Second Pregnancy Update: 37 Weeks

37 Weeks!

Well, here we are! 37 weeks was the last major milestone we hoped to reach before Tessa arrives, and we made it! We're so thankful to God for getting us this far. If the Lord wills, and all goes well, we will be holding our little girl by this time in three days! THREE DAYS! That's so crazy. This has certainly been an emotional pregnancy for me, and not just because of the hormones. As much as I've loved being pregnant, I am so ready for a break.

I've felt a lot of things this week: excited, tired, bloated (all my pregnant mamas holla!). But in all seriousness (because I totally wasn't serious about the bloating...), I've also felt afraid. Fear of the unknown has always been something I've struggled with, and this week I've been afraid of experiencing complications during the surgery, of the possibility that God will ask us to give Him Tessa like He asked us to give Him Addie, and even of my own unexpected death. Could any - or all - of these things happen on Tuesday? Yes. We aren't promised tomorrow, and we aren't owed a long life. But you know what?

I'm not afraid now.

In my short years on this earth, I've noticed that the enemy works overtime when God is about to shake things up. And maybe whatever happens next week - good or bad - won't change the rest of the world. But it will change our world. As G and I head into our final weekend before Tessa arrives, another feeling rises up to replace the fear: hope.

"Now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You." -Psalm 39:7

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God; my strong rock, my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge..." -Psalm 62: 5-8

"For You are my hope, Lord God, my confidence from my youth. I have leaned on You from birth; You took me from my mother's womb. My praise is always about You." -Psalm 71:5-6

"Listen, Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Protect my life, for I am faithful. You are my God; save Your servant who trusts in You. Be gracious to me, Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant's life, since I set my hope on You, Lord." -Psalm 86:1-4

In the face of an uncertain future, I am at rest in the knowledge that God's plans will come to pass. Nothing can thwart them, nobody can change them, and He will be glorified. That's all we want, at the end of the day. If everything I could ever fear comes to pass, then to God be the glory. If things go perfectly, the surgery is without complications, and Tessa lives a long and healthy life in our care, then to God be the glory. Because when you know the God that I know, feel the amazing freedom in Christ that I have felt, and experience the overwhelming and undeserving love that I have experienced from the Creator of the universe, everything else fades away. Like the old hymn says:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus 
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim 
In the light of His glory and grace

This will be the last update I post before Tessa arrives. I feel like I've been climbing a mountain for so long, and that the top is now in sight. What waits on the other side is still a mystery to me. The only thing I can see is the next step; the only thing I can hear is the call of God on the wind to trust Him and keep climbing.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"God, You are my God; I eagerly seek You. I thirst for You; my body faints for You in a land that is dry, desolate, and without water. So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory. My lips will glorify You because Your faithful love is better than life. So I will praise You as long as I live; at Your name, I will lift up my hands. You satisfy me as with rich food; my mouth will praise You with joyful lips. When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches because You are my help; I will rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I follow close to You; Your right hand holds on to me." -Psalm 63:1-8

Second Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

36 weeks and crazy hair!

Today we get to celebrate both Independence Day and reaching the last critical milestone of 36 weeks with this pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
I pretty much live in maternity sweats and pajama bottoms at this point. Anything else seems to put too much pressure on my lower abdomen, and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Plus, Tessa pushes back against anything that touches my skin (even lightly), which makes everything feel tighter.

Emotionally and spiritually, I am in a really good place. At least once a week I will get a little bit weepy, but I think it's mostly because of pregnancy hormones, being tired, and just wanting to meet our baby already!

A Few Thoughts
We met with the perinatologist on Thursday, and he said he doesn't think we'll need to meet with him again (at least for this pregnancy). He told us two things that we were expecting to hear. The first is that Tessa is still breech. However, he seems to think that her little bottom is wedged down in my pelvis, which is why she hasn't really changed her orientation at all and why she hasn't turned. The possibility of her being stuck in that position was something I had wondered about many times, and having that suspicion confirmed was kind of a relief. At least I know I've done everything I could do to help her turn, and I really feel like she's tried very hard to do so over the last few weeks. Poor baby! Anyway, the second thing he told us is that we will need to schedule a cesarean. I think the Lord has been preparing me for this scenario, because I've felt in my heart for a while now that this is the path I will have to take. Fortunately, He helped me deal with my fears and insecurities before having that reality confirmed. It would have been a very hard blow to hear that news during the appointment if He had not. What a loving God.

While we figured Tessa was still breech and that the perinatologist would recommend a cesarean, we were surprised by several pieces of information. After taking careful measurements of Tessa and examining her closely himself, the perinatologist said it looked like her weight gain could be slowing down just a little bit. He doesn't put much stock in averages (unless something is very abnormal), but the average weight for babies at this point is about 5 1/2 pounds. Based on the measurements he took, Tessa seemed to be weighing in at 4 pounds 15 ounces. The perinatologist didn't seem to think this was a problem - especially since all of her other measurements were normal - but he did say that it's possible that the placenta is not getting as many nutrients to her at this point. My thoughts immediately went to my appetite over the last two weeks. For whatever reason, I haven't felt very hungry. Or if I was hungry, I didn't feel like eating. So I know I haven't eaten nearly as much as I should, and I definitely haven't been getting in the recommended 100g of protein a day. After hearing what he had to say about her weight gain though, I have picked up my eating again (even if it's lots of protein-packed snacks throughout the day). Hopefully that will help, but even if that isn't the cause, I'm relieved that the perinatologist wasn't concerned.

The other information that surprised us, is that he recommended the date for the cesarean be much sooner than what my OB had originally suggested. At my last appointment with her, she wanted to schedule it for July 24. I would have been 38 weeks and 6 days; just one day shy of the 39 week minimum set by the hospital for all C-sections (unless a doctor deems it medically necessary to have it earlier). Instead, the perinatologist said the surgery needs to be scheduled between 37 and 38 weeks. The risks to Tessa would increase as would the likelihood that I would go into labor if it is any later than that. He was very kind to me, and said that although he knew I wanted to labor naturally, I did extremely well to get this far in the pregnancy without any problems. He also encouraged me and said that just because I need to have a cesarean this time around doesn't mean I can't attempt a natural birth with future pregnancies. While Tessa could still turn before the surgery, he doesn't think it is very likely. Honestly, I don't think that's going to happen either. I'm okay with it at this point though, since I just want to hold her in my arms at last!

This Tuesday is the next appointment with my OB and since she has been very anxious about me going into labor with a breech baby, it wouldn't surprise me if she will want to schedule the surgery for as soon as possible. Either way, it won't be more than two weeks before our little girl arrives on the scene!

"For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know [this] very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all [my] days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began." -Psalm 139:13-16

Second Pregnancy Update: 35 Weeks

35 Weeks!

I can't believe I'm only two weeks away from being considered full term!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My belly is starting to get pretty uncomfortable now. I still haven't felt any Braxton Hicks contractions (which is probably a good thing), but Tessa likes to push out a lot. When she does this, it makes my abdomen feel really tight.

Over the last week or so, I haven't really wanted to eat much. I still eat small meals and snacks as often as I can though, even if I'm not hungry. Oddly enough, the only time I've felt hungry recently is during the middle of the night. If this continues, I'll probably have to get some crackers or something to eat when I'm awake at that time.

I'm getting tired more quickly now, which is to be expected. Tasks that used to be nothing to me now seem more strenuous, and G has been very understanding. He's really great about noticing when I'm starting to lose energy, and he often encourages me to sit down and rest. He takes such good care of me.

A Few Thoughts
The GBS test results were negative at my appointment on Thursday, which is good. If Tessa decides to turn and I get to have her naturally, this means I won't need to be put on antibiotics (most of which I am allergic to anyway) when I arrive at the hospital. My OB seemed a little disheartened that Tessa is still breech, and she told me she feels like we need to schedule a cesarean soon. She assured me that although her only goals are a healthy mom and baby (which is what is most important to me as well), she understands my desire for a natural birth and said she wants that for me. She doesn't seem very confident about Tessa turning at this point though, and I think she's afraid of my cervix tearing if I suddenly go into labor. So unless Tessa has flipped by my perinatal appointment next week, she is going to try and schedule a cesarean for July 24. I'll be one day shy of 39 weeks on that day, and the hospital typically doesn't allow cesareans until 39 weeks. However, because of my unique situation and the danger of me going into labor while the cerclage is in and Tessa is breech, I am sure the hospital will allow it. If they don't for some reason, another doctor would probably have to perform the surgery because my OB will be out of town from 39-40 weeks. I asked what her thoughts were on an external cephalic version, and she said that although she does do them, she wouldn't recommend it for me. She said there is a risk in my case that the procedure could cause damage to the cervix, but recommended that I talk to the perinatologist and get his thoughts. He hasn't mentioned it as an option so far, but I do plan to ask him about it on Thursday. The success rate of an ECV is only 58%, and those odds aren't quite enough to quiet my doubts about trying that kind of procedure. I will certainly have a large list of things to ask him and discuss at the next appointment. Whether Tessa turns or not, it won't be much longer now until she joins us!

Second Pregnancy Update: 34 Weeks

34 Weeks (and one day, since this update is late)!

Another huge milestone has been reached this week! My BabyCenter email update said that if there are no unforeseen health problems, 99% of babies born between 34 and 37 weeks survive and go on to live normal lives as they grow. Thank you, Lord!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Sleep is still unpredictable but since we're getting close, I've just decided to sleep whenever I can - whether that's napping during the day, sleeping in late, or getting rest at night. Tessa has been more active in the last seven days she has ever been, and sometimes her crazy acrobatics keep me awake. I don't mind though!

A Few Thoughts
Thurday's perinatal appointment went well. Although Tessa is still breech, my perinatologist seemed very confident that she has plenty of room to move around and that she will get into the right position soon. There was little to no change in the cervix, to our relief. We also learned that if Tessa does not turn by 36 weeks, I can continue to take the progesterone pills. This eased my mind, since I suspect they have been doing a lot to prevent premature labor. Until my next appointment on the second, I am doing whatever I can to encourage her to turn around.

[Deep breath.]

I've struggled this week.

God has shown me the reasons I've had so much frustration with this pregnancy, and why I've been so fearful about things not going according to plan. On some level of my subconscious I think I already knew what my problem was, but He chose this week to bring it to the surface for me to deal with. Not next week. Not after Tessa is born. Now.

After I decided to face these issues head-on, the Lord brought a song to my mind that I hadn't heard in years. The chorus played in my head one night while I couldn't sleep and when I listened to the entire song the next day, I was speechless. It perfectly described what I have been feeling and struggling with spiritually. It's called Surrender by BarlowGirl, and if you don't have time to listen to the song, I'll post the lyrics below the video for you to read.

(Verse 1)

My hands hold safely to my dreams.

Clutching tightly, not one has fallen.

So many years I've shaped each one,

Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.

Now You're asking me to show

What I'm holding oh so tightly.

Can't open my hands,

Can't let go.

Does it matter? Should I show You?

Can't You let me go?

(Chorus)

"Surrender, Surrender,"

You whisper gently.

You say I will be free.

I know, but can't You see?

My dreams are me.

My dreams are me.

(Verse 2)

You say You have a plan for me,

And that You want the best for my life.

Told me the world had yet to see

What You can do with 

One that's committed to Your call.

I know of course what I should do;

That I can't hold these dreams forever.

If I give them now to You,

Will You take them away forever

Or can I dream again?

"Surrender."

This week, God showed me that I've been looking for my identity and value in the dreams He has given me instead of in Christ. Since I was a little girl I've felt God calling me to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. He gave me a heart for marriage, for children, and for the home and I've been preparing for that life from the first moment I heard His call. Eventually, who I am became defined by the goals I was working toward; things like saving my first kiss for my wedding day, being a virgin on my wedding night, marrying a godly man who loved Jesus more than He loved me, getting to manage our home and use it as a hub for ministry, and raising lots of children who will share Christ's love with the world. Although most of these things have happened or are currently happening, they certainly didn't happen the way I expected them to. Some things don't look anything like the picture I had in my head when I was growing up. But to my surprise, they turned out so much better than what I had imagined. I've walked through life telling God that I wanted Him to use me for His glory, and that I wanted His will - not mine - to be done. While I have always been sincere in my request, I've realized that sometimes (okay, most of the time) I only want God's will to be done if His will is the same as mine. That's not how it works, though. 

The reality is that my dreams don't define me: Christ defines me. His plan - whatever that may be - will always be accomplished and because I have a relationship with Him, I get to be involved in that process. It won't necessarily look the way I expect it to, but God has proven to me time and time again that His way is the best way. Tessa could flip tomorrow and I could go on to experience the natural birth I really want to have, or she could stay where she is so comfortably situated and I could have to have a C-section. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am no less valuable to God, or less useful to Him just because things don't go the way I planned. What matters is that things go according to His plan (they will); and whether or not I choose to take an active role in the process. I didn't plan on giving birth to my first child prematurely, nor did I plan to give her back to the Lord so soon after she was born. But after seeing the way the Lord used Addie's little life and the painful situation in which we found ourselves, I can confidently say that His will was best in spite of not being what I would have chosen. This has proven to be true in every other situation I've experienced in life, and it is still true now. 

Like BarlowGirl says in their song, I cannot hold onto my dreams with a clenched fist. To let them go means acknowledging the possibility that they may never be fulfilled in the way I think they should be. But God is a good and loving Father that delights in giving good gifts to His children, so I choose to trust Him and follow His leading once again. He has never led me astray. I feel like God has asked, "Will you trust me even if these dreams don't come true? If I ask you to let them go, will you still follow Me?" I can only answer "Yes, Lord" and trust that He will give me the strength to let go, whether He gives me new dreams or fulfills the ones I already have. So today, right now, I choose to open my hands and give Him everything. I choose not to worry or wring my hands in frustration for one more second, because I know with certainty that God is working all things out. The unknown doesn't have to be scary because it is not unknown to God. The future is laid out before Him and He sees all parts of it. There is nobody more worthy of my trust and confidence than Him.

I am not defined by what I do or don't accomplish, but by Who I know.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge. Selah" -Psalm 62:8

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. Reveal to me the way I should go, because I long for You." -Psalm 143:8

Second Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks

33 Weeks!

This has been a busy week, and there's a lot to put in this update. Here we go!

Pregnancy Updates
I feel so big! Tessa has been moving around a lot, but as far as I can tell she still hasn't moved into the correct position. If she has, I don't think she's stayed there. If she has that much room to wiggle around though, I don't think she's stuck in a breech position.

My joints get sore very quickly, especially in my hips. Even if I didn't have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom, I think the soreness would still wake me up. Usually all I have to do is walk around the house for a few minutes to stretch everything out, and I am able to go back to sleep unless Baby Girl decides it's her turn to move.

It's gotten harder in the last week to eat regular-sized meals. I guess it's because there isn't much room around my stomach! When I eat what I consider to be a normal amount of food, I become useless for the next couple of hours because I can't move. Eating smaller meals more often might be the way to go for me at this point. That's what all of the pregnancy books and websites recommend anyway.

A Few Thoughts
The first baby shower (hosted by my mom) took place on Sunday and it was wonderful! So many friends came that I am not able to see regularly anymore, and they gave such beautiful and generous gifts. We drove home with a full car and even fuller hearts. The shower was held at the church where G and I got married, which is also where we buried Adelyn, so the event had a special sacredness to it. The last time we gathered there with friends and family was for Addie's memorial service, so it was a real joy to be there again for happier reasons. We visited Addie's grave before we left, and it seemed strange to be looking down at the place where the tiny body of our firstborn was laid to rest while being so very pregnant with her little sister. We want to bring Tessa to the gravesite someday.

My OB appointment went well on Thursday. She said I had lost a little weight, but she wasn't concerned about it because Tessa's most recent ultrasound measurements were normal. Personally, I don't put much stock in how much weight is gained or lost anyway. So many little things can effect scale readings, from the clothes and shoes I wear to how much I ate before my appointment. I occasionally weigh myself at home, and there has been a steady increase since I gained back the weight I lost during the first trimester. Weight always fluctuates day to day even during pregnancy, so I'm not a bit worried. I decided a long time ago not to worry about my weight anyway. Life is too short for that nonsense!

During the appointment we discussed the latest date I could schedule a cesarean if the cerclage has to stay in, which is what will happen if Tessa doesn't turn. She suspects that if I go into labor with the stitches still in that things will start happening very quickly, and she wants to do whatever is necessary to keep me from tearing. However, she did say that the latest she would want to wait is 39 weeks - both because of the danger of sudden and quick labor and because she will apparently be on vacation the week before my due date. I'm okay with scheduling a cesarean at 39 weeks (for reasons I'll share shortly), but I won't do it just to make my doctor's vacation convenient. This little baby is my priority! However, I do share her concerns about things happening very suddenly if I were to go into labor with the cerclage still intact. Regardless of whether or not I have it removed at 36 weeks, I will stop taking progesterone. If I could keep taking it beyond that date, I would be perfectly fine. I think that the progesterone, based on the shortening that took place during the week when I switched medication, has played a very important part in keeping premature labor at bay. The problem is that I don't think I am supposed to continue taking it beyond 36 weeks. If I stop taking it and still have the stitches, I'm concerned that I will go into labor in the week that follows. This could cause my cervix to tear and risk a breech birth if things progress too quickly, resulting in a much earlier C-section. Fortunately, both my OB and perinatologist are very optimistic about Tessa's state of health if she does come early.

I'm really having to let go of my need to control this situation and trust God. It's so difficult, even though I know He has everything in His hands and that His plan is the best one. As strange as it sounds, the Lord has been showing me that I've made an idol out of having a natural, unmedicated birth. What's even more ridiculous is that I've been believing in my mind that a natural, unmedicated birth will somehow bring more glory to God than if I were to have a C-section. That's crazy, and I can't know that anyway! Whatever happens - good or bad, ideal or not, God allows to happen because He will be most glorified. It's not like God's sitting up there on the edge of His throne, biting His nails and thinking, "Gosh, I hope she doesn't have to have a cesarean, because then I won't get as much glory!" Like I said, crazy. Do you ever have moments where you weren't fully aware of something in your heart or life until you read your own writing? Yeah, that just happened to me right this second. What psychotic imaginative ways I have of stressing myself out!

Anyway, a sweet friend from our LifeGroups hosted the second baby shower today. I had such an amazing time! Her attention to detail was obvious, and the time and effort she put into making it special for me was humbling. The environment was peaceful, comfortable, and fun, and I had plenty of time to catch up with other ladies from church. I was struck again by the kindness and generosity of the amazing friends the Lord has brought into my life. It's hard to believe that there is only one more shower before our little girl gets here!

Things are falling into place quickly now. We're finally in our room (and have been since Memorial Day Weekend), our closet finished and in use, Tessa's room has been painted, we've finished our birthing classes, and the hospital back is packed (though I will probably unpack and repack it again several more times). Soon, Tessa Finley!

"For the Lord is good, and His love is eternal; His faithfulness endures through all generations." -Psalm 100:5

Second Pregnancy Update: 32 Weeks

32 Weeks!

Another important pregnancy mile marker has been reached! Thank you, Lord.

Pregnancy Symptoms
It seems like one week I will get plenty of sleep, and the next week I won't get much at all. This week held very little sleep for me because of hourly trips to the bathroom, difficulty finding a comfortable position with this [seemingly] ginormous belly, and Tessa's really strong (and very uncomfortable) movements every night. It's not even her kicks and punches that hurt, but the random stretching and changing positions.

My belly was sort of tucked underneath the table during dinner last night, and Tessa chose that moment to push up and out (like she frequently does). As a result, I got wedged between my legs and the table, and had to pry myself out. Who gets their belly stuck under a table? Apparently me (and probably other pregnant women too)! Honestly though, that sounds like something that would happen to me when I'm not pregnant...

A Few Thoughts
I was really nervous about Thursday's perinatal appointment. Though I expected to learn that my cervix had continued to shorten, we found out that there had been no change since the last appointment! We were surprised and relieved. Tessa is still breech, but that wasn't news to me. I can tell by where she's kicking me that she hasn't moved yet. She seems content to stay in an upright position for the time being, though I am really hoping she turns before 36 weeks. The perinatologist said if she is still breech by then, we will schedule a C-section and my OB will monitor her weekly to see if she moves. If she turns before the scheduled surgery date, the perinatologist will take the cerclage out and things can progress normally. We're definitely hoping and praying that she turns, but even if she doesn't, I've decided not to get upset about it. At this point, I'll just be happy to have a healthy baby girl safely in my arms!

Tessa's nose and Angelina Jolie lips!

Tessa's little face (sideways)!

"Come, let us shout joyfully to the Lord, shout triumphantly to the rock of our salvation! Let us enter His presence with thanksgiving; let us shout triumphantly to Him in song. For the Lord is a great God, a great King above all gods. The depths of the earth are in His hand, and the mountain peaks are His. The sea is His; He made it. His hands formed the dry land. Come, let us worship and bow down; let us kneel before the Lord our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, the sheep under His care..." -Psalm 95:1-7

Second Pregnancy Update: 31 Weeks

31 Weeks and wearing a shirt that says "Feed Me
And Tell Me I'm Pretty," which is pretty much
relevant for my life regardless of pregnancy.

We're one week away from another important milestone (reaching 32 weeks) in the pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
My abdominal muscles are consistently uncomfortable now. Tessa is getting bigger every day, and I already feel like I'm out of room in there! Her frequent movements are often accompanied by pain or discomfort in my ligaments, and her position at any moment determines how easily I am able to get around. Though I haven't noticed much swelling yet, my feet are pretty sore in the evenings regardless of my activity level that day.

Occasionally Tessa will move a certain way and I will feel a sharp pain deep in my right hip. It only lasts for a second and it doesn't travel down my leg, so I don't think it's sciatic nerve pain. However she's certainly pressing on some nerve when that happens! I've found that the best thing for me to do is switch sides while I'm sleeping or sitting. That usually resolves the problem. I've also experienced more pain in my hips at night. Sometimes I wake up because my hips feel so sore, and if both hips hurt at the same time I have to stretch out the muscles before I can get comfortable again. The pain isn't unbearable though, so aside from being inconvenient it hasn't really caused any problems.

A Few Thoughts
Thursday's appointment with my OB went very well. I shared what the perinatologist told us last week, and we spent a few minutes looking over a copy of my birth plan that I brought with me. She's going to be out of town on vacation until June 7th, and she jokingly said I'm "not allowed" to go into labor while she's gone. She urged me not to do anything (no exercise, avoiding strenuous activities, and not doing anything "crazy") until she gets back. So I'm going to stay home and take it easy as much as possible over the next couple of weeks in the hopes that nothing will trigger labor or put unnecessary strain on my cervix.

I see the perinatologist again on June 4th, and I'm hoping there we will find little or no change in the cervix since my last appointment. Baby showers are starting very soon and as long as I'm not put on bed rest, I should be able to attend all of them. How crazy is it that May is almost over and June is about to be here? Regardless of whether she comes early, on time, or late, we'll be meeting our Tessa very soon!

"The Lord values those who fear Him, those who put their hope in His faithful love." -Psalm 147:11