Third Pregnancy Update - 37 Weeks

Have you ever had a moment where you were just in awe of God and His goodness? That's where I am today. By His grace, we reached 37 weeks with Ella yesterday!

37 weeks, 1 day!

Before starting this post, I went back and reread the update I posted at 37 weeks with Tessa. It was neat to see how much has changed and how much is the same this time around. My pregnancy with Tessa was filled with so much stress and uncertainty overall, whereas this pregnancy has held nothing but peace and excitement. Like last time, I am tired. I feel big and uncomfortable, but this time I have a lot of pelvic pain (probably because Ella has dropped).

How I'm Doing Physically

Over the last week, I've had several sessions of "labor practice" where I had semi-regular contractions for two hours straight. The first practice session had a lot of contractions, but they were all painless and fairly irregular, lasting 30-40 seconds - a couple being longer or shorter than that. The second session was several days later, and I started feeling discomfort in my back as well as my mid and upper abdomen (something I had yet to experience in any of my pregnancies), and most of the contractions were under 10 minutes apart and lasted for 60 seconds. Yesterday evening, just before dinner, a third practice session began. It went on, as expected, for about two hours before stopping. The first half hour had regular contractions every 5-6 minutes that lasted 60 seconds or more. I felt them in my back as well as all over my abdomen, and they were the most uncomfortable they had been so far. Still nothing painful, and I didn't end up calling because I never saw the signs my midwife told me to look for, but I can sense we're getting close to the real thing!

Tomorrow is a really big day, because if Ella is still head down, I will be getting the cerclage out! We've really been praying that the Lord would keep her in until after the appointment, because then everything should be smooth sailing after that. She can come whenever she likes, and I won't have to worry about the stitches still being in place. So if you think about us around 3pm tomorrow, we would really appreciate your prayers! We will really be surprised if there's not a baby in our arms before next week, but God works in mysterious ways and He will bring her into the world in His perfect timing.

How I'm Doing Emotionally

This has been the week for hormones, but most of what I've been feeling has been positive. I'm so excited to meet this baby girl, and so humbled by God's goodness to us - whatever the outcome. There have been a few moments when I felt anxious and played the "what if" game:

• What if I don't get to have my natural birth again?
• What if something goes wrong and God calls Ella home like He did with Addie?
• What if she surprises us all and stays put until my due date, resulting in a medically unnecessary cesarean?

These fears never stick around long, because I remind myself of God's sovereignty over all things. Of two things I am certain: He loves me, and He knows what's best for me. If any of those things were to happen, I can rest secure in those truths. He has been so faithful and good to us; how can I doubt that He will be so this time as well? It's hard to hold onto dreams with an open hand, but I know whatever happens is part of His perfect will. That's enough for me. I'm just glad to be involved in the process!

Interestingly enough, I have thought about Adelyn a lot lately. As I picture what my birth experience with Ella will be like, I've found myself going back and remembering everything that happened with Addie. Maybe it's because I long for a natural birth, and Addie was born naturally. I find myself replaying that evening often, remembering what I saw and felt. You'd think it would make me sad, but it doesn't. Addie was still born, and she's still my child even though I haven't been given the privilege and responsibility of raising her like I have with Tessa. I love talking about her and remembering, even if the memories aren't very happy ones. 

There is one thing in particular that I long for as I hope for a positive and joyful birth experience. I want so badly to feel something - anything - when Ella is born. God told me in the hospital with Addie how the evening was going to end, so I was prepared for crisis mode. I felt peace, but nothing else - good or bad - even as I held that tiny girl in my arms. With Tessa, I had drugs in my system for the cesarean that prevented me from feeling any emotion, even when I heard her cry after being delivered. I had ached for that cry since I didn't get one with Addie, and I couldn't react to it at all. Both times, I just held my babies and looked down at them, not feeling anything but curiosity. My thoughts were literally, "This is a baby. I carried her inside me, and now she's in my arms." Just facts, void of emotion. The things I've ended up missing and grieving over are not what I would have expected. And maybe I'm one of those people that doesn't get a flood of emotion and parental love right away. It comes eventually, and doesn't mean I don't love my babies. It would just be neat to have that type of experience. However, I have given it to the Lord and will not make an idol of it. When I stop and really give it some thought, I will just be overjoyed and relieved to have Ella here at last!

How I'm Doing Spiritually

God is good, and I have so much peace. G does too. Neither of us are worried, even in moments when I am trying to relax through contractions or when we are thinking about holding Ella.

"You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You." -Isaiah 26:3

As Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I've got to say about that." Glory to God.

What's Left To Do?
G has some projects he's been working on around the house that he is trying to finish up, but it's not a big deal if they don't get done. The crib is in our room and ready to go, and the hospital bags are in the car. I printed out and laminated some Scriptures to read if I get weary during labor, and I downloaded the Hidden In My Heart Scripture Lullabies albums and put them into a labor playlist on my phone. They really help calm my mind and body, and I think they will help me focus and relax during contractions. All of my paperwork is finished and submitted, so we're pretty much as ready as we'll ever be. This may very well be my last post before Ella joins us! Thank you so for your prayers!