Second Pregnancy Update: 26 Weeks

26 weeks, and headed out for a walk before it rains!

I'm 26 weeks now, which means there are only two weeks left in the second trimester!

Pregnancy Symptoms
There aren't really any new symptoms to report on since last week's update. Tessa's movements continue to grow stronger and more frequent. She seems to settle down pretty well now when it's time for bed, so I'm hoping this means she'll have a natural sleeping schedule when she joins us on the outside. If I have to get up in the middle of the night then she'll wiggle for a little while, but it it's more like she's perturbed over losing her comfy spot!

A Few Thoughts
I can't believe I'm almost in the third trimester of this pregnancy! Lately it feels as though time has flown by, though it seemed to drag during the first trimester. Lord willing, we'll be bringing home our sweet girl from the hospital before too long (though hopefully not too soon). If Tessa were to be born this week, she would have an 80-90% chance of surviving!

G and I sat in what will be the nursery (after we move our stuff into the master bedroom) on Thursday night and planned out where furniture will go. I had a sudden urge to clean and organize random and insignificant parts of the house that day, so I may be starting to "nest." It's safe to say that we're both very excited!

This coming Thursday is the day I take my glucose tolerance test. Instead of doing the icky drink, my OB told me I can eat 18 classic Brach's jelly beans in five minutes or less. About an hour after I finish my last jelly bean, they will take some blood samples. If you think about it that day, please say a prayer for me! It would be great not to have to deal with gestational diabetes, and I don't know what to expect since I didn't get far enough along with Addie to be tested. I'm not worried about it though, because I know the Lord will walk us through whatever comes our way. The results probably won't be back for a few days, so I'm not sure whether or not I'll have that information by the next update, but we'll see!

I also have an appointment with the perinatologist on Thursday afternoon, so hopefully everything will still be looking good. Mom is going with me, so she will get to see Tessa on the screen again (it's been a while since she came with me to an appointment). We will probably get more pictures, too, since they give us some every time we go. I love getting to see her at my appointments!

Second Pregnancy Update: 25 Weeks

25 Weeks!

At 25 weeks, I'm a little over half way through my sixth month of pregnancy!

Pregnancy Symptoms
On Tuesday, my chiropractor (who I've started visiting every week instead of every three weeks) worked on my round ligaments to help take the pressure off of my lower back. He said the adjustments should encourage Tessa to move into the correct position as well. Before we went in for the appointment, I felt really huge and tight in all of my joints; but when we left, everything felt normal again and I could move! I couldn't believe how much better I felt! I even told G that we should go salsa dancing (I was totally joking - ain't nobody got coordination for that). It really has been a blessing to have access to such great chiropractic care, and I can't imagine going through a pregnancy - or non-pregnant life - without it. When we went to bed that night, I could feel Tessa moving around a lot. Though I can't be sure because I don't know exactly how she's oriented, I feel confident that she was head down by the time I fell asleep. However, based on her kicks over the last day or two, it seems like she may have found her way back to whatever position she was in before! I guess we won't know for sure until my next perinatal appointment on the 30th.

Tessa's kicks are getting significantly stronger. If I'm watching at the right time, I can see her movements through several layers of clothing (or a blanket)! She also seems to respond quickly now if my belly is touched and if I talk to her or G. A few hours ago, I clapped and squealed excitedly after learning that my sister-in-law is in now labor, and Tessa started wiggling too. It's as if she was excited by the news of her cousin's eminent arrival as well, which I thought was cute. Of course, I probably just startled her by my sudden outburst. Sorry, Tessa!

There have been several restless nights this week because I couldn't get comfortable or had to get up several times to go to the bathroom (all of you mamas out there will totally understand). As a result, I've been a little moodier. It probably doesn't help that it has rained every day for over a week with little sunshine (though I'm not complaining, because it keeps all of this pollen from getting really bad)! Yesterday was a low day for me, and I was unexplainably emotional and needy. G was so understanding, and he put off his plans to work on the master bedroom trim so that he could be with me. I also get my progesterone injections on Fridays, and it hurt more than usual this time. It has been a great opportunity for me to practice my focused relaxation techniques that I am learning in our birthing class. They really do make a difference!

A Few Thoughts
If Tessa were to be born this week (which is still very unlikely), her chances of survival would be between 50-80%! It's strange to think that she is now bigger than Addie was when she was born, and I think she's going to seem gigantic in comparison whenever she does get here. As I said last week, we're torn between wanting her to stay put and longing to hold her in our arms! The last few months of pregnancy will probably go quickly, except for the very end (from what I've heard), so she'll be with us before we know it! Fortunately, there is plenty to do to keep us distracted until then.

G pointed out to me that I only have 11 more progesterone injections to take before I'll be finished! I stop taking them at 36 weeks, or whenever Tessa comes - whichever comes first. Since there is nothing to indicate that Tessa will be born before then, it's probably an accurate assumption. The perinatologist that saw me at my last appointment (it was someone different, because my normal doctor was away) said that I would have to take the injections with every pregnancy, unless I wanted to take the risk and see what would happen without them. However, since we can't be sure whether or not the cerclage is holding because of the injections, I will probably continue to use them in subsequent pregnancies. I can't stand needles, but it's a small price to pay if it means my babies are less likely to be born too soon.

And so I'll close with something G says every Saturday as he pretends to high-five Tessa:

"Way to hang in there another week!"

Second Pregnancy Update: 24 Weeks

24 Weeks! Thank you, Lord.

Today marks the twenty-fourth week of my pregnancy with Tessa, which means we've just crossed a major hurdle! Before I continue, let me go over a few pregnancy symptoms.

Pregnancy Symptoms

People are definitely starting to take notice of the baby bump! G and I went into a restaurant a few days ago and the hostess very obviously looked down at my belly as soon as we walked through the door. Usually nobody says anything, maybe because they're still not 100% confident about whether or not I'm actually pregnant. You can tell they're curious, but too afraid of being wrong to ask questions. We always get a good chuckle out of situations like that!

I make jokes with my family all the time about "pregnancy strength" (which I definitely don't have) and "pregnancy rage". While I certainly haven't received superhuman strength as a result of carrying Tessa (if anything, it's the opposite!), I have had quite a few encounters with pregnancy rage. Normally I'm not a moody person, and it takes a whole lot to get me agitated, but this past week has definitely been interesting. There have been at least two or three occasions when I got riled at nobody in particular about absolutely nothing. Can't figure out how to use Google Maps on my iPhone? RAGE. Can't make up my mind where I want to put the raised beds for the vegetable garden? RAGE, RAGE, RAGE! Of course my angry moments are still very mild compared to most people, and there are probably few who would have noticed anything amiss. Externally, it's not always obvious; however, internally I am fuming. Thankfully, I've discovered that keeping food in my stomach helps me avoid or calm the pregnancy rage. If I wait too long (read: more than a couple of hours) to eat something, I can feel myself starting to get irritable. This is something I am definitely going to keep a close eye on in the coming weeks! 

A Few Thoughts

At our appointment with the perinatologist on Wednesday, we found out that Tessa is weighing in at about 1lb, 5oz (which is one oz less than Addie weighed when she was born) and is between 12-13 inches long! Knowing she is almost exactly the weight and length that Adelyn was helps us have a clear picture of what she would probably look like if we were holding her in our arms now. Speaking of looks, we were able to see Tessa at the appointment! While were talking to the ultrasound technician, she switched without warning from the 2D ultrasound to 3D. Although this isn't something G and I were planning on asking for (I didn't even know they were capable of doing 3D at that office), it was amazing to see our baby girl so clearly! 

She has full lips and the sweetest little nose I've ever seen! Most of the time, G and I think the 3D ultrasound pictures look kind of creepy (no offense to anyone who has them done), which is one reason we weren't planning on getting them. In Tessa's case, they're so precious! I admit there is probably some bias there, though! We're so in love already. It's funny, because we really want her to stay put as long as possible, but we're also eager to hold her in our arms and cuddle her!

We discussed the fetal fibronectin testing with the perinatologist and he said that because I have a cerclage, I have a much greater chance of false positives. He said that for this reason we won't be doing those tests, which means I don't have to be concerned about the possibility of steroid injections (at least not as a result of those tests). This news really put my mind at ease, and I feel like I can relax a little more now.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this update, we've reached the twenty-fourth week of this pregnancy. Tessa would have about a 50% chance of survival if she were to be born this week, which is a really big deal. The percentage will dramatically increase with each week that the pregnancy continues. So far, so good! 

The One I Love - 3 Year Engagement Anniversary

"When I found the one I love...I held him and would not let him go..." -Song of Solomon 3:4

Four years ago today, G took me to The Cheesecake Factory. Our friendship was still relatively new, and our courtship wouldn't officially get started for another month. Even so, I already loved him. Because of his passion for Jesus, his integrity and godly character, his ability to make me laugh, and the honorable way in which he treated me, my heart never stood a chance. As time went on, God continued to give confirmation that He was directing our lives toward each other.

Exactly three years ago, we went back to The Cheesecake Factory together. G had planned a special outing after lunch, and he surprised me with a trip to our local Botanical Gardens. It was a beautiful day, and there were a lot of flowers in bloom. We walked around for an hour, occasionally stopping to take pictures of the plants or sit on a bench. G had been unusually quiet for most of the day, and I hoped nothing was bothering him. After a while, we came to a shady and quiet spot in one of the gardens and sat down to take in the scenery. We sat in silence for a moment, and then G spoke up and began what will always be one of my favorite conversations. Toward the end, he pulled a box out of his camera bag, moved off the bench onto one knee, and asked me to be his wife. When I finally got the tears under control, I squeaked out a "yes!" and we were married almost six months later.

Shortly after we were engaged, my Papa told me that I couldn't begin to fathom the happiness that marriage would bring.

He couldn't have been more right.

In almost three years as husband and wife, G and I have experienced the greatest joys and the deepest sorrows together. Side by side, we've experienced death but also new life. God has blessed us far beyond what we ever expected or hoped for, and He has poured out his grace and mercy on us time and time again. The Lord could give us one more day together or He could bless us with a lifetime; but no matter what's in store for our future, I'm thankful for every second I get with my G.

So, to my dearest Love and best friend, thank you for choosing me. There hasn't been one second of our life together that I've doubted or regretted our covenant. You were worth every second of waiting, of hoping, and of struggling to trust God in my loneliness before He brought us to each other. Your love for Jesus makes me love Him even more, and you inspire me to be the best that I can be every day. Even when I fail, you still love me without hesitation. You are an amazing leader and provider, husband and father, and it's a privilege to be your wife. I love you forever and always.

"May God be praised! He has not turned away my prayer or turned His faithful love from me." -Psalm 66:20

Second Pregnancy Update: 23 Weeks

23 Weeks!

Pregnancy Symptoms
I am continuing to have occasional round ligament pain, though it's still very mild. The biggest thing is that my belly feels stretched! Depending on whether or not I've eaten and how Baby Girl is oriented, sometimes it's difficult to do a few of my birthing class stretches.

At my sister-in-law's baby shower last Saturday, I experienced some back pain and a little fatigue. Most of this was caused by sitting in the car for long periods of time, and possibly related to the shoes I was wearing. When I woke up the next morning, I felt just fine! I know back pain and fatigue will come into play later on in the pregnancy, but lately it hasn't been much of an issue.

My appetite is slowly increasing. It's not often that I get really hungry, but over the last week I've felt like snacking a lot. I came home with the munchies after Bible study on Wednesday night, and ended up eating three boiled eggs, some chips and salsa, and a pickle. That was the first time I had a bedtime food binge, though it was just a small one. Something tells me that will happen again in the very near future!

A Few Thoughts
At my OB appointment on Thursday, we discussed the possibility doing of a fetal fibronectin test around 25 weeks. The test would check for a special type of protein that, if not present, means it would be very unlikely for me to go into labor in the following two weeks. If it does happen to show up at the time of testing, it doesn't necessarily mean something will happen, but they may suggest taking steroids to speed up the baby's lung development. As soon as my OB mentioned this possibility, my mind went back to the night I labored with Adelyn. We had just found out the seriousness of the circumstances, and a specialist had come in to tell me what the plan was. He said I would have to remain in the hospital bed on my back with my feet elevated above my head until 24 weeks (unless I delivered quickly), and that I would be given steroid shots during my stay to help Addie's lungs develop. A few hours after receiving that information, a nurse came in to administer the shot while I was having very strong contractions and painful back labor. She told me to turn onto my side so that she could give me the steroid, and because I was in the middle of a contraction, it was hard to change positions. I wished it could wait at least until the contraction had finished, but for whatever reason I didn't ask. As soon as I was on my side, she administered the shot. It wasn't a slow injection either because it hurt so badly, like fire under my skin, and I remember wishing I could just go back to the contractions because they were more manageable. G told me after we left the OB appointment that he knew I was remembering that moment, and that he was remembering it too. So although I will accept the steroid shots if it becomes necessary, I certainly don't have good memories associated with them. It's just something I'm going to have to work through, and if they end up doing the testing, I'll definitely be praying for a negative result so that I don't have to take that route again. Fortunately, my OB doesn't anticipate anything going wrong, and the perinatologist may decide that testing isn't necessary for my situation. My appointment with him is on Wednesday, so we'll probably discuss it then.

My next OB appointment is on April 30th, and I believe I will be taking the glucose test then. After researching the glucose test early on and learning what all is in the stuff you have to drink, I knew that I wanted an alternative if there was one available. Many OBs won't allow you to do anything else, but my OB said I could eat 18 Brach's Jelly Beans instead of drinking the sickeningly sweet and sugary beverage. Of course, the ingredients in hard candies aren't great either, but I feel like it will be easier to do than the normal glucose test. We'll find out in four weeks!

Last year, when I got pregnant with Addie, G and I decided to keep her name a secret until she was born. We weren't really in danger of a relative stealing the name out from under us, and though I was slightly concerned about being buried one day by a truck load of monogrammed baby things (my worst nightmare which thankfully didn't happen), that really wasn't the reason either. Both of us enjoy surprises so we decided to keep it a secret just because it was fun. We assumed we would keep that tradition with this pregnancy but after giving it some thought, we decided to go ahead and share our new baby girl's name with all of you. This is a significant week for this pregnancy because our sweet Adelyn Jane was born at twenty-three weeks and one day, so we thought it would be a fitting way to celebrate both babies' lives. So without further ado, say hello to Tessa Finley!

The only pictures we have of her so far are from ultrasound appointments (this is from the last one), and we're hoping we won't have any delivery photos - at least for a few more months. Here she is in the meantime, though!

Names have always been fascinating to me. There are many biblical accounts of children being named and those names would often reflect the difficult or joyous circumstances surrounding the birth, the physical appearance of the child, or even a mother's prayer to God. Interestingly enough, some of the names turned out to be a foreshadowing of what that child would become, whether good or bad. For this reason, the meaning of a baby name has always been the most important element to me. If I can find a name with a great meaning that I also like the sound of, then I am satisfied.

When we found out I was pregnant with Tessa so quickly after losing Adelyn, I immediately went on the search for her name. I knew I wanted it to mean something significant, and for a long time I felt sure the name would describe God's goodness, faithfulness, or blessing (because He had chosen to bless us with another child). After I made a large list of names with their meanings, G and I sat down together to organize and narrow them down. An hour or two later, we had narrowed the list down to three names. One of them perfectly captured the mercy of God through its meaning, while the other two had great meanings also but didn't mention God directly. All three of them were names that we loved, and it was difficult to make a decision. G's favorite was Tessa Finley, and after thinking about it for a week, I woke up one morning and felt sure that this baby's name needed to be Tessa. I had been leaning toward a different name so I'm not sure what changed my mind, but regardless of the reason, I talked to G and we agreed. Here's what the names mean, and why we chose them:

Tessa (Harvester)

Although it doesn't directly point to God, there was a spiritual side that appealed to us. This verse quickly came to mind:

"Then Jesus went to all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and every sickness. When He saw the crowds, He felt compassion for them, because they were weary and worn out, like sheep without a shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, 'The harvest is abundant, but the workers are few. Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into His harvest.'" -Matthew 9:35-38

We chose "Tessa" to be the first name because we want the Lord to send her out as a worker into His harvest. Our desire is that she would live a life that points others to Christ, and that He would use her to reveal His love.

Finley (Fair Warrior)

Though I do believe that womanhood displays femininity, modesty, humility, grace, and submission (in the proper context), I also believe it displays courage, strength, intelligence, wisdom, integrity, and diligence (to name a few). We thought this name would encourage Tessa to rise up one day and be much more than just a lovely face or attractive figure. This is the verse we thought of when we considered this name:

"Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having prepared everything, to take your stand. Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace. In every situation take the shield of faith, and with it you will be able to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is God's word. With every prayer and request, pray at all times in the Spirit, and stay alert in this, with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints." -Ephesians 6:10-18

It's kind of funny that "Finley" ended up being Tessa's middle name, both because I liked it as a first name only, and G didn't like it very much at all. However, when we were pairing different names together, "Tessa Finley" seemed to fit nicely. The longer we thought about the name, the more it grew on us. We settled on "Finley" ultimately because we want her to be a spiritual warrior. We want her to boldly follow the leading of the Lord wherever He may call her to go, courageously doing whatever He may call her to do. 

I can't say with any certainty what God's will is for Tessa's life. He may call her home quickly, like He did with Addie, or she may live a long life in our care. Whatever the Lord has planned, we trust Him. For now, we'll gratefully take each day as it comes.

"Look at the birds of the sky: they don't sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you worth more than they? Can any of you add a single cubit to his height by worrying? And why do you worry about clothes? Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don't labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that's how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won't He do much more for you-you of little faith? So don't worry, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' For the idolaters eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:26-34

Happy Easter!

It Is Finished - On Adelyn's Headstone and Victory Over Death

After Adelyn's death in September, G and I started looking into headstones for her grave. Our search slowed some about a month later when we found out the Lord had blessed us and I was pregnant again. We never stopped looking however, and almost ordered a custom stone from an online site. Before we decided to order it, some friends with connections to a headstone manufacturer offered to be our go-between and help us get a nice stone. They showed themselves to be the most devoted and compassionate of friends to us in our time of need and because of them, we were able to get a beautiful stone for half the cost of the online store. We picked it up a couple of months ago, and waited for the seasons to change so we wouldn't have to install it in the cold. G picked out the material (black granite) and we both chose the border and font. It turned out even more beautiful than I imagined. It's perfect.

On Saturday, two months after we picked it up from our friends, we finally had the chance to install her stone. The morning air was cool, but the sun was out and the sky was clear. G examined the burial site, took all of the necessary measurements, and began the task of installing the grass marker. Less than an hour later, the task was complete.

We loaded the tools in the back of the SUV, then G and I stood together and surveyed his work. After a moment of silence we said our customary goodbyes to Addie, climbed into the vehicle, and drove off toward the next event of the day. Though we've had closure in this situation for a while, both of us felt a little lighter when we left the church than we had when we arrived.

I am in awe of God, especially this week. He is continuing to use Addie's life to display His glory to us and to the world. We didn't determine ahead of time to install her headstone at this significant point in my pregnancy, but that's how the Lord worked it out for us. It's not a coincidence that Addie was born at 23 weeks and one day, and that on Easter Sunday I will be 23 weeks and one day in this new pregnancy. Nor is it a coincidence that she was born and died on a Friday, and that Christ-followers everywhere (including me and G) will remember His death on the cross for our sins on Good Friday. My eyes are now opened to the fascinating reality that as long as we live, when we think of our Adelyn Jane, we will also be reminded of the incredible gift that Jesus gave us (forgiveness of sins, a restored relationship with our Creator, and the promise of life spent with Him for all eternity) when He took the sins of the world upon Himself and paid the ultimate price for our freedom. Addie's life is finished, but because of Jesus, so is the control that death and sin had over our lives. We are free!

"When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, 'It is finished!' Then bowing His head, He gave up His spirit...So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first man and of the other one who had been crucified with Him. When they came to Jesus, they did not break His legs since they saw that He was already dead." -John 19:30, 32-33

As strange as it will sound to some people, these amazing parallels make life worth the struggle. The words of King Theoden (The Two Towers) resonate within me when he says that "no parent should have to bury their child." Yet God buried His own Son for us so that we who must bury our own children can take heart and have hope. And although the body of my firstborn is still in her grave, the glorious truth is that the tomb of Jesus, the sinless Son of God, is empty! Because He died and rose again after taking the punishment for our sin upon Himself, we can look forward to spending eternity with our Savior and seeing our little girl again one day.

"After the Sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to view the tomb. Suddenly there was a violent earthquake, because an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and approached [the tomb]. He rolled back the stone and was sitting on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his robe was as white as snow. The guards were so shaken from fear of him that they became like dead men. But the angel told the women, 'Don't be afraid, because I know you are looking for Jesus who was crucified. He is not here! For He has been resurrected, just as He said. Come and see the place where He lay. Then go quickly and tell His disciples, "He has been raised from the dead. In fact, He is going ahead of you to Galilee; you will see Him there." Listen, I have told you.' So, departing quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, they ran to tell His disciples the news. Just then Jesus met them and said, 'Good morning!' They came up, took hold of His feet, and worshiped Him." -Matthew 28:1-9

Second Pregnancy Update: 22 Weeks

22 Weeks!

Pregnancy Symptoms
Not much has changed since last week. I've noticed (but forgotten to mention) that I might have developed an allergy to bandage adhesive. For the last month or so, if I've used a bandage, my skin has looked very red and splotchy after it is removed. With waterproof bandages, any skin that touches the adhesive gets really dry and flaky. Regardless of what kind I use, it leaves an outline from the bandage on my skin for a very long time. I could be sensitive because of pregnancy hormones, or as a side-effect to the progesterone shots. Either way, it's not a big deal.

After I went to bed on Thursday, I spent most of the night tossing and turning because I couldn't find a comfortable position (which is now limited to two - left side and right - since I can no longer sleep directly on my stomach). Baby Girl moved like crazy all night too, so I guess neither of us could get comfortable!

Her movements are continuing to increase in frequency, and it seemed at various points this week that she was responding to my voice when I would talk to her. Until now, there hasn't been much of a noticeable difference in how much she moved when I would speak verses her movements when it was quiet (except for when G would talk - she already loves her daddy). Maybe she's starting to recognize voices now!

A Few Thoughts
This week has been a little bit unusual for me emotionally. I think some of it has to do with the next pregnancy checkpoint being 23 weeks, and all of the memories associated with it. One morning, I woke up thinking about Adelyn and everything that transpired with her. Since there was nothing pressing for me to see to, I chose to lay in bed for a while longer and remember. No matter how well you handle heartache or how much you trust the Lord, there will still be moments of pain and grief. I was sad for a little while. Then the sun came out, the birds started singing, and I remembered that the Lord had made a brand new day. God has felt very near this week, by the way, and I'm comforted by the knowledge that He understands when we're feeling (even when I don't) and cares about what happens to us. Though I know next week will probably zoom by and be over before I can blink, I'm still dreading it. This is just something I'll have to get used to, because every year on Addie's birthday, and with every 23rd week of any future pregnancy, her precious face will return to my mind and I will remember. It will probably be sad, and maybe sometimes it will be happy. I'm just so grateful that the Lord is right here with us; growing us, sustaining us, and moving us toward the next thing. I'm glad these aren't wasted experiences or tears, and that He's using them for good in ways we can't fathom.

"God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1

Last year after Addie went ahead of us to be with the Lord, my mother-in-law and I planted some tulips. She had given them to G for his birthday, and she rightly believed that doing some gardening would be therapeutic for both of us. God is certainly showing us He cares for us, because they bloomed this week. To me, they serve as a reminder that our hope is not in vain, and if we keep trusting and following Jesus, He will make something beautiful out of our struggle. 

"There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven: a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing; a time to search and a time to count as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear and a time to sew; a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his struggles? I have seen the task that God has given people to keep them occupied. He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also put eternity in their hearts, but man cannot discover the work God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and enjoy the good life. It is also the gift of God whenever anyone eats, drinks, and enjoys all his efforts. I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 (emphasis mine)

My dear friends, there is a time to die.

But there is also a time to give birth.

There is a time to uproot.

But there is also a time to plant.

There is a time to kill.

But there is also a time to heal.

There is a time to tear down.

But there is also a time to build.

There is a time to weep.

But there is also a time to laugh.

There is a time to mourn.

But there is also a time to dance.

I pray that I never get so focused on the time to die, uproot, kill, tear down, weep, and mourn that I miss out on the time to give birth, plant, heal, build, laugh, and dance! Though I'm definitely no Old Testament prophet, something tells me we are emerging from the darkness into the light. 

"[Lord Elrond] 'I looked into your future and I saw death.' [Arwen] 'But there is also life!'" -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

There's a strange sense of change in my spirit right now, and I think good things are in our future. They may not look like what we expect, but that won't change the fact that they are good, and for our good. Whatever God has in store for us and our families, I trust Him. God is still working, and we are in awe of Him.