Postpartum Update: 6 Week Checkup

I don't know why, but I've been eager for my six week postpartum checkup to arrive so I could get it over with. Maybe I saw it as the last appointment that was connected to grief, though I know I'll always think of our Addie at every appointment for any future pregnancies. Or maybe this final postpartum appointment was the last page in this chapter of our lives for me, and I wanted to be able to turn it and move on to the next one. Regardless of why, I was ready to be done. As the day for the appointment drew closer, I researched what is typically done at the six week checkup so I knew what to expect. There would probably be an examination, maybe some blood work, and also discussion about the next step. As usual, I made a list of any questions I wanted to ask the midwife. There were only a couple of questions this time, and nothing very important - mostly about various herbal supplements I wanted to take. I felt great, and knew my body was pretty much back to normal.

Yesterday finally arrived, and G and I drove to the midwifery for my appointment. Mom had taken me to most of my prenatal appointments when Addie was still with us, so I wanted her to be there as well. We met up with her in the waiting room, and after a few minutes, we were taken to the examination room. I stepped out briefly to another room so they could get my weight and blood pressure. The last time I was in there, the lab tech didn't know about what had happened. This time it was obvious that she knew, based on the well-meaning looks of pity she gave me. She said she was sorry for our loss, and handed me a form to fill out. When I looked at it, I couldn't help but laugh internally, because it was basically a depression survey. It shouldn't be funny, I know, because there are many people who have a very difficult time after they lose a baby. But by the grace of God, G and I are doing great, so I answered all of the questions positively.

When I was finished, the lab tech told me I could return to the examination room. I stepped across the hall to where G and Mom were, and waited for the midwife to see me. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was used to this, because there was usually a long wait, and I know it's probably like that whether you see a midwife or a normal OBGYN. However, after an hour of waiting with no sign of the midwife, I began to feel frustrated. The walls are not well insulated between each examination room, and I could just barely hear the doppler one room over as a midwife looked for the heartbeat of a pregnant woman's baby. I heard the steady thumping of what I hope was a very healthy heartbeat, and smiled as I remembered hearing Addie's for the first time. After listening to inaudible talking from the other rooms for a little while with our wait time pushing an hour and a half, the pity party began. I guess you're only a priority here if you're actually pregnant, I said to myself. As soon as the thought entered my head, I knew it was foolish. Selfish. Untrue. I asked the Lord to help me keep a good attitude. Then the midwife knocked at the door. She came in, sat down, asked me if my period had returned, and then told me I was good to go. That's it? No examination? We waited this long, just for the midwife to spend five seconds telling me I'm "fine?" I knew I was fine, but I expected more from this last appointment than that. I just lost a baby, after all. Surely they're supposed to do more than just ask me a couple of questions. At this point, I felt myself starting to get agitated, so I politely requested she examine me, which she agreed to do. She finished the examination - which was very quick - and restated that I was fine, then spent the next five minutes telling me things I already knew; things they had told me at my previous appointment. We left without having to make another appointment for anything, which was fine with me, since I am going with a different doctor and hospital if I get pregnant again.

We hit traffic on the way back, so G and I spent the remainder of our trip home discussing the appointment. He reminded me that I originally went with the midwives because they didn't do a ton of unnecessary examinations or medical interventions, so we probably should have known this appointment wouldn't be any different. He was right, of course, but I couldn't help but feel like more should have been done. I am happy though, because we've been given the green light to have another baby as soon as we want to (which for us, is right away). There's no second baby yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!

To my surprise, I felt relieved to leave the midwifery (and the hospital they worked out of) behind for good. The midwives had been great until Addie arrived, and I liked everyone there, but I'm glad that everything will be different (hopefully in a good way) if I conceive again. Although I wasn't as satisfied with my last appointment, I do feel even more peace about the situation, and about the direction I feel the Lord is leading us for if there is a next time. I'm hoping, praying, and believing that there will be! All that G and I want is for God's will to be accomplished in our lives, and we will follow Jesus wherever He may lead.

Other than being a little disappointed with how my appointment went, life has been good. The last few weeks have been spent researching different hospitals and doctors, because I want to have all of those decisions figured out in case I get pregnant again quickly. G and I went on a hospital tour (which is apparently an unusual thing to do when you aren't pregnant, but we're both planners), and I made an appointment with a different OBGYN (who actually goes to our church) so I can ask her the many questions I have compiled about what I can and can't do or opt out of for my next pregnancy. The appointment isn't until January, but it's scheduled, so I don't have to think about it for a while. I've also started helping out at our church a couple of days a week, and I've returned to the women's Bible study I stepped out of for a while.

Being the only person in a study on parenting without a child (at least on this earth) isn't as hard as I thought it would be. I love to see the women with their babies, and hear about what each of them are experiencing with their children each week. Sometimes I feel a little down when I think about how I won't get to experience the ups and downs of parenting Adelyn, but then I remember where she is and Who she's with, and I am comforted again. More than one woman has reached out to me and told me they were praying for us, or that they read my blog and had something from our experience resonate with them. It amazes me how many people God has encouraged through the story of our baby girl. Things don't always go the way we expect (like my postpartum appointment), but God is never surprised, and He's always in control. I know He's not finished using her or us, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for our future.

Me and G a few days before our anniversary.

The days are turning cold now, but our hearts are warm. Before everything with Addie, I often wished that I could feel God's presence more clearly and love Him more deeply than I did before. Now I sense Him with us constantly in the most powerful way, and I feel like I could burst with love and gratitude for Jesus. Every day is a new and glorious gift from Him, unique with its own beauties and challenges. Sometimes there is sadness, but there is joy all of the time. And through Adelyn's precious life, He has reminded us how fleeting our own lives are. We aren't promised tomorrow, so we try to make the most of each day He gives us. I cherish my family and friends in ways that I didn't before, and I don't take any time I get with them for granted. God has blessed us so much, and He has proven His faithfulness and love to us over and over.

Get to know Him. Walk with Him. Trust Him in all things. I know I am young, but if I've learned anything in the 24 years that I've been on this earth, it's that Jesus is worth trusting. In good times and bad. In sickness and health. And when you place your life in His hands, nothing - not even death - will separate you from His unending love.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" -Romans 8:38-39

Postpartum Update: 4 Weeks After Addie

Four weeks.

Has it really been four weeks since everything happened with Addie? As strange as it sounds, it seems like years have passed instead of weeks. Actually, most of the time it feels like it didn't happen at all; that it was just a dream I had, or something I saw in a movie or read in a book. I think, "Surely that happened to someone else." But then I see the box with her things, or the candle that my sister-in-law decorated with her name on it, or the dishes that recently held a warm dinner from thoughtful friends waiting to be returned, and I am reminded that it really did happen - and it happened to us. Then I close my eyes and I can replay with perfect detail the moments when she would start kicking. I remember what it felt like, and how it made me feel. I remember her perfect, doll-like face that looked so peaceful and beautiful. That was our baby. Then my mind will move from the pleasant memories to the more painful ones; the awful back labor, waiting for what felt like an eternity for the nurse to come in when G called her and said Addie was coming out, and the look of surprise when she finally did arrive and discovered that I was right. I remember being unable to react emotionally to seeing my husband and our families weep and mourn. And I remember G and I alone in the delivery room with Addie as we kissed and hugged her, and said our tearful goodbyes.

It's weird to think that if she had lived, she would already be four weeks old (and a month old on Sunday). I'm not naive enough to think that every year on her birthday, every holiday, and every 23rd week of any future pregnancies won't be spent thinking of her and wondering what she would have been like. Would she have liked ruffles, lace, and tea parties, or would she have preferred to climb trees, play paintball, or catch bugs? I liked all of it, so maybe she would have been like me. Or maybe she would have been like G, liking to build things, move around, and work on cars.

Things aren't as gloomy as they seem, though. I truly can write all of this with a light heart! There are things I won't get to experience with Addie, but I don't feel as though I have been robbed. She was God's before I ever knew she existed, and you can't steal something that already belongs to you. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" on the life she could have had. Yes, I will wonder what if from time to time. But God is always good, and He knows what is best. Job 14:5 says that the number of months and days are determined by God, and that He has set limits on our lives that we cannot pass. Addie's life wasn't wasted, nor do I believe it was cut short. She lived exactly as long as she was supposed to, and every second of her life glorified God. I want the same to be said about me someday.

Physically, I think I'm back to the way I was before I was pregnant. Until week 3 postpartum, I didn't notice anything weird with my hormones. Then came the smell...the kind of smelly smell that smells smelly. I would get a whiff of myself and think, "Gross. I just showered! I shouldn't smell like this!" Fortunately it was only temporary, and now I don't have to put on my husband's deodorant or walk around with my arms pinned to my side all day like a penguin. I also noticed more of my hair would fall out if I brushed it. It's not like it was coming out in clumps or anything, but there were definitely more loose strands when I would wash or style it. I think it's almost back to normal, though. Emotionally, G and I are both doing extremely well. I know some people will just say that because they don't want people to know how much they are struggling, but I promise that I'm being honest! I have been a little grouchier this week, and would get agitated about little things for no reason, but I think that it is just the hormones (which seem to be leveling out now). Most of the time I feel perfectly normal.

I think I am going to check out different hospitals and doctors if I get pregnant again, so I've been compiling a list of questions to ask them. Though I really did love the midwives that I went to with Addie, I want to see what my options are. Right now, I'm wrestling with the question of whether or not it's worth me having to use that hospital again (which I did not like) so I can use the same midwives (who I liked a whole lot), or if it would be best for me to go elsewhere. G and I are open to whatever the Lord has planned for our future (whether that means I get pregnant again quickly or not), so there is no time like the present to be thinking about these things. I have another postpartum checkup on the 30th, so I will probably have more information to work with after that.

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. They keep us going when we have hard days, and feed our hope in the fact that God is working all things together for our good and His glory.

"Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established." -Proverbs 4:25-26

Postnatal Update: First Checkup

Before I was discharged from the hospital, the midwife told me I would need to come in after a few weeks for a postnatal checkup. I was already scheduled to come today for my glucose test, so she said I could keep the same appointment date. Yesterday afternoon, I called the midwifery to confirm my appointment and double-check the time, only to find out that it had been cancelled by someone in the office. After giving some information about my situation, they rescheduled my appointment for the same time.

We (G, Mom, and I) went to the appointment today, and I noticed right away that the ladies on staff didn't seem to understand what had happened. Part of the checkup routine is to get my weight, blood pressure, and a urine sample, and while they were getting my blood pressure, one of the ladies asked me some standard questions. When she asked if I was nursing, I was certain that there had been a drop in communication somewhere about my time in the hospital. The question didn't offend or upset me, and I didn't want to make her feel bad by explaining the situation, so I just answered "no ma'am." She then asked if I'd given birth to a boy, and when I said the baby was a girl, she congratulated me. Again, this wasn't offensive to me at all. Personally, I feel congratulations are very appropriate. I am, after all, a mother now; even if I didn't get to take Addie home.

The three of us waited in a room for the doctor for a while, and when she came in, she asked me to tell her what happened from the beginning. I recounted our story as best as I could, and explained that we had come to this appointment in the hope of getting some answers that the hospital was either unable or unwilling to give us. We also were hoping to get some direction on what our next step should be. When we finished our account, she apologized once again for the confusion, and informed us that it was unacceptable. She then asked about the test results for the placenta, and I told her we were not told anything about that (plus, I didn't even know testing was part of the procedure), and she said she would go and check my file.

While she was gone, the midwife who saw me at the hospital came in and spoke with us. She asked how I was, and she seemed uncertain when I told her I was doing very well. I guess she thinks I'm still in shock or something, because I know how strange it must be to see someone act calm and normal after going through what we've been through. Anyway, we discussed my symptoms and then she gave her professional opinion about the situation with Addie. She felt confident that there had been nothing wrong with me or my sweet girl, and that the only reason that made sense in her mind for why any of this happened was that I may have an incompetent cervix. I had never heard of such a thing before Addie's passing, at which point G's brother mentioned it to us as a possibility. If that were the cause, it simply means that my cervical muscle is weak, and that it couldn't handle Addie's increasing weight. Because my contractions became painful after I was fully (or mostly) dilated, the midwife believed that the weight of the amniotic sac and fluid combined with Addie's weight caused my cervix to dilate prematurely, which is likely what caused the contractions to start. To prevent this from happening in the future, a perinatal specialist would cinch my cervix shut with a special knot in week 14 of my next pregnancy. This is called a cervical cerclage, and it would remain in place until I reached 36 weeks, at which point the knot would be cut to allow the pregnancy and labor to progress naturally. The doctor came back after a little while, and she informed us that the results of the placenta test were normal, and that there had been no indications of infection or other issues that could have caused early separation. Then she also mentioned the cervical cerclage as a good option, and left us again with the midwife. After answering any remaining questions we had, the appointment came to an end, and we headed home.

It's a relief to know that there were no other medical issues, and that - as I already believed - there had been nothing wrong with Adelyn or with me. My instincts, as far as anyone can tell, were correct. A small part of me felt sad today at the thought that Addie's situation could have possibly been prevented (if only in theory) with a cerclage, but I believe that if God's will had been for her to live, He would have allowed her to live. Logically, I know that even if I had heard about a cervical cerclage beforehand, there would have been no reason for anyone to believe I needed one. You can't test for an incompetent cervix, after all. And before anyone starts to worry about me, I do know that I am not to blame, so I don't feel any guilt. I just really miss my baby.

This week has been pretty good for me. I did have a hard day yesterday, though. I spent a lot of time driving in traffic, which made me really tired. When I get tired, I get emotional, so I cried off and on a lot for the remainder of the day. Then, last night, I suddenly felt frustrated over the lack of concern that I was shown by the hospital staff (not the midwife or midwifery, since the hospital took over after we learned about my condition). It hasn't bothered me for almost two weeks, and then for some reason, it suddenly did. It was all emotion though, because I know that even if they had been really encouraging, informative, and attentive, it wouldn't have changed what happened. What I felt was fleeting though, and likely caused by postpartum hormones, because I was my normal self today.

It has started to sink in that this is our life now. Every year, as long as we live, we will celebrate her birthday without her. Every year, both on G's birthday and hers, we will replay everything that happened - from the contractions to kissing her goodbye after we were discharged - in our heads. It's not nice, and it won't always feel good, but it is good because God is good. He hasn't left us on our own, and He never will. It won't always hurt either, and it doesn't most of the time anyway (at least for me). Most of the time, the memories of sweet Addie Jane bring us happiness. But on the days that it does hurt, we can cling to the hope of a glorious reunion and spending eternity in the presence of Christ together.

"To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." -2 Peter 3:18