Second Pregnancy Update: 34 Weeks

34 Weeks (and one day, since this update is late)!

Another huge milestone has been reached this week! My BabyCenter email update said that if there are no unforeseen health problems, 99% of babies born between 34 and 37 weeks survive and go on to live normal lives as they grow. Thank you, Lord!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Sleep is still unpredictable but since we're getting close, I've just decided to sleep whenever I can - whether that's napping during the day, sleeping in late, or getting rest at night. Tessa has been more active in the last seven days she has ever been, and sometimes her crazy acrobatics keep me awake. I don't mind though!

A Few Thoughts
Thurday's perinatal appointment went well. Although Tessa is still breech, my perinatologist seemed very confident that she has plenty of room to move around and that she will get into the right position soon. There was little to no change in the cervix, to our relief. We also learned that if Tessa does not turn by 36 weeks, I can continue to take the progesterone pills. This eased my mind, since I suspect they have been doing a lot to prevent premature labor. Until my next appointment on the second, I am doing whatever I can to encourage her to turn around.

[Deep breath.]

I've struggled this week.

God has shown me the reasons I've had so much frustration with this pregnancy, and why I've been so fearful about things not going according to plan. On some level of my subconscious I think I already knew what my problem was, but He chose this week to bring it to the surface for me to deal with. Not next week. Not after Tessa is born. Now.

After I decided to face these issues head-on, the Lord brought a song to my mind that I hadn't heard in years. The chorus played in my head one night while I couldn't sleep and when I listened to the entire song the next day, I was speechless. It perfectly described what I have been feeling and struggling with spiritually. It's called Surrender by BarlowGirl, and if you don't have time to listen to the song, I'll post the lyrics below the video for you to read.

(Verse 1)

My hands hold safely to my dreams.

Clutching tightly, not one has fallen.

So many years I've shaped each one,

Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.

Now You're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly.

Can't open my hands,

Can't let go.

Does it matter? Should I show You?

Can't You let me go?

(Chorus)

"Surrender, Surrender,"

You whisper gently.

You say I will be free.

I know, but can't You see?

My dreams are me.

My dreams are me.

(Verse 2)

You say You have a plan for me,

And that You want the best for my life.

Told me the world had yet to see

What You can do with 

One that's committed to Your call.

I know of course what I should do;

That I can't hold these dreams forever.

If I give them now to You,

Will You take them away forever

Or can I dream again?

"Surrender."

This week, God showed me that I've been looking for my identity and value in the dreams He has given me instead of in Christ. Since I was a little girl I've felt God calling me to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. He gave me a heart for marriage, for children, and for the home and I've been preparing for that life from the first moment I heard His call. Eventually, who I am became defined by the goals I was working toward; things like saving my first kiss for my wedding day, being a virgin on my wedding night, marrying a godly man who loved Jesus more than He loved me, getting to manage our home and use it as a hub for ministry, and raising lots of children who will share Christ's love with the world. Although most of these things have happened or are currently happening, they certainly didn't happen the way I expected them to. Some things don't look anything like the picture I had in my head when I was growing up. But to my surprise, they turned out so much better than what I had imagined. I've walked through life telling God that I wanted Him to use me for His glory, and that I wanted His will - not mine - to be done. While I have always been sincere in my request, I've realized that sometimes (okay, most of the time) I only want God's will to be done if His will is the same as mine. That's not how it works, though. 

The reality is that my dreams don't define me: Christ defines me. His plan - whatever that may be - will always be accomplished and because I have a relationship with Him, I get to be involved in that process. It won't necessarily look the way I expect it to, but God has proven to me time and time again that His way is the best way. Tessa could flip tomorrow and I could go on to experience the natural birth I really want to have, or she could stay where she is so comfortably situated and I could have to have a C-section. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am no less valuable to God, or less useful to Him just because things don't go the way I planned. What matters is that things go according to His plan (they will); and whether or not I choose to take an active role in the process. I didn't plan on giving birth to my first child prematurely, nor did I plan to give her back to the Lord so soon after she was born. But after seeing the way the Lord used Addie's little life and the painful situation in which we found ourselves, I can confidently say that His will was best in spite of not being what I would have chosen. This has proven to be true in every other situation I've experienced in life, and it is still true now. 

Like BarlowGirl says in their song, I cannot hold onto my dreams with a clenched fist. To let them go means acknowledging the possibility that they may never be fulfilled in the way I think they should be. But God is a good and loving Father that delights in giving good gifts to His children, so I choose to trust Him and follow His leading once again. He has never led me astray. I feel like God has asked, "Will you trust me even if these dreams don't come true? If I ask you to let them go, will you still follow Me?" I can only answer "Yes, Lord" and trust that He will give me the strength to let go, whether He gives me new dreams or fulfills the ones I already have. So today, right now, I choose to open my hands and give Him everything. I choose not to worry or wring my hands in frustration for one more second, because I know with certainty that God is working all things out. The unknown doesn't have to be scary because it is not unknown to God. The future is laid out before Him and He sees all parts of it. There is nobody more worthy of my trust and confidence than Him.

I am not defined by what I do or don't accomplish, but by Who I know.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge. Selah" -Psalm 62:8

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You." -Psalm 143:8