but I have no problems going back to sleep again and I usually feel very rested the next morning.

Early in the pregnancy, I noticed my tongue was starting to look abnormal. Because I drink a lot of hot tea and enjoy soup all year around, I assumed for a long time that I just kept burning my mouth (yes, I'm that clumsy). Acidic foods would aggravate it and make it more painful, and there were pink and white patchy spots scattered on the surface. It wasn't until recently that I realized it might be related to pregnancy hormones or a new allergy. After doing some research, I discovered that what I am experiencing is called "geographic tongue." It can be a sign of dehydration or a food allergy, so I began drinking more water and paying attention to whether or not certain foods made it worse. It wasn't until I switched to my new progesterone that it got noticeably better. After a few days the geographic tongue came back, so I'm pretty sure it's a mild reaction to the progesterone. If I'm correct, then the issue should quickly correct itself when I come off of the medication. We'll see!

A Few Thoughts

We found out from my perinatologist on Thursday that my cervix has shortened in the two weeks since my previous appointment. It wasn't really bad news, but it wasn't ideal either. Because of what happened last time with Addie, he wasn't really too surprised. The good news is that the cervix is still firm and there is no stress on the stitches, but there is some concern that I could go into premature labor before the cerclage comes out. He told us that because the cervix has shortened, he will be removing the stitches at 36 weeks. It's crazy to think that I only have six more weeks with the cerclage. That's not a long time; and though it may not happen, I could go into labor with Tessa the same day or shortly after it's removed! Our baby girl could be joining us very soon! The perinatologist told us that if I go into labor in the next few weeks, then the objective will be to stop the labor. G and I are praying that she waits just a little bit longer before she tries to join us. Just six more weeks, Baby Girl!

The ultrasound technician at the perinatal appointment revealed that Tessa is (still or once again) breech. Even my OB thought she was [mostly] head down, and I think she was, but she's reverted to her former position. This was discouraging news for me because I really want to avoid having a C-section. If I arrive at 36 weeks and she is still breech, the perinatologist won't remove the cerclage. At that point, I'm sure discussions about cesareans will begin. Because she moves so much, I'm still hopeful that she can and will get into the correct position (and stay there) over the next few weeks. In the meantime, I'm continuing to do my birthing class exercises as much as possible to help encourage her to move. 

New pictures!

Nose and lips (sideways).

Honestly, I was really discouraged after Thursday's appointment. It seems that I keep having to relearn the lesson about letting go of expectations and trusting God with whatever comes my way. My aunt reminded me on the phone last night that the worst already happened. Ending up with a C-section or drugs, while not what I would want, is no where near as big of a deal as losing your child. That already happened, and even if it were to happen again unexpectedly with Tessa, I know from experience that God will not leave us. He got us through the worst once, and He can - and would - do it again. Since I'm so far along now, it's not likely that history would repeat itself (unless she were born with a fatal condition that we weren't aware of). My aunt also wisely said that fear is often simply incorrect belief. The more I thought about that, the more profound that definition became. So in an attempt to correct my belief, here's some of my biggest fears regarding my pregnancy with Tessa:

• That I will go into labor before the cerclage is removed, my cervix would tear (and it would be extremely painful), and that it would be difficult or impossible to install a standard cerclage for any future pregnancies (which would mean a transabdominal cerclage - something I hope I never have to get).
• That Tessa will stay breech and I will have to have a C-section, resulting in drugs (that could harm Tessa or her development), a long and painful recovery, and issues from the surgery that can never be resolved (such as recurring back problems from the epidural, permanent tenderness or muscle weakness at the incision site, etc.).

What's the incorrect belief that all of these fears stem from? I think, on some level, I've been believing that my plan and the way I want things to go is better than whatever God's plan is, which could be (and often is) completely different. Reading that makes me see how silly that is. Sure, God's plan might be something I wouldn't have chosen but His plan is always better than ours, even if it doesn't seem like it at first. It's good to be reminded of what you already know every now and then. Why is it so easy to get focused on things that really aren't going to matter in light of eternity? It's funny how quickly we forget what is really important in life. 

I think that because I had no control over what happened with Addie, I've been subconsciously clinging to the things I feel like I should be able to control instead of living in the knowledge that God is the one who has all of the control. Even if everything I am afraid of ends up happening, that won't surprise God. His plan, whatever it is, will not be thwarted. And because He loves me, I can rest in the knowledge that He is working all things together for my good and His glory. Since His glory is what I want more than anything anyway (even when I get caught up in trivial things and forget), then that's enough for me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord, and He turned to me and heard my cry for help. He brought me up from a desolate pit, out of the muddy clay, and set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. How happy is the man who has put his trust in the Lord and has not turned to the proud or to those who run after lies! Lord my God, You have done many things- Your wonderful works and Your plans for us; none can compare with You. If I were to report and speak [of them], they are more than can be told." -Psalm 40:1-5