2015 Focus Word: Diligence

Towards the end of 2013, I decided to pick a word to focus on instead of making New Years Resolutions. I chose to focus on the word prayer, because I felt like my prayer life had grown stagnant. When I picked that word, I had no idea how much I would need to pray in 2014. My best friend was in a horrible bicycling accident and died a week later. The next month, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. At exactly 23 weeks in the pregnancy, I went into labor and gave birth prematurely to my baby girl, Adelyn Jane. She only lived an hour. It seemed like every time I turned around, someone was going through a hard time. People lost their jobs, their family members, and their health. It was a hard year for many people, including me and G. A lot of bad happened, but lots of good happened too. People were healed from their sicknesses, babies were born, and I got pregnant again.

A couple of months ago, I started thinking about what my next focus word would be. Today, I picked the word diligence. Though I don't know what God is going to lead me through in 2015, I do know that if I am diligent in the areas that matter (trusting Jesus, praying consistently, studying the Word, and using my time wisely) then I will be able to stand strong in the good times and bad. If everything goes well, G and I will be living out parenthood before the year is done. That stage of life will bring new challenges, joys, heartaches, and adventures.

I opted out of resolutions last time because people who make resolutions are usually only resolute for a short time, but this year I would like to set a few goals that are consistent with my focus word. There are five areas that I would like to be more diligent in:

1. Prayer and Bible study.
2. Waking up early and sticking to a schedule.
3. My role as a wife and mother.
4. My responsibilities as a homemaker.
5. Going outside of my comfort-zone and growing in Christ.

By the end of this year, I'm hoping to improve a lot in these areas. I look forward to seeing what this year holds!

"Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who doesn't need to be ashamed, correctly teaching the word of truth." -2 Timothy 2:15

Second Pregnancy Update: 11 Weeks

11 weeks today!

Fatigue: Mild
My energy is returning now, but I still tire out quickly if we run errands. Hopefully I will be back to normal very soon!

Food Aversions: Mild
The food aversions have almost completely gone away. The only time they pop up is when I've waited too long to eat. When that happens, nothing really sounds good to me anymore. If I eat every couple of hours, even if it's just a snack, then I can stomach most things. I'm still not able to eat very strong ethnic foods, though. Since I haven't wanted any, that hasn't been much of a problem. I've noticed that there are certain things I used to be able to eat that no longer appeal to me, such as black pepper (which is strange, since I used to love putting a lot of pepper on everything), and any canned chicken noodle soups. I haven't had homemade yet, but I think I'll be able to eat it just fine. Early on in this pregnancy, mashed potatoes sounded fairly good to me most of the time, but they haven't tasted great to me lately.

Cravings: None

Nausea: Mild
Sometimes, when I wait too long to eat, I start to feel a little nauseated. Other than that, I haven't had any problems with nausea over the last few weeks.

A Few Thoughts
On Tuesday, I had my 10 week checkup with my OB. Everything checked out okay, but I am still on pelvic rest (at least until we talk to the perinatologist in a couple of weeks), and I am back on the progesterone pills for the remainder of the first trimester. Though I would have liked to get the all-clear to return to a normal routine, I expected to hear this news at my appointment, so I'm not too bothered by it.

The last couple of weeks were a bit of a struggle for me (though I feel much better now). There was this weird combination of feelings swirling about inside of me. I was - and still am - very excited about this new baby, but part of me felt frustrated toward my unborn child because he or she isn't Addie. It's not fair to my baby, and I know it's silly, but that's just how I felt. If things had been different, I would likely still be pregnant with Adelyn right now (probably feeling as big as a house) and preparing for her arrival. But that's not how it worked out, and I really am okay with it, but grief plays out in strange ways.

I also felt afraid. I felt afraid because I felt like I had little choice in how this pregnancy plays out. The following questions haunted my mind almost daily:

• What if the doctor and hospital staff act like I don't know what's best for my baby, just because I didn't get a degree in medicine? What if they push me to do something I'm not comfortable with?
• What if I have to be on bed rest for the entire pregnancy?
• What if I have to have a C-section?
• What if the cerclage procedure works, but I experience all kinds of horrible side-effects?
• What if the cerclage procedure doesn't work, and I lose my baby anyway?
• What if this is what it will be like every time I get pregnant? Do I still want to try and have lots of children?

What if, what if, what if. When I was pregnant with Addie, my worst fears came true. What if they come true in this pregnancy, too? 

Why was I so freaked out, by the way? G and I just weathered the storm of losing our first child, and all was well with my soul. I trust God to take care of us, whatever happens. How could I be okay with the death of my baby girl, but not be okay with how this pregnancy was going? What had changed? The answer became clear to me this week:

I forgot the true purpose of my life, my calling as a wife and mother, and my suffering.

I was so focused on the picture I had in my mind of how things "should" be going, that I lost sight of the end goal: to glorify God. The answer to all of my "what if" questions is simple: If any of those things happen (and even if they don't), then God will help me get through it for His glory. Maybe things aren't going the way I want them to because something different has to happen for God to be most glorified through me and my unborn child.

"I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." -Ecclesiastes 3:14

God works so that people will be in awe of Him. He's not working to give me my fairytale life, or an uncomplicated pregnancy, or to produce well-behaved, homeschooled children who will make me proud and change the world. No. He already changed the world by taking the punishment for our sins upon Himself. When it comes down to it, that is the deepest desire of my heart anyway; that people would look at me (and my family) and be in awe of God's love, and goodness, and mercy. That's what I really want, if I think about it at all. So what if things don't go the way I planned? That doesn't scare God. He knows what to do, even when I don't. He takes the darkest, most hopeless situations and uses them in the most powerful ways for good. I, of all people, should know that by now.

I also forgot something very significant: This baby is not Addie. It sounds obvious, and of course I know that, but I've spent so much time comparing this pregnancy to how things were when I was pregnant with Addie. I've worried about experiencing each pregnancy milestone with this new baby (hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks, finding out the sex) because of how I would handle it emotionally. Yet no matter how many times I compare the pregnancies in my mind, this baby will not become Adelyn. Addie's time has come and gone. This baby is just getting started, and whether he or she lives a long time, or just a little while, they will have their own purpose to fulfill in life. 

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." -Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings

My mom gave me a little wooden sign with this quote on it when I was pregnant with Addie. It's one of my favorite quotes from The Fellowship of the Ring, and I watched that movie again the other day. When it reached the part of the movie where Galadriel says these words, I cried. I cried, and I posted the quote on Facebook. Later on, I read a few comments that were posted in response. The first one was like a bucket of cold water waking me up after a long sleep:

"...the next smallest person will do the same...try to enjoy your pregnancy."

The next smallest person will do the same. 

Every thought has been about Addie. I haven't for one second stopped to consider the amazing fact that this new baby also has a purpose. He or she will also be used by God, just like Addie was. They are a completely different soul in a new little body, and he or she has their own unique calling to fulfill that I failed to recognize. Addie did change the course of the future, even if it was just mine, and this baby is going to do the same. No matter the circumstances.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy.

When I read that, I realized that I hadn't been trying at all. Until that moment, I had looked on the entirety of this pregnancy through a negative lens. I wasn't enjoying this pregnancy because I didn't want to enjoy it. That was both selfish, and stupid. I wanted to get pregnant again right away, and God fulfilled that desire. Instead of enjoying being pregnant, all I've done in response is complain about things not going my way, or how x, y, and z is inconveniencing my life. I'm such a fool! 

"How great is Your goodness that You have stored up for those who fear You, and accomplished in the sight of everyone for those who take refuge in You. You hide them in the protection of Your presence; You conceal them in a shelter from the schemes of men, from quarrelsome tongues. May the Lord be praised, for He has wonderfully shown His faithful love to me in a city under siege. In my alarm I had said, "I am cut off from Your sight." But You heard the sound of my pleading when I cried to You for help. Love the Lord, all His faithful ones. The Lord protects the loyal, but fully repays the arrogant. Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:19-24

By the way, we heard this baby's heartbeat for the first time at my appointment, and it wasn't a difficult experience at all; it was wonderful! 160 beats per minute! Thank you, Lord. From now on, I'm going to do what I can to enjoy this pregnancy. Life doesn't stop being beautiful just because things don't go the way we expected them to. Children don't stop being a blessing, and God doesn't stop being good.

Second Pregnancy Update: 9 Weeks

I'm nine weeks pregnant now, and It's funny how similar my current symptoms are to the ones I had at this stage with Addie. Here's what I've been experiencing over the last few weeks:

Fatigue: Moderate to Strong

Although I experienced lots of fatigue when I was pregnant with Adelyn, G and I both think that it has been much more intense this time. The progesterone pills I'm having to take list dizziness and drowsiness as some of the side-effects, so that could have something to do with it. Whatever the cause, I often feel like I could sleep all day long, and taking a nap doesn't determine how much I sleep at night. Today is the first day that I haven't felt exhausted, so maybe things are starting to improve.

Food Aversions: Very Strong

Last time, I had lots of food aversions, but smells didn't seem to bother me much. There were also a few things that I could eat without any problems. This time, smells of all kinds turn my stomach. Anything that smells strong - from greasy food to scented candles - sends me running from the room. Even smells I used to like are unbearable now! As far as food is concerned, there is very little that sounds good to me. And if I do manage to find something edible, I will only get a few bites down before I have to stop eating or switch to a different food. Sometimes a certain food will sound good, and the moment it's placed in front of me, my stomach starts to churn with displeasure. It's all part of the pregnancy process, but it can be very frustrating. Thankfully, there's a diner close to our house that is open 24/7/365 (no joke, and it's a pregnant lady's dream!), and we discovered that you can call in and place take out orders! Yesterday, I wanted some of their matzoh ball soup, so G picked up several things for me. It was the first meal I was able to eat a significant amount of in weeks! Today was my best day for eating so far, and if you know me, you know how exciting that is. Anyway, I have noticed that anything with a strong flavor or lots of seasonings really unsettles my stomach, so I'm trying to stay away from ethnic food until my eating gets better.

Cravings: Low to None

I didn't have many cravings at this point when I was pregnant with Addie, and it seems that is true for this pregnancy as well. There have been very few things that have sounded good to me, but a few things I have felt like eating have been a bean burrito from Taco Bell (gross, I know), potatoes and gravy from KFC (also gross, and I haven't had this yet), and of course, the matzoh ball soup. None of these things - except for the soup - have been "cravings," just things that haven't sounded awful. Although I normally eat very healthy, organic foods, I've noticed that I only crave junk when I'm pregnant. And if I eat it, I always regret it. Those "foods" just don't taste like they did when I was a child, and it's probably because my body loves healthy food now. I'm curious to see what foods I crave over the next few months. Please be fruits and veggies!

Nausea: Mild to Moderate

This is a new symptom for me, since I didn't experience morning sickness last time. Early on, I just felt mildly nauseated a couple of times a week. Now I feel nauseated every day, for at least a little while. There were a few days where I felt very strong nausea, and if I don't eat for several hours, it comes on very quickly. I haven't actually gotten sick yet, and I'm hoping that won't happen. Although with the moderate nausea, I would rather get it over with and feel better. Today, things have been significantly better. Although there were a few moments of mild nausea, I haven't felt this good in weeks!

Other Symptoms:

• The bleeding from the hemorrhage has stopped completely now.
• I had a lot of acne outbreaks on my face for several weeks, but those have significantly decreased over the last few days.
• I felt pretty achey all over on a few random days, but that seems to have improved as well.

A Few Thoughts
There have been times where I was tempted to be fearful about the future and discouraged because things haven't gone the way that I expected them to, but then I remember Who holds our future (and that of our baby). This has been a hard year for lots of people, including me and G, but God has not abandoned us in our struggles and heartaches. The future is uncertain, but the Lord is still on the throne. God doesn't always give me what I want, and it doesn't always feel pleasant. I don't always understand why or how things happen the way they do, but I do know that God uses all circumstances for good. I think oftentimes, the trials that we face in life - both big and small - have a much bigger purpose than we can understand. So whether I give the child in my womb back to Him earlier than I expect to (like with Addie), or I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby, I trust Him. He's good all the time, and that truth is not dependent on my level of understanding about the situation. We're going to face lots of difficult things over the next year. It's going to be hard when we hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time, because my mind will go back to the first time we heard Addie's. We will struggle on January 15th, because that was Addie's due date. It will be bittersweet when we find out the sex, because the memories of that 20 week ultrasound - the special day we named our first child Adelyn Jane - will come rushing back. And if I reach and pass my 23rd week of pregnancy with this baby, there will be pain as we remember what happened at that point with Addie. G's birthday (as well as Adelyn's, which was the next day) will always have those painful memories attached to it. Yet look at the beautiful words of God that we can cling to in those hard times:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy." -Psalm 126:5

"Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:30-31"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are those who mourn, because they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:3-4

"We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh...Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:8-11, 16-18

"So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up." -Galatians 6:9

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

No matter what troubles you may have faced so far, or what troubles are yet to come, know that there is always a purpose for your pain. You alone must decide whether you will let your circumstances define you or refine you. Trust in the Lord, friend, and have faith. He loves you so much, and He's not finished with you yet!

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Second Pregnancy Update: 7 Weeks

7 weeks! Not a great picture because
the lighting was bad inside.

The last couple of weeks have been really crazy for us. About a week and a half after I took my first pregnancy test, I decided to take another one. I admit that it was done purely out of emotion, not reason, which is the opposite from how I normally do things. When I found out I was pregnant with Addie, I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that reality. I ended up taking another test the following day, because I thought that the news would finally sink in with two positive tests. When I took the second test this time, it was after thinking about Addie. Again, the news was taking a while to sink in, so I thought another positive test would help. I took the test, waited three minutes, and was startled by the appearance of only one line. Negative? I had expected to see two lines again, so when I only saw one, I tried not to panic. As I stared at the test, I noticed that the left line (the line that normally appears when you get a positive result) was there, but the right line (the one that is always there regardless of the result) wasn't showing up. On the test itself and even on the box, that right line was always pictured. Maybe there has been some kind of mistake. I asked the Lord for help, texted G to tell him what happened, and called my mom, who then told me to call the doctor's office and ask them what I should do. I left a message on the nurse's answering machine, and waited for her to return my call.

Mom decided to come over so that I wouldn't be by myself, bringing more tests with her in case I felt like taking another one later. Maybe the first one was defective, or I was reading the result incorrectly. The nurse called back around lunchtime and told me to come in for a blood test. During this time, Mom had scoured the internet to see if she could find anything about the right line disappearing while the left line shows up. She read on one site that another lady experienced the same situation. That lady called the pregnancy test company to ask about her result, and they told her that her hormone levels were so high that it caused the right test line to disappear. Whether that happened to me or not, it eased my mind. The results of the first test came back the next day, and everything was fine. I was definitely pregnant, and all my levels were normal. I went on another day for a second blood test to make sure my hormone levels were increasing properly, and they were. So in hindsight, I feel a little silly for not just accepting my first positive pregnancy test. If I had not taken the second test, it would have prevented a lot of stress.

Last weekend was also stressful. My brother came to stay with us for a few days (which was great), and after service on Sunday, I went to the restroom and discovered that I had bled through all of my clothes. My heart sank a little and I thought, I'm having a miscarriage. I'm losing this baby too. In the midst of my concern, I remembered that God was still in control, and that He would take care of us. We quickly left the church and drove directly to the hospital. I spoke to my OBGYN on the way, and she gave me a brief list of things that could be happening, including miscarriage. She told me what to do, and what I could expect to happen when we arrived. We waited in the ER waiting room for 20-30 minutes, which really wasn't too bad. I knew that there was probably nothing that could be done, whether I was miscarrying or not, so I tried to relax and be patient. G took a few minutes to pray over me, which helped me a lot. We both thought I was probably miscarrying, and we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally to receive that information from a doctor. Not long after we were taken back to a room, a nurse took me to another room to have some ultrasounds done. I also had more blood drawn, and another nurse came in to check my blood pressure. After waiting a little longer, a doctor came in to discuss the results of the tests.

It turns out that I have something called a "subchorionic hemorrhage," which is when blood pools up in a pocket between the amniotic sac and the uterine wall. Apparently these types of hemorrhages are fairly common, and as long as they aren't too big, they won't cause any problems. Often, the body will reabsorb the blood, or the pocket will drain, which would result in bleeding. In some cases, depending on the size of the hemorrhage, it can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall (which can cause a miscarriage). Fortunately, the hemorrhage I have is very small, so the doctor said I had a "threatened miscarriage." I had another appointment with my OBGYN on Tuesday, which worked out perfectly since the hemorrhage would need to be monitored closely. Fortunately, we found out that the hemorrhage had decreased since I was in the hospital, so it looks like the problem will resolve itself. The best part of the appointment was getting to see our baby! Of course, it's so tiny right now that it doesn't look much like a baby, but we were excited to take home the first ultrasound picture.

Here's the first picture of our little blueberry!

The next appointment with my OBGYN as well as my first appointment with the perinatologist will be in January. January 15, 2015 was Addie's due date, so I know next month will probably be challenging for us. Thank you all for your prayers!

The Lord Gives

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

This verse was in a frame on a table at our wedding. We loved it at the time because it was so true of our situation. We had both waited on the Lord for a spouse, and that desire was being fulfilled at last. It has new meaning for me as I read it now, because I'm pregnant again!

On the Sunday before Thanksgiving, with G by my side, I stared at that positive pregnancy test and wept. I was happy, but I also felt relieved. Though we were open to whatever God had planned for us in this area, we both thought it would probably be a little while before I got pregnant again. Yet in His goodness, God has chosen to bless us with another child right away! Our hearts are so full. If you go by the book, I'm six weeks pregnant. But since I keep detailed charts because of NFP, I think I'm only at three and a half weeks. The official due date (for now) is July 2015.

When everything happened with Addie, our hopes for children were definitely delayed (though not destroyed, 2 Corinthians 4:9). I know there will be a lot of bittersweet moments in our future. Hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, finding out the sex, and giving birth (hopefully at the normal time) are all things that will make us think of Addie and remember what it was like to go through those things with her. She is always on my mind, especially when I think of what is to come with this baby. Whether we have many years ahead of us with this baby, or whether the Lord brings him or her home before we would like, we trust Him. He has proven His love to us over and over again, and although we don't know what He has planned for our future, we take comfort in the knowledge that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Hopefully I'll be able to start my pregnancy updates again soon!

"...The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

Postpartum Update: 6 Week Checkup

I don't know why, but I've been eager for my six week postpartum checkup to arrive so I could get it over with. Maybe I saw it as the last appointment that was connected to grief, though I know I'll always think of our Addie at every appointment for any future pregnancies. Or maybe this final postpartum appointment was the last page in this chapter of our lives for me, and I wanted to be able to turn it and move on to the next one. Regardless of why, I was ready to be done. As the day for the appointment drew closer, I researched what is typically done at the six week checkup so I knew what to expect. There would probably be an examination, maybe some blood work, and also discussion about the next step. As usual, I made a list of any questions I wanted to ask the midwife. There were only a couple of questions this time, and nothing very important - mostly about various herbal supplements I wanted to take. I felt great, and knew my body was pretty much back to normal.

Yesterday finally arrived, and G and I drove to the midwifery for my appointment. Mom had taken me to most of my prenatal appointments when Addie was still with us, so I wanted her to be there as well. We met up with her in the waiting room, and after a few minutes, we were taken to the examination room. I stepped out briefly to another room so they could get my weight and blood pressure. The last time I was in there, the lab tech didn't know about what had happened. This time it was obvious that she knew, based on the well-meaning looks of pity she gave me. She said she was sorry for our loss, and handed me a form to fill out. When I looked at it, I couldn't help but laugh internally, because it was basically a depression survey. It shouldn't be funny, I know, because there are many people who have a very difficult time after they lose a baby. But by the grace of God, G and I are doing great, so I answered all of the questions positively.

When I was finished, the lab tech told me I could return to the examination room. I stepped across the hall to where G and Mom were, and waited for the midwife to see me. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was used to this, because there was usually a long wait, and I know it's probably like that whether you see a midwife or a normal OBGYN. However, after an hour of waiting with no sign of the midwife, I began to feel frustrated. The walls are not well insulated between each examination room, and I could just barely hear the doppler one room over as a midwife looked for the heartbeat of a pregnant woman's baby. I heard the steady thumping of what I hope was a very healthy heartbeat, and smiled as I remembered hearing Addie's for the first time. After listening to inaudible talking from the other rooms for a little while with our wait time pushing an hour and a half, the pity party began. I guess you're only a priority here if you're actually pregnant, I said to myself. As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew it was foolish. Selfish. Untrue. I asked the Lord to help me keep a good attitude. Then the midwife knocked at the door. She came in, sat down, asked me if my period had returned, and then told me I was good to go. That's it? No examination? We waited this long, just for the midwife to spend five seconds telling me I'm "fine?" I knew I was fine, but I expected more from this last appointment than that. I just lost a baby, after all. Surely they're supposed to do more than just ask me a couple of questions. At this point, I felt myself starting to get agitated, so I politely requested she examine me, which she agreed to do. She finished the examination - which was very quick - and restated that I was fine, then spent the next five minutes telling me things I already knew; things they had told me at my previous appointment. We left without having to make another appointment for anything, which was fine with me, since I am going with a different doctor and hospital if I get pregnant again.

We hit traffic on the way back, so G and I spent the remainder of our trip home discussing the appointment. He reminded me that I originally went with the midwives because they didn't do a ton of unnecessary examinations or medical interventions, so we probably should have known this appointment wouldn't be any different. He was right, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like more should have been done. I am happy though, because we've been given the green light to have another baby as soon as we want to (which for us, is right away). There's no second baby yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!

To my surprise, I felt relieved to leave the midwifery (and the hospital they worked out of) behind for good. The midwives had been great until Addie arrived, and I liked everyone there, but I'm glad that everything will be different (hopefully in a good way) if I conceive again. Although I wasn't as satisfied with my last appointment, I do feel even more peace about the situation, and about the direction I feel the Lord is leading us for if there is a next time. I'm hoping, praying, and believing that there will be! All that G and I want is for God's will to be accomplished in our lives, and we will follow Jesus wherever He may lead.

Other than being a little disappointed with how my appointment went, life has been good. The last few weeks have been spent researching different hospitals and doctors, because I want to have all of those decisions figured out in case I get pregnant again quickly. G and I went on a hospital tour (which is apparently an unusual thing to do when you aren't pregnant, but we're both planners), and I made an appointment with a different OBGYN (who actually goes to our church) so I can ask her the many questions I have compiled about what I can and can't do or opt out of for my next pregnancy. The appointment isn't until January, but it's scheduled, so I don't have to think about it for a while. I've also started helping out at our church a couple of days a week, and I've returned to the women's Bible study I stepped out of for a while.

Being the only person in a study on parenting without a child (at least on this earth) isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love to see the women with their babies, and hear about what each of them are experiencing with their children each week. Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about how I won't get to experience the ups and downs of parenting Adelyn, but then I remember where she is and Who she's with, and I am comforted again. More than one woman has reached out to me and told me they were praying for us, or that they read my blog and had something from our experience resonate with them. It amazes me how many people God has encouraged through the story of our baby girl. Things don't always go the way we expect (like my postpartum appointment), but God is never surprised, and He's always in control. I know He's not finished using her or us, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for our future.

Me and G a few days before our anniversary.

The days are turning cold now, but our hearts are warm. Before everything with Addie, I often wished that I could feel God's presence more clearly and love Him more deeply than I did before. Now I sense Him with us constantly in the most powerful way, and I feel like I could burst with love and gratitude for Jesus. Every day is a new and glorious gift from Him, unique with its own beauties and challenges. Sometimes there is sadness, but there is joy all of the time. And through Adelyn's precious life, He has reminded us how fleeting our own lives are. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we try to make the most of each day He gives us. I cherish my family and friends in ways that I didn't before, and I don't take any time I get with them for granted. God has blessed us so much, and He has proven His faithfulness and love to us over and over.

Get to know Him. Walk with Him. Trust Him in all things. I know I am young, but if I've learned anything in the 24 years that I've been on this earth, it's that Jesus is worth trusting. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. And when you place your life in His hands, nothing - not even death - will separate you from His unending love.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: 4 Weeks After Addie

Four weeks.

Has it really been four weeks since everything happened with Addie? As strange as it sounds, it seems like years have passed instead of weeks. Actually, most of the time it feels like it didn't happen at all; that it was just a dream I had, or something I saw in a movie or read in a book. I think, "Surely that happened to someone else." But then I see the box with her things, or the candle that my sister-in-law decorated with her name on it, or the dishes that recently held a warm dinner from thoughtful friends waiting to be returned, and I am reminded that it really did happen - and it happened to us. Then I close my eyes and I can replay with perfect detail the moments when she would start kicking. I remember what it felt like, and how it made me feel. I remember her perfect, doll-like face that looked so peaceful and beautiful. That was our baby. Then my mind will move from the pleasant memories to the more painful ones; the awful back labor, waiting for what felt like an eternity for the nurse to come in when G called her and said Addie was coming out, and the look of surprise when she finally did arrive and discovered that I was right. I remember being unable to react emotionally to seeing my husband and our families weep and mourn. And I remember G and I alone in the delivery room with Addie as we kissed and hugged her, and said our tearful goodbyes.

It's weird to think that if she had lived, she would already be four weeks old (and a month old on Sunday). I'm not naive enough to think that every year on her birthday, every holiday, and every 23rd week of any future pregnancies won't be spent thinking of her and wondering what she would have been like. Would she have liked ruffles, lace, and tea parties, or would she have preferred to climb trees, play paintball, or catch bugs? I liked all of it, so maybe she would have been like me. Or maybe she would have been like G, liking to build things, move around, and work on cars.

Things aren't as gloomy as they seem, though. I truly can write all of this with a light heart! There are things I won't get to experience with Addie, but I don't feel as though I have been robbed. She was God's before I ever knew she existed, and you can't steal something that already belongs to you. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on the life she could have had. Yes, I will wonder what if from time to time. But God is always good, and He knows what is best. Job 14:5 says that the number of months and days are determined by God, and that He has set limits on our lives that we cannot pass. Addie's life wasn't wasted, nor do I believe it was cut short. She lived exactly as long as she was supposed to, and every second of her life glorified God. I want the same to be said about me someday.

Physically, I think I'm back to the way I was before I was pregnant. Until week 3 postpartum, I didn't notice anything weird with my hormones. Then came the smell...the kind of smelly smell that smells smelly. I would get a whiff of myself and think, "Gross. I just showered! I shouldn't smell like this!" Fortunately it was only temporary, and now I don't have to put on my husband's deodorant or walk around with my arms pinned to my side all day like a penguin. I also noticed more of my hair would fall out if I brushed it. It's not like it was coming out in clumps or anything, but there were definitely more loose strands when I would wash or style it. I think it's almost back to normal, though. Emotionally, G and I are both doing extremely well. I know some people will just say that because they don't want people to know how much they are struggling, but I promise that I'm being honest! I have been a little grouchier this week, and would get agitated about little things for no reason, but I think that it is just the hormones (which seem to be leveling out now). Most of the time I feel perfectly normal.

I think I am going to check out different hospitals and doctors if I get pregnant again, so I've been compiling a list of questions to ask them. Though I really did love the midwives that I went to with Addie, I want to see what my options are. Right now, I'm wrestling with the question of whether or not it's worth me having to use that hospital again (which I did not like) so I can use the same midwives (who I liked a whole lot), or if it would be best for me to go elsewhere. G and I are open to whatever the Lord has planned for our future (whether that means I get pregnant again quickly or not), so there is no time like the present to be thinking about these things. I have another postpartum checkup on the 30th, so I will probably have more information to work with after that.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. They keep us going when we have hard days, and feed our hope in the fact that God is working all things together for our good and His glory.

"Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established." -Proverbs 4:25-26