Second Pregnancy Update: 11 Weeks

11 weeks today!

Fatigue: Mild
My energy is returning now, but I still tire out quickly if we run errands. Hopefully I will be back to normal very soon!

Food Aversions: Mild
The food aversions have almost completely gone away. The only time they pop up is when I've waited too long to eat. When that happens, nothing really sounds good to me anymore. If I eat every couple of hours, even if it's just a snack, then I can stomach most things. I'm still not able to eat very strong ethnic foods, though. Since I haven't wanted any, that hasn't been much of a problem. I've noticed that there are certain things I used to be able to eat that no longer appeal to me, such as black pepper (which is strange, since I used to love putting a lot of pepper on everything), and any canned chicken noodle soups. I haven't had homemade yet, but I think I'll be able to eat it just fine. Early on in this pregnancy, mashed potatoes sounded fairly good to me most of the time, but they haven't tasted great to me lately.

Cravings: None

Nausea: Mild
Sometimes, when I wait too long to eat, I start to feel a little nauseated. Other than that, I haven't had any problems with nausea over the last few weeks.

A Few Thoughts
On Tuesday, I had my 10 week checkup with my OB. Everything checked out okay, but I am still on pelvic rest (at least until we talk to the perinatologist in a couple of weeks), and I am back on the progesterone pills for the remainder of the first trimester. Though I would have liked to get the all-clear to return to a normal routine, I expected to hear this news at my appointment, so I'm not too bothered by it.

The last couple of weeks were a bit of a struggle for me (though I feel much better now). There was this weird combination of feelings swirling about inside of me. I was - and still am - very excited about this new baby, but part of me felt frustrated toward my unborn child because he or she isn't Addie. It's not fair to my baby, and I know it's silly, but that's just how I felt. If things had been different, I would likely still be pregnant with Adelyn right now (probably feeling as big as a house) and preparing for her arrival. But that's not how it worked out, and I really am okay with it, but grief plays out in strange ways.

I also felt afraid. I felt afraid because I felt like I had little choice in how this pregnancy plays out. The following questions haunted my mind almost daily:

• What if the doctor and hospital staff act like I don't know what's best for my baby, just because I didn't get a degree in medicine? What if they push me to do something I'm not comfortable with?
• What if I have to be on bed rest for the entire pregnancy?
• What if I have to have a C-section?
• What if the cerclage procedure works, but I experience all kinds of horrible side-effects?
• What if the cerclage procedure doesn't work, and I lose my baby anyway?
• What if this is what it will be like every time I get pregnant? Do I still want to try and have lots of children?

What if, what if, what if. When I was pregnant with Addie, my worst fears came true. What if they come true in this pregnancy, too? 

Why was I so freaked out, by the way? G and I just weathered the storm of losing our first child, and all was well with my soul. I trust God to take care of us, whatever happens. How could I be okay with the death of my baby girl, but not be okay with how this pregnancy was going? What had changed? The answer became clear to me this week:

I forgot the true purpose of my life, my calling as a wife and mother, and my suffering.

I was so focused on the picture I had in my mind of how things "should" be going, that I lost sight of the end goal: to glorify God. The answer to all of my "what if" questions is simple: If any of those things happen (and even if they don't), then God will help me get through it for His glory. Maybe things aren't going the way I want them to because something different has to happen for God to be most glorified through me and my unborn child.

"I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." -Ecclesiastes 3:14

God works so that people will be in awe of Him. He's not working to give me my fairytale life, or an uncomplicated pregnancy, or to produce well-behaved, homeschooled children who will make me proud and change the world. No. He already changed the world by taking the punishment for our sins upon Himself. When it comes down to it, that is the deepest desire of my heart anyway; that people would look at me (and my family) and be in awe of God's love, and goodness, and mercy. That's what I really want, if I think about it at all. So what if things don't go the way I planned? That doesn't scare God. He knows what to do, even when I don't. He takes the darkest, most hopeless situations and uses them in the most powerful ways for good. I, of all people, should know that by now.

I also forgot something very significant: This baby is not Addie. It sounds obvious, and of course I know that, but I've spent so much time comparing this pregnancy to how things were when I was pregnant with Addie. I've worried about experiencing each pregnancy milestone with this new baby (hearing the heartbeat, feeling kicks, finding out the sex) because of how I would handle it emotionally. Yet no matter how many times I compare the pregnancies in my mind, this baby will not become Adelyn. Addie's time has come and gone. This baby is just getting started, and whether he or she lives a long time, or just a little while, they will have their own purpose to fulfill in life. 

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." -Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings

My mom gave me a little wooden sign with this quote on it when I was pregnant with Addie. It's one of my favorite quotes from The Fellowship of the Ring, and I watched that movie again the other day. When it reached the part of the movie where Galadriel says these words, I cried. I cried, and I posted the quote on Facebook. Later on, I read a few comments that were posted in response. The first one was like a bucket of cold water waking me up after a long sleep:

"...the next smallest person will do the same...try to enjoy your pregnancy."

The next smallest person will do the same. 

Every thought has been about Addie. I haven't for one second stopped to consider the amazing fact that this new baby also has a purpose. He or she will also be used by God, just like Addie was. They are a completely different soul in a new little body, and he or she has their own unique calling to fulfill that I failed to recognize. Addie did change the course of the future, even if it was just mine, and this baby is going to do the same. No matter the circumstances.

Try to enjoy your pregnancy.

When I read that, I realized that I hadn't been trying at all. Until that moment, I had looked on the entirety of this pregnancy through a negative lens. I wasn't enjoying this pregnancy because I didn't want to enjoy it. That was both selfish, and stupid. I wanted to get pregnant again right away, and God fulfilled that desire. Instead of enjoying being pregnant, all I've done in response is complain about things not going my way, or how x, y, and z is inconveniencing my life. I'm such a fool! 

"How great is Your goodness that You have stored up for those who fear You, and accomplished in the sight of everyone for those who take refuge in You. You hide them in the protection of Your presence; You conceal them in a shelter from the schemes of men, from quarrelsome tongues. May the Lord be praised, for He has wonderfully shown His faithful love to me in a city under siege. In my alarm I had said, "I am cut off from Your sight." But You heard the sound of my pleading when I cried to You for help. Love the Lord, all His faithful ones. The Lord protects the loyal, but fully repays the arrogant. Be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:19-24

By the way, we heard this baby's heartbeat for the first time at my appointment, and it wasn't a difficult experience at all; it was wonderful! 160 beats per minute! Thank you, Lord. From now on, I'm going to do what I can to enjoy this pregnancy. Life doesn't stop being beautiful just because things don't go the way we expected them to. Children don't stop being a blessing, and God doesn't stop being good.