After Addie - Four Years Later (And A Six Month Update On Ella)

It's amazing how time flies. At this time, four years ago, I had kissed Addie goodbye for the last time, whispered "I love you" into her little ear, and laid her under the warmer. It was off. She didn't need it. She never did. Up to this point, I had not really felt much. But as I left her behind in that room, never to see her sweet face again, I finally started to feel. Tired. Hurt. Lost. Empty - both in my womb and my arms. A nurse wheeled me out of the hospital, my family following behind, and I sat in silence while tears streamed down my face. Having to leave her behind was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Even after four years, I still miss her. And there's a part of my heart that wishes things had been different. Then I look at my life now and think of all the things that wouldn't have happened if Adelyn had lived:

• The experience of strongly feeling the presence of God and hearing His voice in the midst of a crisis.
• The increased faith in the goodness of God and His sovereign plan.
• Tessa.
• Ella.
• The ability to empathize with others who have lost babies or older children.
• The great privilege of getting to comfort and encourage them in their pain.
• The honor of pointing others to Christ through our pain.
• The laying down of idols in my heart.
• Becoming closer with the members of my family.
• Training to become Stephen Ministers who walk alongside other Christians through difficult times.
• A deeper longing for Heaven.

And these are just a few. I can't even fathom the ways that God has already worked through Addie's story, or the ways that He will work in the future, and I can say without hesitation that it has been absolutely worth all of the pain. So today, like every year at this time, I am remembering and grieving and rejoicing and thanking God for all that He's done. And I'm hugging my two girls a little more tightly.

~~~

Speaking of two girls, I never did an update about Ella! Here's a brief overview of her story (and I will try and get a more detailed post up as soon as possible):

I went into labor with Ella at 38 weeks, three days. She came just before 5pm, via natural birth (though I did get some pain medicine during transition BECAUSE TRANSITION). She was exactly a pound heavier than Tessa at 6lbs, 11oz, and she was exactly two inches longer than Tessa at 19 1/2". The first couple of months were really difficult, going from one child in the home to two. I couldn't just sleep in when Ella was sleeping because there was another little girl to take care of, so I dealt with some major sleep deprivation! Also, nursing was very painful and challenging this time around (thankfully those issues were resolved). But after the two month mark, things started to get a lot better and we began to get more sleep. Ella sleeps through the night now, and started crawling at just over six months! No doubt she is trying to keep up with her big sister, whom she adores! It's so sweet to watch them interact.

The three of us in the hospital.

1 week old, and super unhappy about having her picture taken!

Month Photos

I did get pictures for the second and fourth months, but haven't put all of them together in an album yet.

Best friends!

Life with two is very different than life with one, but I love it! Thanks for all your prayers! God is so good to us.

After Addie - Two Years Later

We sat on our bed last night and talked. The clock on the dresser read "10:45pm" and G commented that exactly two years prior, we were at the hospital and I was in labor with Adelyn Jane.

Two years?

Has it really been that long? Sometimes I remember it as clearly as if it just happened, and other times it seems like the remnants of a forgotten story someone told me long ago. But every time I stop, close my eyes, and think back to that day, it's like a movie starts playing in my head and I can remember even the most trivial details.

I remember G driving me to the hospital and me riding shotgun with my feet up on the dash. For some reason, that position eased the discomfort of my contractions and I sat there trying to take deep, slow breaths. I remember the sound of our feet hitting the pavement as we walked around the hospital to the side entrance after finding out the main entrance was locked for the night. I remember the look on the midwife's face after she examined me and knowing before she said anything that we were about to get bad news. And after we talked to the specialist about our situation, I felt God speak to my heart and tell me exactly how the next few hours were going to play out: The labor wasn't going to stop, I was going to have my baby, and He was going to take her home. I remember feeling peace wash over me alongside the certainty that I felt about what was to come. I remember holding our Addie, who we were told had the faintest of heartbeats that would only last an hour, and being surprised by how normal she looked. At only half-way through the pregnancy, I expected her to look like a little alien. Yet there she was, fully-formed and the tiniest baby I had ever seen. Her little head was still warm for the moment, and it felt like velvet when I kissed it. I whispered "I love you" in her little ear. I didn't know whether or not she could hear me, but I wanted those words to be the first and last words that she heard.

For the rest of the night G and I took turns holding her and looking at her, or trying to get some rest. In the morning, sometime between 7:00-8:00, our families arrived. The nurse told us they were there and asked if she could bring them back. I told her "yes" and as she went back out the door to get them, I remember feeling a twinge of concern. Would they be worried? Would they be hurting? Of course they would. They just lost a family member. All of a sudden I was desperate for them to know that we were okay and that God had a purpose for all of this, and I wanted them to have the same peace I had at that moment. Shortly after the nurse left, the door opened again and one after another, our parents and my brother walked slowly - almost cautiously - into the room. All of them were quiet and solemn, and some of them already had wet faces. I smiled at them in what I imagine would be the same way I would have smiled if I'd had Addie at full term and she were merely sleeping in my arms. It wasn't forced, either. I really did feel pride and joy about that beautiful baby I had just given birth to. There were lots of tears, though not by me. Whether because of shock or meds or just the enormity of peace I felt in my soul, I couldn't get emotional. It's as if my heart was still in crisis mode. My tears would come later, when it was time to leave. I watched each family member hold our tiny baby girl. They hugged and kissed her, stared down at her little face, and talked about how beautiful she was. It was a sacred time and God's presence in that hospital room was the heaviest I had ever felt. There was no doubt in my mind that He was right there with us in our pain. He was right there with us when we buried Addie a few days later, and He's still with us today as we look back.

Lots of other things took place after that which you know about if you have followed this blog for a while, and here we are - two years later. God's grace and goodness astound me. He truly never wastes an experience, and He is still using our heartaches for His glory. G and I are doing well, and we can think and talk about Addie without grief. I love thinking of her and talking about her with other people. God has brought us both closure in our hearts, and so we have been able to move forward in confidence, without fear of the future. We still have peace, joy, and hope, and our lives have never been fuller! Tessa is growing up quickly, and we are enjoying each new stage as they come. She is brings so much happiness to our hearts. For a while now, we have been praying for God's wisdom to know how to reach out to others and serve and we are considering a path that would allow us to use Adelyn's story (which is really God's story) to lift up others who are hurting. We don't know if it's the direction the Lord is leading in yet, but we want to go where and do whatever will bring Him the most praise. He is good, guys. Trust Him.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves." -Psalm 126:5-6

After Addie - One Year Later

Our "Addie Rose" is blooming today.

When I sat down to write this post, I thought about all that has happened in the last year. It seems strange to think that I've given birth to two babies in twelve months. While I remember all that happened with our Addie Jane like it was yesterday, it also feels like she died a lifetime ago. Most of the time it doesn't even feel like something that happened to us, but that it's something we read in a novel or heard about on television. Yet it did happen, and here we are a year later continuing to move forward. Yes, there have been many moments of sorrow - especially in the weeks leading up to this day - but our minds and our hearts are at peace. 

Sweet smiles for us this morning!

It's funny how what you think and what you feel don't always line up. My head is totally okay and "over it" for lack of a better term, but my heart still feels the occasional pain and grief of being separated from my child. It's in those moments that I am especially grateful that the Lord blessed us with Tessa. When I feel sorrowful, I pick her up and hold her close. The sadness never lasts long, because she either starts screaming in my ear because she wants me to walk around the house with her or she starts filling her diaper! Her little personality makes me laugh, and her adorable smile lifts my spirits every time. A few days after she was born my father-in-law observed that she looks so much like her big sister, only jumbo-sized in comparison (which is saying something because she's still so little). It's a comfort to know that I will never forget what Adelyn looked like because I can see her in Tessa's sweet face.

After Addie died last year, I spent a lot of time thinking about my own life and eventual death (which I know sounds morbid). When an opportunity arose at my church to be a part of a David Jeremiah study called Revealing The Mysteries of Heaven, I signed up right away. I'm a Christian, and I believe what the Bible teaches about a literal Heaven and Hell. It also teaches that you don't get a second chance to make up your mind about Jesus Christ after you die, and that accepting His gift of salvation is the only way to go to Heaven. If you'd like to hear about what I'm learning, I'd be happy to share what I'm being taught in this study. Just ask! I would love to have a conversation with you about it and get your thoughts as well. Anyway, I mentioned the study because going through it has reaffirmed the confidence I have in the hope that I will get to see my baby girl again one day. I have no doubt that she is with her Savior right now, and that she is in a place more spectacular than any we've ever seen or heard of on this earth. 

Life is short; shorter than any of us realize. So as we remember Adelyn Jane on this day, her birthday, we're going to keep stepping forward without fear into whatever future God is leading us to. We're going to hold each other a little closer and take time to say "I love you." We're going to thank God for giving us Tessa and allowing us to have this time with her. We're going to think back over the many ways that God has been faithful to us. We may even cry. And tomorrow, we're going to visit Addie's grave with Tessa. She's too little to understand right now, but she will grow up knowing how God used her sister's life in mighty and powerful ways for His glory. I believe He will use Tessa's life to accomplish great things as well. Thank you all for your prayers, and thank you especially to the people who remembered what this day means to us without me having to say anything. Knowing she hasn't been forgotten means more to us than you could ever know!

"'Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also. You know the way where I am going.' 'Lord,' Thomas said, 'we don't know where You're going. How can we know the way?' Jesus told him, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.'" -John 14:1-6

Addie used to move and kick when we would play this song.

This song has new meaning to me at this point in my life. I love it.

It Is Finished - On Adelyn's Headstone and Victory Over Death

After Adelyn's death in September, G and I started looking into headstones for her grave. Our search slowed some about a month later when we found out the Lord had blessed us and I was pregnant again. We never stopped looking however, and almost ordered a custom stone from an online site. Before we decided to order it, some friends with connections to a headstone manufacturer offered to be our go-between and help us get a nice stone. They showed themselves to be the most devoted and compassionate of friends to us in our time of need and because of them, we were able to get a beautiful stone for half the cost of the online store. We picked it up a couple of months ago, and waited for the seasons to change so we wouldn't have to install it in the cold. G picked out the material (black granite) and we both chose the border and font. It turned out even more beautiful than I imagined. It's perfect.

On Saturday, two months after we picked it up from our friends, we finally had the chance to install her stone. The morning air was cool, but the sun was out and the sky was clear. G examined the burial site, took all of the necessary measurements, and began the task of installing the grass marker. Less than an hour later, the task was complete.

We loaded the tools in the back of the SUV, then G and I stood together and surveyed his work. After a moment of silence we said our customary goodbyes to Addie, climbed into the vehicle, and drove off toward the next event of the day. Though we've had closure in this situation for a while, both of us felt a little lighter when we left the church than we had when we arrived.

I am in awe of God, especially this week. He is continuing to use Addie's life to display His glory to us and to the world. We didn't determine ahead of time to install her headstone at this significant point in my pregnancy, but that's how the Lord worked it out for us. It's not a coincidence that Addie was born at 23 weeks and one day, and that on Easter Sunday I will be 23 weeks and one day in this new pregnancy. Nor is it a coincidence that she was born and died on a Friday, and that Christ-followers everywhere (including me and G) will remember His death on the cross for our sins on Good Friday. My eyes are now opened to the fascinating reality that as long as we live, when we think of our Adelyn Jane, we will also be reminded of the incredible gift that Jesus gave us (forgiveness of sins, a restored relationship with our Creator, and the promise of life spent with Him for all eternity) when He took the sins of the world upon Himself and paid the ultimate price for our freedom. Addie's life is finished, but because of Jesus, so is the control that death and sin had over our lives. We are free!

"When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, 'It is finished!' Then bowing His head, He gave up His spirit...So the soldiers came and broke the legs of the first man and of the other one who had been crucified with Him. When they came to Jesus, they did not break His legs since they saw that He was already dead." -John 19:30, 32-33

As strange as it will sound to some people, these amazing parallels make life worth the struggle. The words of King Theoden (The Two Towers) resonate within me when he says that "no parent should have to bury their child." Yet God buried His own Son for us so that we who must bury our own children can take heart and have hope. And although the body of my firstborn is still in her grave, the glorious truth is that the tomb of Jesus, the sinless Son of God, is empty! Because He died and rose again after taking the punishment for our sin upon Himself, we can look forward to spending eternity with our Savior and seeing our little girl again one day.

"After the Sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to view the tomb. Suddenly there was a violent earthquake, because an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and approached [the tomb]. He rolled back the stone and was sitting on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his robe was as white as snow. The guards were so shaken from fear of him that they became like dead men. But the angel told the women, 'Don't be afraid, because I know you are looking for Jesus who was crucified. He is not here! For He has been resurrected, just as He said. Come and see the place where He lay. Then go quickly and tell His disciples, "He has been raised from the dead. In fact, He is going ahead of you to Galilee; you will see Him there." Listen, I have told you.' So, departing quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, they ran to tell His disciples the news. Just then Jesus met them and said, 'Good morning!' They came up, took hold of His feet, and worshiped Him." -Matthew 28:1-9