Has it really been four weeks since everything happened with Addie? As strange as it sounds, it seems like years have passed instead of weeks. Actually, most of the time it feels like it didn't happen at all; that it was just a dream I had, or something I saw in a movie or read in a book. I think, "Surely that happened to someone else." But then I see the box with her things, or the candle that my sister-in-law decorated with her name on it, or the dishes that recently held a warm dinner from thoughtful friends waiting to be returned, and I am reminded that it really did happen - and it happened to us. Then I close my eyes and I can replay with perfect detail the moments when she would start kicking. I remember what it felt like, and how it made me feel. I remember her perfect, doll-like face that looked so peaceful and beautiful. That was our baby. Then my mind will move from the pleasant memories to the more painful ones; the awful back labor, waiting for what felt like an eternity for the nurse to come in when G called her and said Addie was coming out, and the look of surprise when she finally did arrive and discovered that I was right. I remember being unable to react emotionally to seeing my husband and our families weep and mourn. And I remember G and I alone in the delivery room with Addie as we kissed and hugged her, and said our tearful goodbyes.
It's weird to think that if she had lived, she would already be four weeks old (and a month old on Sunday). I'm not naive enough to think that every year on her birthday, every holiday, and every 23rd week of any future pregnancies won't be spent thinking of her and wondering what she would have been like. Would she have liked ruffles, lace, and tea parties, or would she have preferred to climb trees, play paintball, or catch bugs? I liked all of it, so maybe she would have been like me. Or maybe she would have been like G, liking to build things, move around, and work on cars.
Things aren't as gloomy as they seem, though. I truly can write all of this with a light heart! There are things I won't get to experience with Addie, but I don't feel as though I have been robbed. She was God's before I ever knew she existed, and you can't steal something that already belongs to you. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on the life she could have had. Yes, I will wonder what if from time to time. But God is always good, and He knows what is best. Job 14:5 says that the number of months and days are determined by God, and that He has set limits on our lives that we cannot pass. Addie's life wasn't wasted, nor do I believe it was cut short. She lived exactly as long as she was supposed to, and every second of her life glorified God. I want the same to be said about me someday.
Physically, I think I'm back to the way I was before I was pregnant. Until week 3 postpartum, I didn't notice anything weird with my hormones. Then came the smell...the kind of smelly smell that smells smelly. I would get a whiff of myself and think, "Gross. I just showered! I shouldn't smell like this!" Fortunately it was only temporary, and now I don't have to put on my husband's deodorant or walk around with my arms pinned to my side all day like a penguin. I also noticed more of my hair would fall out if I brushed it. It's not like it was coming out in clumps or anything, but there were definitely more loose strands when I would wash or style it. I think it's almost back to normal, though. Emotionally, G and I are both doing extremely well. I know some people will just say that because they don't want people to know how much they are struggling, but I promise that I'm being honest! I have been a little grouchier this week, and would get agitated about little things for no reason, but I think that it is just the hormones (which seem to be leveling out now). Most of the time I feel perfectly normal.
I think I am going to check out different hospitals and doctors if I get pregnant again, so I've been compiling a list of questions to ask them. Though I really did love the midwives that I went to with Addie, I want to see what my options are. Right now, I'm wrestling with the question of whether or not it's worth me having to use that hospital again (which I did not like) so I can use the same midwives (who I liked a whole lot), or if it would be best for me to go elsewhere. G and I are open to whatever the Lord has planned for our future (whether that means I get pregnant again quickly or not), so there is no time like the present to be thinking about these things. I have another postpartum checkup on the 30th, so I will probably have more information to work with after that.
Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. They keep us going when we have hard days, and feed our hope in the fact that God is working all things together for our good and His glory.
"Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established." -Proverbs 4:25-26
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