Second Pregnancy Update: 9 Weeks

I'm nine weeks pregnant now, and It's funny how similar my current symptoms are to the ones I had at this stage with Addie. Here's what I've been experiencing over the last few weeks:

Fatigue: Moderate to Strong

Although I experienced lots of fatigue when I was pregnant with Adelyn, G and I both think that it has been much more intense this time. The progesterone pills I'm having to take list dizziness and drowsiness as some of the side-effects, so that could have something to do with it. Whatever the cause, I often feel like I could sleep all day long, and taking a nap doesn't determine how much I sleep at night. Today is the first day that I haven't felt exhausted, so maybe things are starting to improve.

Food Aversions: Very Strong

Last time, I had lots of food aversions, but smells didn't seem to bother me much. There were also a few things that I could eat without any problems. This time, smells of all kinds turn my stomach. Anything that smells strong - from greasy food to scented candles - sends me running from the room. Even smells I used to like are unbearable now! As far as food is concerned, there is very little that sounds good to me. And if I do manage to find something edible, I will only get a few bites down before I have to stop eating or switch to a different food. Sometimes a certain food will sound good, and the moment it's placed in front of me, my stomach starts to churn with displeasure. It's all part of the pregnancy process, but it can be very frustrating. Thankfully, there's a diner close to our house that is open 24/7/365 (no joke, and it's a pregnant lady's dream!), and we discovered that you can call in and place take out orders! Yesterday, I wanted some of their matzoh ball soup, so G picked up several things for me. It was the first meal I was able to eat a significant amount of in weeks! Today was my best day for eating so far, and if you know me, you know how exciting that is. Anyway, I have noticed that anything with a strong flavor or lots of seasonings really unsettles my stomach, so I'm trying to stay away from ethnic food until my eating gets better.

Cravings: Low to None

I didn't have many cravings at this point when I was pregnant with Addie, and it seems that is true for this pregnancy as well. There have been very few things that have sounded good to me, but a few things I have felt like eating have been a bean burrito from Taco Bell (gross, I know), potatoes and gravy from KFC (also gross, and I haven't had this yet), and of course, the matzoh ball soup. None of these things - except for the soup - have been "cravings," just things that haven't sounded awful. Although I normally eat very healthy, organic foods, I've noticed that I only crave junk when I'm pregnant. And if I eat it, I always regret it. Those "foods" just don't taste like they did when I was a child, and it's probably because my body loves healthy food now. I'm curious to see what foods I crave over the next few months. Please be fruits and veggies!

Nausea: Mild to Moderate

This is a new symptom for me, since I didn't experience morning sickness last time. Early on, I just felt mildly nauseated a couple of times a week. Now I feel nauseated every day, for at least a little while. There were a few days where I felt very strong nausea, and if I don't eat for several hours, it comes on very quickly. I haven't actually gotten sick yet, and I'm hoping that won't happen. Although with the moderate nausea, I would rather get it over with and feel better. Today, things have been significantly better. Although there were a few moments of mild nausea, I haven't felt this good in weeks!

Other Symptoms:

• The bleeding from the hemorrhage has stopped completely now.
• I had a lot of acne outbreaks on my face for several weeks, but those have significantly decreased over the last few days.
• I felt pretty achey all over on a few random days, but that seems to have improved as well.

A Few Thoughts
There have been times where I was tempted to be fearful about the future and discouraged because things haven't gone the way that I expected them to, but then I remember Who holds our future (and that of our baby). This has been a hard year for lots of people, including me and G, but God has not abandoned us in our struggles and heartaches. The future is uncertain, but the Lord is still on the throne. God doesn't always give me what I want, and it doesn't always feel pleasant. I don't always understand why or how things happen the way they do, but I do know that God uses all circumstances for good. I think oftentimes, the trials that we face in life - both big and small - have a much bigger purpose than we can understand. So whether I give the child in my womb back to Him earlier than I expect to (like with Addie), or I carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby, I trust Him. He's good all the time, and that truth is not dependent on my level of understanding about the situation. We're going to face lots of difficult things over the next year. It's going to be hard when we hear this baby's heartbeat for the first time, because my mind will go back to the first time we heard Addie's. We will struggle on January 15th, because that was Addie's due date. It will be bittersweet when we find out the sex, because the memories of that 20 week ultrasound - the special day we named our first child Adelyn Jane - will come rushing back. And if I reach and pass my 23rd week of pregnancy with this baby, there will be pain as we remember what happened at that point with Addie. G's birthday (as well as Adelyn's, which was the next day) will always have those painful memories attached to it. Yet look at the beautiful words of God that we can cling to in those hard times:

"Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy." -Psalm 126:5

"Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:30-31"

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, because the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are those who mourn, because they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:3-4

"We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh...Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:8-11, 16-18

"So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up." -Galatians 6:9

"I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

"Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:2-4

No matter what troubles you may have faced so far, or what troubles are yet to come, know that there is always a purpose for your pain. You alone must decide whether you will let your circumstances define you or refine you. Trust in the Lord, friend, and have faith. He loves you so much, and He's not finished with you yet!

Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Second Pregnancy Update: 7 Weeks

7 weeks! Not a great picture because
the lighting was bad inside.

The last couple of weeks have been really crazy for us. About a week and a half after I took my first pregnancy test, I decided to take another one. I admit that it was done purely out of emotion, not reason, which is the opposite from how I normally do things. When I found out I was pregnant with Addie, I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that reality. I ended up taking another test the following day, because I thought that the news would finally sink in with two positive tests. When I took the second test this time, it was after thinking about Addie. Again, the news was taking a while to sink in, so I thought another positive test would help. I took the test, waited three minutes, and was startled by the appearance of only one line. Negative? I had expected to see two lines again, so when I only saw one, I tried not to panic. As I stared at the test, I noticed that the left line (the line that normally appears when you get a positive result) was there, but the right line (the one that is always there regardless of the result) wasn't showing up. On the test itself and even on the box, that right line was always pictured. Maybe there has been some kind of mistake. I asked the Lord for help, texted G to tell him what happened, and called my mom, who then told me to call the doctor's office and ask them what I should do. I left a message on the nurse's answering machine, and waited for her to return my call.

Mom decided to come over so that I wouldn't be by myself, bringing more tests with her in case I felt like taking another one later. Maybe the first one was defective, or I was reading the result incorrectly. The nurse called back around lunchtime and told me to come in for a blood test. During this time, Mom had scoured the internet to see if she could find anything about the right line disappearing while the left line shows up. She read on one site that another lady experienced the same situation. That lady called the pregnancy test company to ask about her result, and they told her that her hormone levels were so high that it caused the right test line to disappear. Whether that happened to me or not, it eased my mind. The results of the first test came back the next day, and everything was fine. I was definitely pregnant, and all my levels were normal. I went on another day for a second blood test to make sure my hormone levels were increasing properly, and they were. So in hindsight, I feel a little silly for not just accepting my first positive pregnancy test. If I had not taken the second test, it would have prevented a lot of stress.

Last weekend was also stressful. My brother came to stay with us for a few days (which was great), and after service on Sunday, I went to the restroom and discovered that I had bled through all of my clothes. My heart sank a little and I thought, I'm having a miscarriage. I'm losing this baby too. In the midst of my concern, I remembered that God was still in control, and that He would take care of us. We quickly left the church and drove directly to the hospital. I spoke to my OBGYN on the way, and she gave me a brief list of things that could be happening, including miscarriage. She told me what to do, and what I could expect to happen when we arrived. We waited in the ER waiting room for 20-30 minutes, which really wasn't too bad. I knew that there was probably nothing that could be done, whether I was miscarrying or not, so I tried to relax and be patient. G took a few minutes to pray over me, which helped me a lot. We both thought I was probably miscarrying, and we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally to receive that information from a doctor. Not long after we were taken back to a room, a nurse took me to another room to have some ultrasounds done. I also had more blood drawn, and another nurse came in to check my blood pressure. After waiting a little longer, a doctor came in to discuss the results of the tests.

It turns out that I have something called a "subchorionic hemorrhage," which is when blood pools up in a pocket between the amniotic sac and the uterine wall. Apparently these types of hemorrhages are fairly common, and as long as they aren't too big, they won't cause any problems. Often, the body will reabsorb the blood, or the pocket will drain, which would result in bleeding. In some cases, depending on the size of the hemorrhage, it can cause the placenta to separate from the uterine wall (which can cause a miscarriage). Fortunately, the hemorrhage I have is very small, so the doctor said I had a "threatened miscarriage." I had another appointment with my OBGYN on Tuesday, which worked out perfectly since the hemorrhage would need to be monitored closely. Fortunately, we found out that the hemorrhage had decreased since I was in the hospital, so it looks like the problem will resolve itself. The best part of the appointment was getting to see our baby! Of course, it's so tiny right now that it doesn't look much like a baby, but we were excited to take home the first ultrasound picture.

Here's the first picture of our little blueberry!

The next appointment with my OBGYN as well as my first appointment with the perinatologist will be in January. January 15, 2015 was Addie's due date, so I know next month will probably be challenging for us. Thank you all for your prayers!

The Lord Gives

"Delayed hope makes the heart sick, but fulfilled desire is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

This verse was in a frame on a table at our wedding. We loved it at the time because it was so true of our situation. We had both waited on the Lord for a spouse, and that desire was being fulfilled at last. It has new meaning for me as I read it now, because I'm pregnant again!

On the Sunday before Thanksgiving, with G by my side, I stared at that positive pregnancy test and wept. I was happy, but I also felt relieved. Though we were open to whatever God had planned for us in this area, we both thought it would probably be a little while before I got pregnant again. Yet in His goodness, God has chosen to bless us with another child right away! Our hearts are so full. If you go by the book, I'm six weeks pregnant. But since I keep detailed charts because of NFP, I think I'm only at three and a half weeks. The official due date (for now) is July 2015.

When everything happened with Addie, our hopes for children were definitely delayed (though not destroyed, 2 Corinthians 4:9). I know there will be a lot of bittersweet moments in our future. Hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, finding out the sex, and giving birth (hopefully at the normal time) are all things that will make us think of Addie and remember what it was like to go through those things with her. She is always on my mind, especially when I think of what is to come with this baby. Whether we have many years ahead of us with this baby, or whether the Lord brings him or her home before we would like, we trust Him. He has proven His love to us over and over again, and although we don't know what He has planned for our future, we take comfort in the knowledge that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

Hopefully I'll be able to start my pregnancy updates again soon!

"...The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of the Lord." -Job 1:21

Postpartum Update: 6 Week Checkup

I don't know why, but I've been eager for my six week postpartum checkup to arrive so I could get it over with. Maybe I saw it as the last appointment that was connected to grief, though I know I'll always think of our Addie at every appointment for any future pregnancies. Or maybe this final postpartum appointment was the last page in this chapter of our lives for me, and I wanted to be able to turn it and move on to the next one. Regardless of why, I was ready to be done. As the day for the appointment drew closer, I researched what is typically done at the six week checkup so I knew what to expect. There would probably be an examination, maybe some blood work, and also discussion about the next step. As usual, I made a list of any questions I wanted to ask the midwife. There were only a couple of questions this time, and nothing very important - mostly about various herbal supplements I wanted to take. I felt great, and knew my body was pretty much back to normal.

Yesterday finally arrived, and G and I drove to the midwifery for my appointment. Mom had taken me to most of my prenatal appointments when Addie was still with us, so I wanted her to be there as well. We met up with her in the waiting room, and after a few minutes, we were taken to the examination room. I stepped out briefly to another room so they could get my weight and blood pressure. The last time I was in there, the lab tech didn't know about what had happened. This time it was obvious that she knew, based on the well-meaning looks of pity she gave me. She said she was sorry for our loss, and handed me a form to fill out. When I looked at it, I couldn't help but laugh internally, because it was basically a depression survey. It shouldn't be funny, I know, because there are many people who have a very difficult time after they lose a baby. But by the grace of God, G and I are doing great, so I answered all of the questions positively.

When I was finished, the lab tech told me I could return to the examination room. I stepped across the hall to where G and Mom were, and waited for the midwife to see me. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was used to this, because there was usually a long wait, and I know it's probably like that whether you see a midwife or a normal OBGYN. However, after an hour of waiting with no sign of the midwife, I began to feel frustrated. The walls are not well insulated between each examination room, and I could just barely hear the doppler one room over as a midwife looked for the heartbeat of a pregnant woman's baby. I heard the steady thumping of what I hope was a very healthy heartbeat, and smiled as I remembered hearing Addie's for the first time. After listening to inaudible talking from the other rooms for a little while with our wait time pushing an hour and a half, the pity party began. I guess you're only a priority here if you're actually pregnant, I said to myself. As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew it was foolish. Selfish. Untrue. I asked the Lord to help me keep a good attitude. Then the midwife knocked at the door. She came in, sat down, asked me if my period had returned, and then told me I was good to go. That's it? No examination? We waited this long, just for the midwife to spend five seconds telling me I'm "fine?" I knew I was fine, but I expected more from this last appointment than that. I just lost a baby, after all. Surely they're supposed to do more than just ask me a couple of questions. At this point, I felt myself starting to get agitated, so I politely requested she examine me, which she agreed to do. She finished the examination - which was very quick - and restated that I was fine, then spent the next five minutes telling me things I already knew; things they had told me at my previous appointment. We left without having to make another appointment for anything, which was fine with me, since I am going with a different doctor and hospital if I get pregnant again.

We hit traffic on the way back, so G and I spent the remainder of our trip home discussing the appointment. He reminded me that I originally went with the midwives because they didn't do a ton of unnecessary examinations or medical interventions, so we probably should have known this appointment wouldn't be any different. He was right, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like more should have been done. I am happy though, because we've been given the green light to have another baby as soon as we want to (which for us, is right away). There's no second baby yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!

To my surprise, I felt relieved to leave the midwifery (and the hospital they worked out of) behind for good. The midwives had been great until Addie arrived, and I liked everyone there, but I'm glad that everything will be different (hopefully in a good way) if I conceive again. Although I wasn't as satisfied with my last appointment, I do feel even more peace about the situation, and about the direction I feel the Lord is leading us for if there is a next time. I'm hoping, praying, and believing that there will be! All that G and I want is for God's will to be accomplished in our lives, and we will follow Jesus wherever He may lead.

Other than being a little disappointed with how my appointment went, life has been good. The last few weeks have been spent researching different hospitals and doctors, because I want to have all of those decisions figured out in case I get pregnant again quickly. G and I went on a hospital tour (which is apparently an unusual thing to do when you aren't pregnant, but we're both planners), and I made an appointment with a different OBGYN (who actually goes to our church) so I can ask her the many questions I have compiled about what I can and can't do or opt out of for my next pregnancy. The appointment isn't until January, but it's scheduled, so I don't have to think about it for a while. I've also started helping out at our church a couple of days a week, and I've returned to the women's Bible study I stepped out of for a while.

Being the only person in a study on parenting without a child (at least on this earth) isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love to see the women with their babies, and hear about what each of them are experiencing with their children each week. Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about how I won't get to experience the ups and downs of parenting Adelyn, but then I remember where she is and Who she's with, and I am comforted again. More than one woman has reached out to me and told me they were praying for us, or that they read my blog and had something from our experience resonate with them. It amazes me how many people God has encouraged through the story of our baby girl. Things don't always go the way we expect (like my postpartum appointment), but God is never surprised, and He's always in control. I know He's not finished using her or us, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for our future.

Me and G a few days before our anniversary.

The days are turning cold now, but our hearts are warm. Before everything with Addie, I often wished that I could feel God's presence more clearly and love Him more deeply than I did before. Now I sense Him with us constantly in the most powerful way, and I feel like I could burst with love and gratitude for Jesus. Every day is a new and glorious gift from Him, unique with its own beauties and challenges. Sometimes there is sadness, but there is joy all of the time. And through Adelyn's precious life, He has reminded us how fleeting our own lives are. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we try to make the most of each day He gives us. I cherish my family and friends in ways that I didn't before, and I don't take any time I get with them for granted. God has blessed us so much, and He has proven His faithfulness and love to us over and over.

Get to know Him. Walk with Him. Trust Him in all things. I know I am young, but if I've learned anything in the 24 years that I've been on this earth, it's that Jesus is worth trusting. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. And when you place your life in His hands, nothing - not even death - will separate you from His unending love.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: 4 Weeks After Addie

Four weeks.

Has it really been four weeks since everything happened with Addie? As strange as it sounds, it seems like years have passed instead of weeks. Actually, most of the time it feels like it didn't happen at all; that it was just a dream I had, or something I saw in a movie or read in a book. I think, "Surely that happened to someone else." But then I see the box with her things, or the candle that my sister-in-law decorated with her name on it, or the dishes that recently held a warm dinner from thoughtful friends waiting to be returned, and I am reminded that it really did happen - and it happened to us. Then I close my eyes and I can replay with perfect detail the moments when she would start kicking. I remember what it felt like, and how it made me feel. I remember her perfect, doll-like face that looked so peaceful and beautiful. That was our baby. Then my mind will move from the pleasant memories to the more painful ones; the awful back labor, waiting for what felt like an eternity for the nurse to come in when G called her and said Addie was coming out, and the look of surprise when she finally did arrive and discovered that I was right. I remember being unable to react emotionally to seeing my husband and our families weep and mourn. And I remember G and I alone in the delivery room with Addie as we kissed and hugged her, and said our tearful goodbyes.

It's weird to think that if she had lived, she would already be four weeks old (and a month old on Sunday). I'm not naive enough to think that every year on her birthday, every holiday, and every 23rd week of any future pregnancies won't be spent thinking of her and wondering what she would have been like. Would she have liked ruffles, lace, and tea parties, or would she have preferred to climb trees, play paintball, or catch bugs? I liked all of it, so maybe she would have been like me. Or maybe she would have been like G, liking to build things, move around, and work on cars.

Things aren't as gloomy as they seem, though. I truly can write all of this with a light heart! There are things I won't get to experience with Addie, but I don't feel as though I have been robbed. She was God's before I ever knew she existed, and you can't steal something that already belongs to you. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on the life she could have had. Yes, I will wonder what if from time to time. But God is always good, and He knows what is best. Job 14:5 says that the number of months and days are determined by God, and that He has set limits on our lives that we cannot pass. Addie's life wasn't wasted, nor do I believe it was cut short. She lived exactly as long as she was supposed to, and every second of her life glorified God. I want the same to be said about me someday.

Physically, I think I'm back to the way I was before I was pregnant. Until week 3 postpartum, I didn't notice anything weird with my hormones. Then came the smell...the kind of smelly smell that smells smelly. I would get a whiff of myself and think, "Gross. I just showered! I shouldn't smell like this!" Fortunately it was only temporary, and now I don't have to put on my husband's deodorant or walk around with my arms pinned to my side all day like a penguin. I also noticed more of my hair would fall out if I brushed it. It's not like it was coming out in clumps or anything, but there were definitely more loose strands when I would wash or style it. I think it's almost back to normal, though. Emotionally, G and I are both doing extremely well. I know some people will just say that because they don't want people to know how much they are struggling, but I promise that I'm being honest! I have been a little grouchier this week, and would get agitated about little things for no reason, but I think that it is just the hormones (which seem to be leveling out now). Most of the time I feel perfectly normal.

I think I am going to check out different hospitals and doctors if I get pregnant again, so I've been compiling a list of questions to ask them. Though I really did love the midwives that I went to with Addie, I want to see what my options are. Right now, I'm wrestling with the question of whether or not it's worth me having to use that hospital again (which I did not like) so I can use the same midwives (who I liked a whole lot), or if it would be best for me to go elsewhere. G and I are open to whatever the Lord has planned for our future (whether that means I get pregnant again quickly or not), so there is no time like the present to be thinking about these things. I have another postpartum checkup on the 30th, so I will probably have more information to work with after that.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. They keep us going when we have hard days, and feed our hope in the fact that God is working all things together for our good and His glory.

"Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established." -Proverbs 4:25-26

Postnatal Update: First Checkup

Before I was discharged from the hospital, the midwife told me I would need to come in after a few weeks for a postnatal checkup. I was already scheduled to come today for my glucose test, so she said I could keep the same appointment date. Yesterday afternoon, I called the midwifery to confirm my appointment and double-check the time, only to find out that it had been cancelled by someone in the office. After giving some information about my situation, they rescheduled my appointment for the same time.

We (G, Mom, and I) went to the appointment today, and I noticed right away that the ladies on staff didn't seem to understand what had happened. Part of the checkup routine is to get my weight, blood pressure, and a urine sample, and while they were getting my blood pressure, one of the ladies asked me some standard questions. When she asked if I was nursing, I was certain that there had been a drop in communication somewhere about my time in the hospital. The question didn't offend or upset me, and I didn't want to make her feel bad by explaining the situation, so I just answered "no ma'am." She then asked if I'd given birth to a boy, and when I said the baby was a girl, she congratulated me. Again, this wasn't offensive to me at all. Personally, I feel congratulations are very appropriate. I am, after all, a mother now; even if I didn't get to take Addie home.

The three of us waited in a room for the doctor for a while, and when she came in, she asked me to tell her what happened from the beginning. I recounted our story as best as I could, and explained that we had come to this appointment in the hope of getting some answers that the hospital was either unable or unwilling to give us. We also were hoping to get some direction on what our next step should be. When we finished our account, she apologized once again for the confusion, and informed us that it was unacceptable. She then asked about the test results for the placenta, and I told her we were not told anything about that (plus, I didn't even know testing was part of the procedure), and she said she would go and check my file.

While she was gone, the midwife who saw me at the hospital came in and spoke with us. She asked how I was, and she seemed uncertain when I told her I was doing very well. I guess she thinks I'm still in shock or something, because I know how strange it must be to see someone act calm and normal after going through what we've been through. Anyway, we discussed my symptoms and then she gave her professional opinion about the situation with Addie. She felt confident that there had been nothing wrong with me or my sweet girl, and that the only reason that made sense in her mind for why any of this happened was that I may have an incompetent cervix. I had never heard of such a thing before Addie's passing, at which point G's brother mentioned it to us as a possibility. If that were the cause, it simply means that my cervical muscle is weak, and that it couldn't handle Addie's increasing weight. Because my contractions became painful after I was fully (or mostly) dilated, the midwife believed that the weight of the amniotic sac and fluid combined with Addie's weight caused my cervix to dilate prematurely, which is likely what caused the contractions to start. To prevent this from happening in the future, a perinatal specialist would cinch my cervix shut with a special knot in week 14 of my next pregnancy. This is called a cervical cerclage, and it would remain in place until I reached 36 weeks, at which point the knot would be cut to allow the pregnancy and labor to progress naturally. The doctor came back after a little while, and she informed us that the results of the placenta test were normal, and that there had been no indications of infection or other issues that could have caused early separation. Then she also mentioned the cervical cerclage as a good option, and left us again with the midwife. After answering any remaining questions we had, the appointment came to an end, and we headed home.

It's a relief to know that there were no other medical issues, and that - as I already believed - there had been nothing wrong with Adelyn or with me. My instincts, as far as anyone can tell, were correct. A small part of me felt sad today at the thought that Addie's situation could have possibly been prevented (if only in theory) with a cerclage, but I believe that if God's will had been for her to live, He would have allowed her to live. Logically, I know that even if I had heard about a cervical cerclage beforehand, there would have been no reason for anyone to believe I needed one. You can't test for an incompetent cervix, after all. And before anyone starts to worry about me, I do know that I am not to blame, so I don't feel any guilt. I just really miss my baby.

This week has been pretty good for me. I did have a hard day yesterday, though. I spent a lot of time driving in traffic, which made me really tired. When I get tired, I get emotional, so I cried off and on a lot for the remainder of the day. Then, last night, I suddenly felt frustrated over the lack of concern that I was shown by the hospital staff (not the midwife or midwifery, since the hospital took over after we learned about my condition). It hasn't bothered me for almost two weeks, and then for some reason, it suddenly did. It was all emotion though, because I know that even if they had been really encouraging, informative, and attentive, it wouldn't have changed what happened. What I felt was fleeting though, and likely caused by postpartum hormones, because I was my normal self today.

It has started to sink in that this is our life now. Every year, as long as we live, we will celebrate her birthday without her. Every year, both on G's birthday and hers, we will replay everything that happened - from the contractions to kissing her goodbye after we were discharged - in our heads. It's not nice, and it won't always feel good, but it is good because God is good. He hasn't left us on our own, and He never will. It won't always hurt either, and it doesn't most of the time anyway (at least for me). Most of the time, the memories of sweet Addie Jane bring us happiness. But on the days that it does hurt, we can cling to the hope of a glorious reunion and spending eternity in the presence of Christ together.

"To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." -2 Peter 3:18

Postpartum Update: One Week After Addie

It's strange to think that a week ago yesterday, our little girl had gone to be with the Lord and we were waiting to be discharged from the hospital. It both feels like something that happened years ago and like something that happened yesterday. I'm not sure how it's possible to feel both things simultaneously, but somehow it is.

G went back to work on Tuesday, and has gone every day this week since then. He didn't stay as long each day as he normally does, but his bosses graciously told him to stay home as much as he needed to. It helps him to have work as a distraction, and whenever he starts to feel sad, he comes home. I've had family and friends visit every day, which eases G's mind because he doesn't have to feel badly about leaving me at home by myself. My only real need has been for company, and God has met that need this week. I know eventually I will have to be on my own for most of the day, but it's been nice to be surrounded by people this week who love me while Hubby is at work. My mother in law took me to Home Depot on Wednesday, and we got all kinds of flowers. That afternoon, she and I (along with G) replanted some pots that were on our porch, planted a container she had given G for his birthday, and made a bed of pansies beside the driveway. There is something therapeutic about gardening, and it was so nice to spend time with her.

While G has usually felt most solemn in the afternoon, I've felt my saddest in the evening - probably because I start to get tired. Although we've both had our emotional moments this week (which were amazingly few and far between), we are doing surprisingly well. I can only attribute this to the mercy and grace of God, because if we didn't have this supernatural sense of peace and joy, I don't know how we would make it. I honestly don't know how anybody can go through anything remotely difficult without Jesus.

I got this picture in an email after the "salad in the shirt" incident.

Physically, I'm doing very well also. My chest and abdomen no longer hurt, and it seems like my body is going back to normal. I tire out easily, so I am getting as much rest as I can. Emotionally, I am very well also. I've found that I will often resort to humor when I am dealing with grief, which usually includes lots of facetious comments and "too soon" jokes. G isn't bothered by them at all (thank goodness), but I will probably keep them to myself so that they don't upset other people! I have also been remembering humorous things that have happened at various points since we went to the hospital, such as hearing Dad's ringtone just as we were getting the bad news, and accidentally using lettuce leaves as a natural ice pack instead of cabbage leaves (which I jokingly called "salad").

Most of the time, everything seems normal. I haven't forgotten Addie in the least, and in the rare moment that her little face does slip from my mind, it quickly returns. It's something I remember with happiness, rather than the deep sadness and grief I expected to feel. As I said before, there are sad moments from time to time, but they are brief and uncommon. It was a blessing and a privilege to have her in our lives for as long as we did. The hardest part for us has been seeing the obvious discomfort or awkwardness displayed by others. It's as if some people are holding us at arms' length, or putting a wall up in their hearts. I know we all deal with grief differently, and I can't expect them to act normally if things don't feel normal for them in the way that they do for us. However, it does make it harder. We really are doing well, and we can talk about all that has happened (or not talk about it, if they prefer) with anyone. Feel free to ask us questions about any part of this experience, and know that it's okay to show emotion. We can handle that just fine, but please don't push us away, because we're here for you as you are here for us. You don't have to say or do anything else.

G and I have been surprised by how easy this burden is for us to bear, and I'm reminded of Jesus's words in Matthew 11:29-30:

"All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

He truly has replaced our heavy burdens with light ones. Things that I thought would be hard have not been a problem at all. I walk by the crib we bought pretty much every day, and it doesn't bother me. I see the bag of baby clothes from family members and am happy because I know that they'll be put to use someday - whether by me or someone else. I see the box that holds Addie's ultrasound photos, her foot and hand prints, and the extra outfit that came with the doll clothes my mother bought to bury her in, and it only makes me smile. Other people have had babies and posted pictures of their sweet children on Facebook, and I can genuinely celebrate alongside them without sorrow. 

Some sweet friends brought us dinner last night and we ate, laughed, talked, and teared up together. They have a new baby, and when they originally asked to bring us food, I encouraged them to stay and enjoy it with us and to bring their sweet little girl. Though I knew I wouldn't have any problems mentally with having a little baby around, I wasn't sure how I would react emotionally. I did react, just not in the way I expected to. Seeing her sweet face and marveling at how tiny Addie was in comparison warmed my heart. After dinner, I even had the honor of holding her in my arms. In that moment my heart felt so light! She was nothing like my baby (though still absolutely perfect, sweet, and beautiful), but holding her brought an incredible healing. It was refreshing both to my arms that had felt empty and to my soul. Every time G would look at her, she would break out into the most adorable smile. Babies truly are a balm. God used that baby's parents to heal us as well, because their love for us and their friendship was so evident in our time together. We are truly blessed to have them (and all of you) in our lives.

On Thursday, we will head to the midwifery for my first postnatal appointment. Mom is going with us, and I'm sure we will all have lots of questions to ask the midwife. I don't need to know how or why this happened to us because God has given me His peace, but if they have any insights that would be valuable to share, I would certainly like to hear them. This appointment will be the first of many steps forward into an uncertain (yet hopeful) future. If it comes to your mind that day, please keep us in your prayers. 

"Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus' life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith in accordance with what is written, I believed, therefore I spoke, we also believe, and therefore speak, knowing that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and present us with you. For all this is because of you, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to overflow to God's glory. Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. For we know that if our earthly house, a tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." -2 Corinthians 4:7-5:1